Let It Be

sometimes we want to take all the memories and feelings attached to a particular person or circumstance, put them in a box and store them somewhere in the recesses of the mind so they are hidden.  but it doesn't work that way.  memories and emotions are attached to us and the person we shared them with.  we can't dispose of them, hide them away or forget them. we can't just let go so we must simply let it be what it is as we process the experience and all the feelings attached to it.  

so what do i do with this love i have for you my sweet prince?  the only thing i can...let it be.  

my great sin

 all those small sweet things

i'd never known before

you gave to me so willingly

to make me feel adored

you washed my hair so gently

laid kisses at my feet

worshipped me in word and deed

with no promises to keep

skin to skin we bathed in sin

and now the cost is due

the payment is my broken heart

because of loving you

you were never mine to love

but yet i let you in

and dreamed the dream of lovers

what was and could have been

8-18-20

i am not a warrior

 

that tattoo along my left foot

no longer belongs there

i am not a warrior

i am weak

it's a beautifully mild august morning

the only thing perfect about this day

and it is wasted on me

i don't want to breathe anymore

to think   to feel  to exist

if i were a warrior

i would not need that word 

engraved permanently on my body

if i were a true warrior

i would cut that word from my skin

leaving only scars

to add to my collection

inflicting physical pain

to numb the grief

but i am not that brave

8-18-20

tuesday morning questions

awakened by garbage trucks

i do not want to leave the bed

still smelling of union

even with the window open

he the first thought to materialize 

the dishes continue to pile

his towel left hanging by the shower

my cinderella slippers lay seductively by the bed

ten minutes up and i am in tears

how do i do this?  what do i do

when he is vital like the blood in my veins

when we breathed each other in

like life sustaining oxygen?

how many losses does one have to bear?

no doubt there will be more

i am useless to myself or anyone else

and why wouldn't i be?

i pleaded for help last night

begging whatever gods or entities that might exist

no comfort came    no answers heard

only guttural sobs echoing through the night

how can something so beautiful

not be right   not be meant to be

not be allowed to be mine

just this once?

how do i bear never seeing his face 

his brown eyes looking back at me

or my finger never tracing the curve of his ear 

or his lips again?

and where will i worship

when my need to taste him

and the spirit of desire

demands i offer my sacred vessel?

my cruel lover   

you have left your imprint and a memory

on everything around me and in me

why did you do this knowing 

you would never be mine?

8-18-20