thoughts after the storm

the process of letting go is obviously hard for me, but i feel better after having ranted in prose last night.  i remember back in the day people practiced primal scream therapy.  maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.  we have all these pent up emotions and the need to express them.  

when i lived in the country, away from neighbors with just the woods and fields around, i could go outside and scream if the need to do so presented itself.  we all have that need to release what we're feeling but we think we have to act so damn civilized...and we do.  it's that or end up in the psyche ward because someone called the police on us, right?  after coop died i remember walking the road and the corn rows in the middle of the night, soul searching, talking to the "is", trying to find my way in unfamiliar emotional territory.  the freedom of space and the cover of darkness and solitude helped to give me clarity at that time.  

i don't want these feelings.  and all the "think positive" bullshit is just that, bullshit.  so, i'm just trying to figure it all out, process, not so much hide or repress my feelings, but become the observer of them.  i told my therapist i needed to understand myself, why i am how i am and how i can find peace with myself and my life as it is because it actually is what it is. 

i don't want to push people away but i think that's what i do.  i don't want to be a victim to love, but that's what i've become.  so, i think the best thing for me right now is to be alone.  and if i am literally alone now or for the rest of my life, be accepting of that.  and by alone i don't mean living alone, i mean being without the sacredness of an intimate relationship as well as distant from others.  maybe 2020 is just a practice run to help me get it right.  i really like the freedom of living alone, doing as i please even if that entails nothing.  i can eat, sleep, watch tv, read, cook, create, come and go and everything else, as i please.  no schedule and no obligation with the exception of the dogs.  that doesn't mean i don't want an intimate, meaningful relationship or to feel like i matter most to someone.    

it's ironic that i have always felt alone even when surrounded by people and in a relationship.  well, until i met someone truly compatible, someone i felt really got it and got me...which would explain why this feels so difficult right now.  he says he wants to "be there" for me.  trouble is, he really can't be.  given the circumstances that's pretty impossible.  can i call him?  no.  can i see him?  no.  can we be together when we want?  no.  can he truly be there for each other?  no.  there is no freedom or "being there" in the way things are.   there has only been fleeting moments that have left us wanting more.   i don't think wanting these things is wanting too much.  it's not.  we all want that.  sooooo, back to my previous words, i need to accept my life how it is because things may never change.  i need to to cut the cord that tethers me to him and to hope, because that is why i struggle with my own worth and why i struggle on a daily basis.  i am tired of time and my life slipping by and to quote leonard cohen, "waiting for the miracle to come".