the purpose of life

 

strong enough

 

blah blah blah again

 i want to matter but everything around me says i don't so i'm trying to matter to myself.  

i have a handful of friends, none close anymore, my kids and my fur kids, none of which make me feel wanted, none of which can give me any sense of purpose or belonging.

i want to care about something bigger than me.  i guess i do and that's what's so hard.  i have no business caring about what i actually do care about.  

i try to step back and tell myself, "these are just feelings".  i try to replace one thought with a totally benign thought.  

i try to observe my thoughts and feelings rather than succumb to them.  it works for a minute, maybe a day or two, then i'm right back here, wanting, wishing, wallowing.  

somedays i hate my life and i hate myself for what i've become, for what i think i've always been.  

i want to be enough, for myself, for somebody, but i'm not feeling it.  

i can't live like this.  this isn't living.  this feels like a slow death.  

sometimes i think, "why not just get it over with", but there's that minuscule, dim hope that maybe somehow something might change.  

this love affair has done me in, lifted me then destroyed me.  without realizing it, i was looking for something to make me thrive and feel alive.  what a fool i've been.  life would be so much easier had i never known what it felt like to be wanted, to be held, to feel adored, loved and to be able to express all i had inside.  was it worth this pain?  no no no, a thousand times no.   

fuck you, fuck me, fuck my life again and again and again. 

no one wants to hear this shit.  not even me.  yet hear i am, crying, screaming, beating my fists and kicking my feet, spilling my guts, spewing pointless words and not a god damn thing changes.  so i do the dishes, care for the dogs, take a shower and play a part, pretending like any of it matters when none of it really does.  they are just motions that get me from one day into the next, without purpose, without intention with a shred of hope that they will get me to a point where something actually does matter.

isn't life supposed to be precious, have some meaning?  

i watch my daughter dying, dedicated to making the best of what's left of her life.  what strength!  i wish i could give her mine, trade it, give her more time.  more time to be with the man she loves, more time to live big and passionately like she knows how to...she would know what to do with it because i certainly don't.  maybe i never did.   

i want to find meaning and passion, but i know where i find those things.  i find those things in the one i love, the one i share intimate moments with.  i find those things in showering love and affection on the one i love.  i find those things in being loved and cherished by the one i love and cherish.  don't we all?  am i so unusual?  am i so foolish to want what i have known?  maybe i am.  maybe you only get so much in one lifetime...but i don't necessarily believe it has to be that way.  but then i think, i'm old, maybe i should just give up.  and maybe i should, but it's easier said than done.  you don't stop loving someone just because you should.  you don't stop wanting these things or loving someone just because you should.  if that were the case i certainly would.  

 

this ain't no poker game

you hold onto her while holding onto me while i am torn between holding on and letting go.

why, if you love someone and they love you, do you have to work so hard to hold on and make it work?

that question isn't about us.

seems to me you're treading water, trying to grab hold of an imaginary shore. 

maybe it was real at one time, maybe it's not anymore.

are you trying to recreate the past or just too afraid to jump forward?

and me?  where do i come in?  as a backup plan?

like you said, you're subconsciously looking forward to being with me, so where is your heart?

are you getting what you want?  

don't you wonder if you're living in an illusion?

do you think you can forfeit passion for morality and be satisfied?

can you quell those feelings you hold for me, pretend you don't feel them. pretend that you love her and want a life with her while fantasizing about us?

do you even know what you want?  if so, please say it.  SAY IT!  i can take it! 

deny the truth all you want, but you have a choice to make.  you can't have us both so it's time to let one of us go.  you can never be fully present with her as long as you're thinking of me.  

do you want me while living with her?  if so, where is your love for her?  

do you feel guilty when you're with me?  if not, then where is the love for her?  

yes, you can hold love for both of us, but what do you want?  who do you want?  

you have to know that you will never have with her what you have with me.  it doesn't work that way.  if you're willing to settle, then settle and let me go.  

how long will you hold on, believing you're working toward a happier outcome?  

can you change who you are and what you want?  if so, more power to you.  if not, can you cash it in?  can you cash us in?  

you're playing a game of chance, hoping for the payout.  like kenny rogers sang, "you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to talk away, know when to run".    if you can't, you better remove yourself from the game.  

i'm not your ace up the sleeve.

