my silent screams.
the things i don't say.
can you hear them?
i say too much.
i don't say enough.
discontentment will always exist
until we choose something...
choose SOMETHING
to make this end!
i'm trying to choose me.
i'm FUCKING trying!
but this endless loop of my heart's desire
keeps overriding my good sense.
fuck me
fuck my life
fuck this shit.
tonight i am angry at both of us.
i'm angry over indecision...
your indecision
my indecision
my fucking need for you
your mixed messages
for what we created
for what this is!
i am pull my hair out angry
i am spitting nails angry
i am clenched teeth angry
i am pound my fists angry
and it won't stop the hurting or the wanting.
i am tired of life
tired of loss
tired of endless days of pretending i'm ok when i'm not.
tired of anticipating
exhausted by thoughts and hopes and disappointment
but i keep hanging on
hoping every day i will feel differently
that i will feel better.
sometimes i do for a moment an hour.
it never lasts.
i keep recycling it, all of it...
things spoken, things experienced,
things felt, things learned.
i feel too much of EVERYTHING!
can you feel it?
the anxiousness and anticipation?
all the emotions and thoughts exploding
like a 4th of july celebration?
only it's not pretty fireworks.
it's a fucking time bomb.
boom!
