the word of the day is f u c k

i am spinning, spinning, spinning, trying to figure my life out...what do i want, where do i go?  i feel as if i'm starting over for the nth time.  

what is true?

i want to abandon it all, empty my life of all the bullshit, all the stuff, all the feelings of obligation, responsibility and need and like Chris Farley says, live in a van down by the river.  

i don't belong here...i don't feel as if i belong anywhere.  

the Buddha says to make an island of yourself.  make yourself your refuge.  make truth your island and refuge.  what truth?  

i don't expect to be gloriously happy and content in any situation, but i'd like to be reasonably content.  to love and be loved.  maybe that's asking and wanting too much.

i have some hard choices to make.  i know this.  it's either that or continue on a path of lingering doubt, regretting the choices i didn't make and paths i didn't take.  i don't want to die stagnating in my distance and solitude.  but like everyone else, (i, who preach change) am fearful of making the wrong decisions.  i, who have been challenged again and again and have HAD to make big choices am now afraid?  i can't seem to gain clarity.

oh the things i want that aren't mine to have and may never be.  

i guess what i want is to walk away from myself and my life and create a new me and a new life.  but a bird does not change its feathers just because the weather is bad.   

what concerns me...

 ...is that as time goes by my presence in your life will become less and less important

...that you will look upon our time together as fond memories while i look at it as bittersweet memories and precious time i can't get back

...that my expectations for giving and receiving love have been raised too high because of what we shared

...that even though you may not have been consciously aware, you used me to feel empowered and adequate

...that i will never get over you

...that this is the end and the final chapter of love in my life and this life will never give me anything more than that taste of the one thing i've always wanted

...that life will continue but cease to have any real meaning because love is the only thing that gives it real meaning and substance

...and that without love i will continue to feel lost and apathetic about life and anything else in it

as i write these things i know i sound pathetic and like a victim.  it's not so much that i feel like a victim. i went into this thing knowing the circumstances.  i am at fault for being vulnerable, for allowing myself to feel something too good to be true and sustainable if both parties aren't fully invested.  i didn't intend for this to happen and i am not a victim, only a fool for thinking my heart wouldn't get involved.