 

trying

 

some days i do well

some days i do well some of the day and not so well some of the day.

some days i don't do well at all.

today was one of those days when i felt strong and sure of myself.  then the night closed in on me and now all i feel is sad.

sad because i miss him.  sad because everything seems so pointless at times and you wonder why you're even alive.  sad because i crave his company and the intimacy we shared.  i don't want to live without it and without feeling that love and giving love.  

i want to cry and let it out but it all seems to be caught in my throat.

he says i'm luckier than i know.  how am i lucky?  because i'm trying to get my shit together?  i don't have it together just yet.  i'm simply trying to continue and accept whatever comes and whatever follows.  i don't feel lucky.  i'm in fucking survival mode.  i'm eating too much, not sleeping enough (even though sleeping is all i feel like doing) and pretending i'm ok even when i'm not because i'm tired of the shit i've been going through.  i'm tired of loss and i'm tired of myself and this pathetic excuse for a life.  and i'm tired of wanting more.  

yeah, i'm making plans here and there to do things but i'm not excited about any of them.  in fact i'm apathetic about life in general.  i am forcing myself to be a little proactive, literally forcing myself. i feel if i don't i will simply sit here in this house and succumb to an even more reclusive life.  

i seldom leave except to get a few things at the store or buy cigarettes.  it is thursday already and i have left twice this week, only to drop my dogs off and pick them back up from their grooming appointment a couple of hours later.

i will leave the house again on friday to see my therapist and from there come back home.  maybe i'll feel good enough to stop at hermann woods on my way home and take a walk if i think my foot can handle it.

everything is a maybe. 

this life don't seem

much like livin'

when there ain't 

no place for givin'

all of my love

all of my love

all of my love

i'm gainin' weight

and losin' sleep

we never should've 

gone so deep

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

thoughts like razors

cut my mind

until it bleeds

until i'm blind

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

i'm still here

but none can see

that's it's not really

all of me

because of this love

all of this love

all of this love

the darkness comes

it permeates

while i wonder

while i wait

for all of his love

all of his love

all of his love

-smrc

    

Here's Where You Belong ...

You can change the mask you wear
But not the way you feel inside
Bury your head into the sands
But that won't let you hide
Your mind it is a battleground
Your brain's a raging storm

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

The sins of childhood cannot be erased
Like a paper tattoo
But, babe, don't let that drag you down
Like they're expecting it to do
Yesterday's failure is today's success
The path can be easily shown

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Ah, Mister Grown Man
Question mark held in your hand
Tell me, what will it take you
To make you understand?


Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
And here's where you belong

fall equinox

 

you gave me the sex that i always wanted

words that ring so damn true if i were so eloquent i would have written them myself... from "you gave me the sex that i always wanted" by Sophie Gregoire. 

I had always been looking for somebody who would be both primal and sensitive, connected to his heart and strong. Deeply present, loving, nurturing, and soft—and wild too. Sexual. In his power. 

That was you.

I have thought and talked a lot about sacred sex in time, but as an idea—because I didn’t know, until I found you. 

Before you, the men of my life may have had technique—but they lacked presence. 

Some can miss the key point, which is: doing the love making with us, deeply connected to us—in response to our opening, to our love.

...I realize that the reason our sexual life is so beautiful to me, is because you gave me the love that I longed for. 

It is because of the trust that we built together that my body agreed to let you lead. 

It is because you were always present, consistent, reliable, and sure, that you didn’t meet any resistance within my body, within my soul.

It is because your masculinity was fully there, embodied, unwavering—that my body opened so much, so softly.

It is because you knew how to hold space, accept, and receive all of me, without the need to change, fix, edit, or transform, that I felt safe enough to fall in love with you entirely—body, heart, and sex.

It is because I trusted your heart that I surrendered fully to you.

You lead, but you command only with respect—riding my own waves, like a sacred art of two.

