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my silent screams.

the things i don't say.

can you hear them?

i say too much.

i don't say enough.

discontentment will always exist

until we choose something...

choose SOMETHING

to make this end!

i'm trying to choose me.

i'm FUCKING trying!

but this endless loop of my heart's desire

keeps overriding my good sense. 

fuck me 

fuck my life

fuck this shit.

tonight i am angry at both of us.

i'm angry over indecision...

your indecision

my indecision

my fucking need for you

your mixed messages

for what we created

for what this is!

i am pull my hair out angry

i am spitting nails angry

i am clenched teeth angry

i am pound my fists angry

and it won't stop the hurting or the wanting.

i am tired of life

tired of loss

tired of endless days of pretending i'm ok when i'm not.

tired of anticipating 

exhausted by thoughts and hopes and disappointment

but i keep hanging on

hoping every day i will feel differently

that i will feel better.

sometimes i do for a moment    an hour.

it never lasts.  

i keep recycling it, all of it...

things spoken, things experienced, 

things felt, things learned.  

i feel too much of EVERYTHING! 

can you feel it?

the anxiousness and anticipation?

all the emotions and thoughts exploding

like a 4th of july celebration?

only it's not pretty fireworks.

it's a fucking time bomb.

boom!