what this is

it's after midnight as i write this.  i've been reviewing some of what i've written over the months.  for the most part this blog should have been named, "love letters to jason".  this is where i come to write what i feel whether i have been glowing in the aftermath of his warmth and passion or craving him or devastated by circumstances regarding our illicit affair. 

he is my muse,  of that there is no denying.  he moves my emotions in every direction possible.  and even when i feel angry at him or frustrated with him  because of those circumstance, i love him and would take him into my arms without hesitation.  

so here i am again, focused entirely on him, my feelings for him and yet i know i need to let things be.  in many ways this is more his journey than mine.  i was along for the ride for a time but now all am is a bystander.    

alive

 i came across this quote i found in 2013:

"that scared feeling is you being alive"

it makes sense.  it's ok to be scared and step into the unknown.  that's the opportunity life gives us.  that IS life.

 it would be good...no, it would be great if we could stop being frozen (aka dead) because of our fear and just let go, trust our gut and jump into life and not worry how things will work out.  they always work out one way or another and in the end we'll be ok.  there will always be regrets, but most often because we didn't do what we dreamed of because we let fear define our path.  

maybe it's time to stop being so logical.