Some men open your body, your love—but they end up feeling like a spell for your soul. You can regret later on, the openness and the trust that you showed.

This never happened with you. I never regretted being yours.

Because you never disconnected from us...And you never made love without love.

You never penetrated your woman without feeling her, loving her.

...sex is an art that climaxes when love is mastered.

Sex is the culmination of love, perhaps. Its fully embodied expression in the flesh.

The physical zenith of two connected hearts.

permission granted

wow, i love this.  how synchronistic it should show up just now.

You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t find yourself in. You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t love yourself in.

You’re allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your light instead of making you shine brighter, you’re allowed to pack all your bags and start over somewhere else and you’re allowed to redefine the meaning of your life.

You’re allowed to quit the job you hate even if the world tells you not to and you’re allowed to search for something that makes you look forward to tomorrow and to the rest of your life.

You’re allowed to leave someone you love if they’re treating you poorly, you’re allowed to put yourself first if you’re settling and you’re allowed to walk away when you’ve tried over and over again but nothing has changed.

You’re allowed to let toxic friends go, you’re allowed to surround yourself with love, and people who encourage and nurture you. You’re allowed to pick the kind of energy you need in your life.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.

You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.

We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.

You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.

You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.

Author: Rania Naim

now

eleven years ago i was preparing to start my life over, sorting, eliminating, packing, finding homes for my animals.  i was beginning a new and bittersweet adventure.  i made visits to two of my older sister, one of whom i never saw again.  both have since passed away.  i was spending time with loved ones before i left.  i was giving up everything that signified home to me to start a new life in a new place with the man i loved.  the timing wasn't great, but i knew who i wanted to be with and i made the best possible decision i could make for myself at the time. 

at the end of september 2009 my car was packed, my goodbyes were spoken and i hit the highway.  during my drive to my destination i had time to think about the past and i cried a lot because life seemed so bittersweet.  but i didn't let the naysayers stop me.  i knew what i had to do and that this wasn't about them, it was about me.  i had to be strong, determined and do what mattered most to me.  this was not out of selfishness as some chose to believe.  the journey i was taking, both literally and philosophically speaking, was about my own survival and securing my needs.

often i've heard myself say i regretted moving into a new life so quickly, not giving myself more time, but the truth us, i could have done so.  but it was harder to stay than to go.  so i went.  looking back in recent days i now forfeit the idea of that regret.  i put myself exactly where i belonged and where i needed to be at the time.  without that experience i would have never learned what i was capable of then and now.  if i had never seized the opportunity to be loved and to love again, i would be a different person now.  and because of it, i am a different person now.  

now i am a single, independent woman.  i have lived that way for the past three and a half years.  it hasn't been easy, but somehow i always saw this and yearned for it over the years.  it's not all it's cracked up to be at times but it's not bad.  i actually rather like my freedom.  i just happen to get caught up in missing the love and intimate connection two people can share.  that said, i have followed that desire more than once, only to end up feeling the worse for wear.  do i still want this?  absolutely!  but i want it to be real, not a "i'll see you when i can" relationship.  i want it to matter.  i want it and me to matter enough.  i want to be chosen and, as archaic as it may sound, i want to be claimed.  if i can't have that, then it's not worth it, no matter how deeply i care for another.  i have to live my life by my standards.  it's not that i'm not flexible, but i can no longer sacrifice myself for a fraction of what i truly want.  that is the clarity the last few years have given me. 

i am at a place where i will accept and live my life now, even if it's not exactly how i wish it would be.  i will not beg for love or attention or accept less than i or anyone deserves.  i have learned in the past two years what great love and desire feel like.  i have experienced how much i am capable of giving and receiving.  i have learned this is the love i want in my life, but if it's not mine to have then i will take this life i've created for myself and make the best of things without it.  

i am done trying to convince anyone of my worth in their life or to earn a place in it.

i am no longer waiting for the time to be right.  the time is always now.  

i am no longer clenching my hands or my heart.  i am letting go of the things i have no control over.

i am no longer waiting for someone to complete me.  i am complete as i am.

