i miss him

 that's all.  i miss him.  

some flames flicker forever

 i only cried a little while 

stuck in moments with you

i wiped my eyes and told myself

there's nothing i can do

the anger i felt has lessened

and mostly i feel sad

time will tell the outcome

whether that's good or bad

the torch i've carried still burns in me

no matter how hard i may try

to extinguish that smoldering flame

it burns and it will not die

so i must accept this how it will be

until it burns itself out

but some flames flicker forever

of this i have little doubt

 

such wicked queens

 “Once upon a time there was a wicked witch and her name was

Lilith

Eve

Hagar

Jezebel

Delilah

Pandora

Jahi

Tamar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called goddess and her name was

Kali

Fatima

Artemis

Hera

Isis

Mary

Ishtar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called queen and her name was

Bathsheba

Vashti

Cleopatra

Helen

Salome

Elizabeth

Clytemnestra

Medea

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called witch and her name was

Joan

Circe

Morgan le Fay

Tiamat

Maria Leonza

Medusa

and they had this in common: that they were feared, hated, desired, and worshiped.”

― Andrea Dworkin, Woman Hating

sunday morning coming down

i hope i may have gotten things out of my system...at least for the time being.  after posting last night i went to bed.  i laid there for awhile and debated on getting up and deleting what i'd written.  i have deleted so much of what i've written recently.  believe me, what i shared was milder than some of what i've written.  but instead i decided not to disturb the dogs and just sent loving energy in his direction like i used to do.    

i know i can be brutal at times.  maybe it's the only way i know how to defend myself against feeling so hurt, and finally feel a modicum of control over my emotions.  that sounds a bit contradictory, but you'd have to be me to understand.  whatever it is, it's done.  i was able to channel my anger into a poem rather than react in worse ways.  deep down i don't really want to hurt anyone and those who've helped to cause me pain should be thankful i limit it to words. as a woman who feels intensely, it only makes sense that anger would rear it's ugly head.  

i don't want him to hate me and i don't want to hate him.  i don't hate him.  i have battled between love and sorrow, frustration and anger.  i have felt such a huge range of emotions in the past few weeks...hell, in the past two years really.  but in the last weeks i have been on an extreme roller coaster.  i may not have felt so reactionary if i wasn't dealing with other deeply emotional things as well...ya know, like my kid dying. i also know that when i grieve (and i have been grieving immensely, there's no other word for it), that much of my old grief rises to the surface.  i know too well that deep grief is not something you get over, you simply learn to live with it.  not feeling sorry for myself, but i know i've been grieving for a long time not just over losing mark, but over my daughter's inevitable death.  it's a lot of heaviness to bear and until now i feel i've done a fairly decent job.  unfortunately under the more recent circumstance things compounded and snowballed.  i can only hope he can understand this.   

onward and upward, right?  i don't like the person i've been through all of this and i hope to maintain some semblance of balance.  it's the memories that tear me up and the feelings i felt with him.  even now as i write, some little flick of a memory of our intimacy and the tears are blurring my vision.  this time, the episode in the living room when we both got so lost in the moment as i straddled his knee.  god damn it, i want to forget and find some emotional normalcy.  this has become my everyday emotional state and i don't want it anymore.  please give me a fucking lobotomy for god's sake!  take away these memories so i no longer hurt.  damn it damn it damn it.

by now i've probably destroyed his desire for even friendship.  maybe just as well.  not sure i could do that, at least not yet.  jason was like a drug and i'm still going through withdrawal.  and this is how i HAVE to look at it.  you don't tempt an addict with their favorite drug.  that's what our relationship was like...junkies getting a fix.  and just like an addict who wishes they could turn back time and never start using, i wish i could, too.  unless i could be like keith richards and have a steady maintenance supply of the good stuff, i have no choice but to get clean.