quicksand

thoughts and insecurities

not wanting to feel this need in me

to be loved

to be needed

to be desired

wanting to not know

what i have come to know

about myself 

and love

and how that feels

i was better off

not opening up

not forfeiting my heart

to know love

but it's too late now

i can't undo the knowing

so i fight myself

my feelings and desires

but they don't go away

all that i resist persists

and i sink deeper

i know i must reach out 

in order to save myself

and my sanity

to reclaim the light

that has been hidden

in the mire of doubt 

and self sabotage 

i want to be that woman

i intended to be

and thought i was

the woman who knew her strength

and always always always

managed to pull herself up

i want to live for me

not for another 

but for me!  

i want to be enough

not just for another

but for myself!

i don't expect anyone to save me

that's not how it works

but i must reach out my hand 

ask and accept help this time

to extricate myself

before i am buried alive