i am no longer waiting for understanding.  i understand myself.

i am no longer waiting for forgiveness.  i forgive myself.

i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i believe it already has and i am surviving and i will continue to survive.  (my record so far is 100% despite the odds)

it's just like me

 

true story

 

untitled

no one person

no one place

no one thing

can take my darkness away.

i know this now

my mind plays tricks on me

my heart shatters

my tears stream

and it is because of me.

i have caused myself to be undone.

i just ask that if you love me

you love all of me,

the dark and the light

my light exists 

because of my darkness.

if you see beauty in me 

it is because of my brokenness.

if you see wisdom in me

it is because of my foolhardiness.

if you see strength in me

it is due to my tenderness.

no, i do not expect you to mend me

nor will i ask you to save me.

my only request is that you love me

and perhaps someday hold me again.

smrc 9-18-20

just for today

just for today

i will let go of any hurt, anger or confusion.

i will not cast blame 

or seek to change anything or anyone

but instead accept my life 

as if i've deliberately chosen every experience

to be where i am in this moment.

i will not seek peace but instead

i will be peace.

i will see beyond the illusion of brokenness

and trust that i am whole and complete

just as i am

without the need for another's love

because i am love.

i will let go of all my judgements

towards myself and others

forgive my transgressors

but more importantly forgive myself.

just for today

i will give myself grace.   

smrc

9-18-20

in the morning

 

where magic happens

 

thoughts after the storm

the process of letting go is obviously hard for me, but i feel better after having ranted in prose last night.  i remember back in the day people practiced primal scream therapy.  maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.  we have all these pent up emotions and the need to express them.  

when i lived in the country, away from neighbors with just the woods and fields around, i could go outside and scream if the need to do so presented itself.  we all have that need to release what we're feeling but we think we have to act so damn civilized...and we do.  it's that or end up in the psyche ward because someone called the police on us, right?  after coop died i remember walking the road and the corn rows in the middle of the night, soul searching, talking to the "is", trying to find my way in unfamiliar emotional territory.  the freedom of space and the cover of darkness and solitude helped to give me clarity at that time.  

i don't want these feelings.  and all the "think positive" bullshit is just that, bullshit.  so, i'm just trying to figure it all out, process, not so much hide or repress my feelings, but become the observer of them.  i told my therapist i needed to understand myself, why i am how i am and how i can find peace with myself and my life as it is because it actually is what it is. 

i don't want to push people away but i think that's what i do.  i don't want to be a victim to love, but that's what i've become.  so, i think the best thing for me right now is to be alone.  and if i am literally alone now or for the rest of my life, be accepting of that.  and by alone i don't mean living alone, i mean being without the sacredness of an intimate relationship as well as distant from others.  maybe 2020 is just a practice run to help me get it right.  i really like the freedom of living alone, doing as i please even if that entails nothing.  i can eat, sleep, watch tv, read, cook, create, come and go and everything else, as i please.  no schedule and no obligation with the exception of the dogs.  that doesn't mean i don't want an intimate, meaningful relationship or to feel like i matter most to someone.    

it's ironic that i have always felt alone even when surrounded by people and in a relationship.  well, until i met someone truly compatible, someone i felt really got it and got me...which would explain why this feels so difficult right now.  he says he wants to "be there" for me.  trouble is, he really can't be.  given the circumstances that's pretty impossible.  can i call him?  no.  can i see him?  no.  can we be together when we want?  no.  can he truly be there for each other?  no.  there is no freedom or "being there" in the way things are.   there has only been fleeting moments that have left us wanting more.   i don't think wanting these things is wanting too much.  it's not.  we all want that.  sooooo, back to my previous words, i need to accept my life how it is because things may never change.  i need to to cut the cord that tethers me to him and to hope, because that is why i struggle with my own worth and why i struggle on a daily basis.  i am tired of time and my life slipping by and to quote leonard cohen, "waiting for the miracle to come".

countdown

my silent screams.

the things i don't say.

can you hear them?

i say too much.

i don't say enough.

discontentment will always exist

until we choose something...

