Tuesday, September 8, 2020

25 days

has it only been that long since we were in each others arms?  it seems like a lifetime ago and despite all that's taken place emotionally i still wonder if we'll ever see each other again or if this is really it.  i wonder if you're content with never.  you see, despite my efforts to move on there's a part of me that still clings to a tiny, tiny thread of hope, thinking that someday you'll text me or call me and say you can see me.   

you tell me you are tortured, seeing things and thinking of one person. is that working for you?  it's been 3 weeks and i wonder, have you made any progress at all?  do you still yearn for me like i yearn for you?  do you think you can give me up permanently?  

it's crazy, ya know?  we agree to distance, stop communication, yet here we are, posting on blogs, revealing our feelings.  feelings don't go away.  if our separation is what you choose and how it has to be, then maybe if i'm lucky those feelings of love, desire and hope will fade enough for some kind of peace to be found despite the regret.  i say all this and then i think, am i so blind that i can't see you've already said goodbye?  don't tell me you'll never let me go.  you already have to a great extent.  and if we're never to be together again, you must tell me and then let me go completely, just as i must so we can both move one.

just a silly thing, one i never mentioned.  you may have noticed the wishbone on my kitchen windowsill.  it has been there since last thanksgiving.  i saved it, meaning for the two of us to make a wish on before snapping it in two.  i simply forgot about it every time you were here.  now, every time i stand at the sink doing dishes and looking at it i wonder, will we ever make a wish together?  if you tell me no i will throw it away along with my wishes.        

  


how to measure love

 


Sole Purpose/Soul Purpose

I will strive to take what's left of this life and make some meaning out of nonliving.

I will make it matter if the dishes are done and the floors are swept.

My goals will be simple...daily chores and cooking, looking after dogs.

I will want nothing, expect nothing, give and ask and hope for nothing.

It will matter if the laundry needs folded or hung perfectly in the closet.

I'll make cleaning and organizing my passion so everything looks picture perfect even if no one ever sees it. I may even take up ironing.

I will make the things that don't really matter, matter because they will always be here, they will always need me, they will never fail me. This will be my sole purpose.

When I grow bored I will seek knowledge in the study of philosophy, history and the natural world and I will leave this world having tidied things up, having made myself more knowledgable and far less than love could have made me.


And yet...


If only I knew the promise of love I would open my heart. Life would spring forth from me

like water gushing from a fountain, recirculating, recycling, a never ending flow of love.

Joy would return, petals would open, smiles deep, sensual and warm would be given and worn, the heart sun would beam and my tears would taste like honey...if only I could live my soul purpose.



Anais Nin Quotes

she so often has spoken to my spirit


“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.” 

― Anaïs Nin

“You don't find love, it finds you. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what's written in the stars.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.” 
― Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

“In my childhood diary I wrote: “I have decided that it is better not to love anyone, because when you love people, then you have to be separated from them, and that hurts too much.” 
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

“Passion gives me moments of wholeness”― Anaïs Nin

“The body is an instrument which only gives off music when it is used as a body. Always an orchestra, and just as music traverses walls, so sensuality traverses the body and reaches up to ecstasy.” 
― Anais Nin

2 for the price of 1

Closed Until Further Notice

I am tired of all the bullshit and fakery and pretense handed to you from those who are supposed to care.   

Whether it be friends or family or past lovers, I'm sick of loving and caring so deeply then being left to feel I was the only one who really did. I allow people to steal my self worth...no no, I actually hand it over to them, opening my heart, letting myself be vulnerable, oh so vulnerable, making the mistake of believing they have as much love for me as I have for them. I give them everything only to have it be tossed aside in the end.

I'm tired of abandonment, intentional and otherwise. And yet sometimes that is what I wish I could do, abandon it all, every person and every thing and become a rock. Already I'm an island. If this is how the world shows me how I must be, this is how I must become.

I've grown sick of the world and all in it, but yet there's a part of me that wants to embrace it and run wild with it, eat it all up and know what living actually is.

I am growing old. We all are. Our time here is finite. Why can't we stop with all the bullshit and illusion? Why can't we all be honest and real and vulnerable and live with hearts open?

I am hurting, I am saddened, I grieve daily for all that was and all that could have been.

My heart has been open too long in a world that has no place for people like me.


What Good a Heart?


There it is

laying on the ground

hardly recognizable

as a human heart

covered in dirt and splinters

as it is


near colorless now

drained of blood and spirit

no more useful

than a child's ball


toss it back and forth

kick it down the street

until it's torn apart

defiled and deflated


then toss it into the dumpster

where all useless and abandoned things go

and take it away to be buried

among all the other broken, wasted things


aren't we?

we could have been that couple who never fell out of love, doing all those things we thought about and talked about. 

i imagined us taking walks and sitting by the river, sharing books and coffee and kisses or a picnic we had prepared.  you pictured us chopping vegetables while stirring things up in the kitchen.

we didn't get to curl up together on the sofa to share popcorn and a favorite movie or take a drive with no destination in mind only to see what we could find.

there was so much more we could have shared, so many things i wanted to share...more music, art, poetry, books...and more lovemaking, always more lovemaking.

we could have talked about the poets and prophets, movies and theories, people and places.

we could have people watched and made up stories about their lives, and laughed until we cried.

we could have turned ice cream cones into erotic art with our tongues.

we could have turned simple minutes into special memories...

there was so much more to be known.

we could have been that couple who never grew tired of each other... i know this because i know myself and i know you.

we could have been that couple that stays in love forever...

but then my love, aren't we?



 


finite

 from aug, 4th, 2019


days waste away

passing without purpose

lovers loving with limits

denying each other

denying themselves

the freedom to be fully immersed


the end is in sight

yet we think we can wait

and hang on 'til tomorrow

wishing our time away

when there is so little of it left