choose SOMETHING

to make this end!

i'm trying to choose me.

i'm FUCKING trying!

but this endless loop of my heart's desire

keeps overriding my good sense. 

fuck me 

fuck my life

fuck this shit.

tonight i am angry at both of us.

i'm angry over indecision...

your indecision

my indecision

my fucking need for you

your mixed messages

for what we created

for what this is!

i am pull my hair out angry

i am spitting nails angry

i am clenched teeth angry

i am pound my fists angry

and it won't stop the hurting or the wanting.

i am tired of life

tired of loss

tired of endless days of pretending i'm ok when i'm not.

tired of anticipating 

exhausted by thoughts and hopes and disappointment

but i keep hanging on

hoping every day i will feel differently

that i will feel better.

sometimes i do for a moment    an hour.

it never lasts.  

i keep recycling it, all of it...

things spoken, things experienced, 

things felt, things learned.  

i feel too much of EVERYTHING! 

can you feel it?

the anxiousness and anticipation?

all the emotions and thoughts exploding

like a 4th of july celebration?

only it's not pretty fireworks.

it's a fucking time bomb.

boom!

we're all becoming "lighter"

Me: Hello God.

God: Hello...

Me: I’m falling apart. Can you put me back together?

God: I'd rather not.

Me: Why?

God: Because you're not a puzzle.

Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?

God: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to take any of those pieces back.

Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking!

God: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving.

What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back. The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are being put in place. Relax. Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down. Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you. Let them fall. Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will I have left?

God: Only the best pieces of yourself.

Me: I'm afraid to change.

God: I keep telling you: YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING!

Me: Becoming, Who?

God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear. Let those things fall off you. I love you! Don't change! Become! Don't change! Become! Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember.

Me: There goes another piece.

God: Yes. Let it be like this.

Me: So... I'm not broken?

God: No, but you're breaking the darkness, like dawn. It's a new day. Become!! Become who you really are!!"

-John Roedel

summery

in maturing i have found that i love harder and break more easily.  one would think the opposite to be true, that we grow more calloused with age.  some do i suppose, but i think that loss has literally broken my heart open.  i feel more, i love more deeply, but along with that i hurt more intensely and cry more easily and more often.  they say the measure of pain one feels is equal to the love they feel.  this seems to be accurate.  and for me it seems each time i fall in love i fall harder.  

one would think after a certain age and two lengthy relationships, the desire for love would fade.  while married i always thought that if my husband died i wouldn't be interested in partnering again.  boy was i wrong.  in less than a year i was living with Mark.  eight years later, when he died, i even told myself that was it.  and it was for awhile.  but eventually i was craving intimacy and affection, so i ended up in a couple of "relationships" that left me feeling used.  then i met Jason.  this was entirely different.  we actually got to know one another and developed a relationship before we met.  he was different (not to mention married) and although i didn't know how i would feel eventually meeting him, i knew i really liked him...a lot. 

my feelings were pretty strong before meeting Jason.  i thought i could handle it, thinking it would never go as far as it did.  but after we met i knew i was in trouble.  i tried diverting my attention, meeting other men and going out on a few dates.  i mean after all, Jason was married and i didn't want to feel the way i did about him.  the problem was that every person i met wasn't Jason.  every man i went to dinner with wanted to see me again and i turned them down.  my ex lovers still wanted to see me.  i turned them down.  (it's funny when i think about it that they were all younger than me.)  i could have had any number of lovers had i wanted that.  there was just one problem...they weren't Jason.  this man had worked his way into my heart so deeply i didn't want anyone else.  it's two years later and i still feel the same.  

never have i been with a man who seemed to cherish me like he does.  and never have i opened up so intimately to a man like i have with him.  i still get butterflies when i think about him or see him.  i still grow weak at the thought of our love making.  he has no idea how hard i've tried to not want more than he could give me, but yet i do.  and i want for him to live authentically, not deceitfully.  sometimes i wonder if he's keeping me on a string or whether i should trust him, but the truth is, i believe his feelings are genuine.  i also think he'll never be happy as long as he's fighting what he really wants.  that is the freedom to be himself (which would also free him up to have time with me without the hassles and burdens that have come with this affair).  

as for me, my desire for him has not changed, but i have let him off the hook.  this is despite the fact that i can't imagine never seeing him again.  this is a decision i had to make for both of us, one i made on more than one occasion but couldn't carry through because the pain of not seeing him was worse than the pain of his coming and going and never knowing anything.  but this time i knew i couldn't continue my cycle of pain no matter how much it hurt to stop the affair.  did i do the right thing?  i have no idea.  i hope so.  i do know it was a risk.  this whole damn affair has been a risk as much for me as for him.  i'm risking losing the man i love forever and he risks losing me forever. and neither one of want that, yet it all depends on the choices he makes and the action he takes, or doesn't take.    

sometimes it all seems so insane, that two people who love each other, want each other and share such a deep and intimate connection are struggling so.  he tells me i have far more influence than i know.  i wish i had enough.  i fear that since i'm no longer chasing him he'll lose interest.  but i have nothing to prove.  he knows how i feel.  i am no longer battling because i am the prize and if he doesn't want me enough to make room for me, then he really doesn't want me.  

my battle now is with myself, no one else.  i have to be willing to let it all go despite the lingering hope i have.  i must live my life for me and hope i can move past this if the end turns out not in my favor.  i do however despise the thought of him accepting less than he wants from life.  i equally hate the thought of doing that myself, but again, the ball is in his court, not mine.  so here we are at an impasse and here we will stay until one of us decides enough is enough.  

 

for Jason

this is the song that keeps running through my head today

then and now

"You were a powerful freakin' woman.

A witch.

A wild, wise woman.

A creatrix.

Your womb was an oracle, your intuition was revered.

You were badass.

You were divine.

FYI: You STILL are."

~ 

Lisa Lister/The Sassy SHE

Kat Shaw Artist

quicksand

thoughts and insecurities

not wanting to feel this need in me

to be loved

to be needed

to be desired

wanting to not know

what i have come to know

about myself 

and love

and how that feels

i was better off

not opening up

not forfeiting my heart

to know love

but it's too late now

i can't undo the knowing

so i fight myself

my feelings and desires

but they don't go away

all that i resist persists

and i sink deeper

i know i must reach out 

in order to save myself

and my sanity

to reclaim the light

that has been hidden

in the mire of doubt 

and self sabotage 

i want to be that woman

i intended to be

and thought i was

the woman who knew her strength

and always always always

managed to pull herself up

i want to live for me

not for another 

but for me!  

i want to be enough

not just for another

but for myself!

i don't expect anyone to save me

that's not how it works

but i must reach out my hand 

ask and accept help this time

to extricate myself

before i am buried alive

sunday morning thought stream

awake, sad, not wanting anything but him.

why does it have to hurt so much?

the world is sick of me.

i am sick of me.

why why why did the universe hand me a gift i'm not entitled to? 

why is fate so cruel?

i don't want another, only him.

why is it we seek and never find anything or anyone to keep?

i have myself and that feels inadequate.  

every time i think i may be ok i find i'm not.

i'm not ok, not ok, not ok, not without him but i can't be ok with him as things are.  god why do i love so hard only to break so hard?  

every day i wait for night to come so i can go to sleep with some shred of hope for tomorrow.  but every day is lather, rinse, repeat.  tonight i can't even go to sleep because the tears won't stop.  

i don't want anyone else, i don't have it in me to want anyone else.  

i am not destined for anyone else. 

i don't want it to be over, i so don't want it to be.  

 how do i live?  how do i even begin to want to? 

Sad Lisa by Cat Stevens

the nearest place to god

 

simple enough

 

today

 ...felt better.

i feel a little optimism, something i've been lacking for some time.  it was good to talk to someone whom  i felt wasn't judging me and whom i believe can actually help me work through some long standing issues in my life.  i think i'm finally ready to accept someone helping me instead of me always helping others.  it's well past time for that.  so, even though i'm emotionally exhausted, i feel some sense of calm tonight. 

having courage fucked me up

came across this today on my fb timeline from 2 years ago.  having courage seems to have fucked me up.  i followed my heart, i took risks, i pissed people off, i believed in love, blah, blah, blah.    that courage has gotten me two years worth of regret and two years older. i guess i was the only one brave enough to actually put it on the line.   

Have the courage.

Have the courage to try.

Have the courage to be you, who you really are.

Have the courage to piss people off by making choices that align with your heart.

Hell, have the courage to follow your heart.

Have the courage to love.

To hope.

To believe in forever.

Have the courage to leave masks behind.

To say screw make-up and beauty products that convince you you’re flawed.

To be real, messy, fleshy, dirty and absolutely delicious.

Have the courage to dismiss labels and styles and to look beyond appearances to souls.

Have the courage to live a life you love.

Really.

To say no. And really mean it.

To not apologize, justify or even offer to make up for it.

Just No.

Have the courage to leave behind the script for normalcy and not feel guilt because it never felt like it fit.

Have the courage to call out fakeness.

The courage to ask for what you need and to walk away from anyone that can’t offer you just that.

Have the courage to believe in the once in a lifetime kind of love.

Have the courage to have confidence in yourself and dreams.

In your visions and beliefs.

In the life YOU want to live.

Because I promise you there’s no gold medal at the end of all this for following the rules of men.

For being or living how we’re supposed to.

How others think we should.

So have the courage...

The courage to truly live.

Author: Kate Rose

the quest for a spotless mind

i told myself i have been writing too much.  is that a thing?  i think it can be in my case.  but the thoughts...the thoughts are constant in my head.  it's like i have to put them down in type or ink to get them out of my head, to get rid of them even if briefly. 

i need to get over it and on with it just like i've had to do with everything else in my life.  it takes me awhile because i tend to cling to the past.  i guess that's normal with great loss.  i feel great loss.  that itself seems ridiculous this time around because what i lost was never really mine to lose.  it only felt that way.  but i was his. 

i take my phone to the bedroom each night, i turn it down so as not to disturb my sleep.  it's a habit i got into when he would send me songs every morning.  the first thing i would do before getting out of bed was to check my phone for that email.  i put a stop to those emails because i was becoming dependent on them.  but after that i would still check my phone each morning, looking for a text, to see if he'd played the word game we shared or left a message there.  i put a stop to those things as well.  i felt like he gave me no choice.  i didn't want to carry this need or dependency for someone or something that seemed futile.  i was too attached and trying to detach.  i still am.  the point is, i wake up every morning and check my phone, then the sadness overwhelms because he's not there.  

i want these feelings i have for him to recede, to at least let up enough i can wake up without him in the forefront of my thoughts each morning.  i carry him with me every single day and it's killing any hope in me for a normal life, or any kind of life without him.  but i can't have a normal life with him, either, unless he would want that.  so right now i guess i know where i stand.  i can acknowledge that over and over but accepting it is far more difficult.  

so here i am again, writing, trying to come to terms.  how does one accept a life like this, where any semblance of joy seems feels so far out of reach it seems inconceivable?  i feel like i need to fix myself, like there must be something wrong with me.   

i feel like i'm joel in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", wanting it all erased.  but in the end, having had their memories of each other erased, he and clementine had a connection that overpowered even that and they began again.  only for us, the memories won't be erased.  and the odds of beginning again?  well, that's up to him.  it always has been.  

so how do i fix my broken self?  i'm trying to find grace within myself but my mind is a hot mess.  to paraphrase clementine, "too many guys think i'm a concept or i'm gonna make them feel alive [and that i have], but i'm just a fucked up girl lookin' for my own peace of mind..."

  

Steps

 I will stand naked in the rain and let it was away me clean.

I will smoke the sacred medicine daily to ease my burdens until I am well.

I will build crystal grids and work magic and healing.

When the leaves turn crimson I will put on my flannel and boots to walk the woods alone until dusk.

I will summon the courage to get in my car and drive to Missouri to sit on a bluff above the river to help clear my head.

I will find a way to make small, meaningless, mindless tasks more meaningful and mindful.

I will seek grace within myself and remind myself there is light inside me.

I will no longer seek love, justice, integrity or understanding outside myself for I've found this to be a fool's search.

I will not ask, beg or expect anything from anyone. I've found this to lead only to disappointment.

I will not bring anyone or anything into my life that isn't necessary only to fill me up or clutter my space.

I will adopt and integrate the Buddhist concept that all suffering comes from desire, that I may quell my desires and find peace, healing and wholeness.

When the snow flies and the nights are long and cold, I will bury myself under a blanket and in books and learning.

And maybe in Spring I will be a new me rising from the tattered remnants of the old me and I will have learned to love the aloneness and solitude.

Maybe then I will have become someone I can live with.

Sallie Royse Cooper

9-9-2020

it feels sad...

 ...when your self induced orgasm leaves you laying on the bed in tears because it was purely mechanical and so damn empty

25 days

has it only been that long since we were in each others arms?  it seems like a lifetime ago and despite all that's taken place emotionally i still wonder if we'll ever see each other again or if this is really it.  i wonder if you're content with never.  you see, despite my efforts to move on there's a part of me that still clings to a tiny, tiny thread of hope, thinking that someday you'll text me or call me and say you can see me.   

you tell me you are tortured, seeing things and thinking of one person. is that working for you?  it's been 3 weeks and i wonder, have you made any progress at all?  do you still yearn for me like i yearn for you?  do you think you can give me up permanently?  

it's crazy, ya know?  we agree to distance, stop communication, yet here we are, posting on blogs, revealing our feelings.  feelings don't go away.  if our separation is what you choose and how it has to be, then maybe if i'm lucky those feelings of love, desire and hope will fade enough for some kind of peace to be found despite the regret.  i say all this and then i think, am i so blind that i can't see you've already said goodbye?  don't tell me you'll never let me go.  you already have to a great extent.  and if we're never to be together again, you must tell me and then let me go completely, just as i must so we can both move one.

just a silly thing, one i never mentioned.  you may have noticed the wishbone on my kitchen windowsill.  it has been there since last thanksgiving.  i saved it, meaning for the two of us to make a wish on before snapping it in two.  i simply forgot about it every time you were here.  now, every time i stand at the sink doing dishes and looking at it i wonder, will we ever make a wish together?  if you tell me no i will throw it away along with my wishes.        

  

how to measure love

 

Sole Purpose/Soul Purpose

I will strive to take what's left of this life and make some meaning out of nonliving.

I will make it matter if the dishes are done and the floors are swept.

My goals will be simple...daily chores and cooking, looking after dogs.

I will want nothing, expect nothing, give and ask and hope for nothing.

It will matter if the laundry needs folded or hung perfectly in the closet.

I'll make cleaning and organizing my passion so everything looks picture perfect even if no one ever sees it. I may even take up ironing.

I will make the things that don't really matter, matter because they will always be here, they will always need me, they will never fail me. This will be my sole purpose.

When I grow bored I will seek knowledge in the study of philosophy, history and the natural world and I will leave this world having tidied things up, having made myself more knowledgable and far less than love could have made me.

And yet...

If only I knew the promise of love I would open my heart. Life would spring forth from me

like water gushing from a fountain, recirculating, recycling, a never ending flow of love.

Joy would return, petals would open, smiles deep, sensual and warm would be given and worn, the heart sun would beam and my tears would taste like honey...if only I could live my soul purpose.

Anais Nin Quotes

she so often has spoken to my spirit

“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.” 

― Anaïs Nin

“You don't find love, it finds you. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what's written in the stars.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.” 
― Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

“In my childhood diary I wrote: “I have decided that it is better not to love anyone, because when you love people, then you have to be separated from them, and that hurts too much.” 
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

“Passion gives me moments of wholeness”― Anaïs Nin

“The body is an instrument which only gives off music when it is used as a body. Always an orchestra, and just as music traverses walls, so sensuality traverses the body and reaches up to ecstasy.” 
― Anais Nin