this is where i come...

...to expose my feelings, to vent, to write what tears would say if they could speak.  this is my diary of sorts.  and so i shall continue to write and process and examine my thoughts and feelings.  it's simply what i do.  few if any read this and what if they do? 

it has been a hard few days since saturday.  i don't know how long it ill be until i hold the face of the one i love in my hands again.  maybe never.  but those last moments together and his beautiful face are seared into my brain, that image as clear as a bell. 

i am so tired of crying.  i am so tired of missing him and wanting what isn't mine, perhaps never will be mine.  hopefully time will ease this ache, but i have little faith in that, so despite coming to an agreement of putting a halt to things, much has not or will not likely change.  here i go again on a path of acceptance, at the mercy of whatever fate may have in store.  i can only hope she chooses to be kind.  i have known enough of her cruelty for one lifetime.

each of us will go about our own lives now, not so immersed in each other, yet there is a part of me that believes this won't be the end of what we've known previously.  i can't accept that nor can i see how it could be considering what we've shared.  maybe i'm in denial, but when two souls come together by chance or fate and share the rare connection we have, how can we ever allow circumstance or distance to prevent it?  perhaps i am wrong.  only time will tell.  i will continue to hold the reins of hope, only less tightly, but the love i feel will remain strong and the memories vivid.

what a week this has been so far, full of angst and sorrow.  to top it off, sunday is the the anniversary of mark's death.  there's little doubt i will be anything but alone as is usual on the weekend, or for that matter every day.  being by myself so much of the time allows my mind to wander.  i dread sunday and all the memories it will invoke.  i already know it will be a sad day, one i cannot ignore.  my thoughts at the moment are to fulfill a promise i made to him and to take some of his ashes to the cemetery to be placed on his pappy's gravesite.  it's something i have been meaning to do since he passed and there would be no better day than sunday to do so.  it won't be easy but it is necessary.  perhaps i will ask a friend to accompany me or perhaps i will go alone because really, who would want to participate?  besides, there is no one left here that was extremely close to him.  maybe this is my job and mine alone. 

today the thought occurred to me again that maybe i should sell my house and head back to ashland where i would be closer to what's left of my family.  i probably won't, but i often think of it.  i have few friends left here and those friends were a big part of the reason i chose to stay after mark died.  but then, as my sister pointed out, living close by would not necessarily mean i would see them any more often.  she lives there and seldom sees any of them herself.  point taken.  i guess it would just be knowing that they were close by that could make a difference.  i've never missed ashland, either.  wapakoneta is a much nicer place to live, this is certain.  there are still reasons to stay put.  the one thing that would convince me to move is if J decided we had some kind of future together.  i would seriously consider moving back to ashland or someplace closer to him.  the town of oberlin has always come to mind.  as always i am open to possibilities, having learned not to fear change.  it has never been change that i've feared.  if that were the case i would have never found myself living in wapakoneta.  in fact i have generally welcomed change.  my life has been nothing but, sometimes by choice, but many times not.

it is 2:30 am and i should settle into bed but most likely i will wait until my eyes grow a bit more weary and i have exhausted my brain.  another day gone.  they keep going, one by one, adding up into weeks, months and years that pass too quickly with so time and opportunities squandered.  then before you know it, there will be no time left. i feel this so profoundly since i've gotten older.  this is why there is such a need in me to grab hold of the things that matter most, why i am so passionate in my desire to love and be loved when it comes to J.  the time we have to live and love is so short and so precious.  we are just a blip on the screen of life and in a moment we are gone.  if we don't grab onto that moment and that opportunity, if we let everything else consume our time and energy, we find one day it is too late, we can't go back and we are left with a hole in our heart and the sad taste of regret for the remainder of our days. 





 

 




 

a million maybes

maybe i'm hardwired for love or heartache or both.  seems to be the story of my life.
maybe i need to give it up, ya know... to stop thinking or hoping that i can have a happily ever after.  but it seems like hope is all i have at times.
maybe i want to believe in the possibility of forever, fool that i am.
maybe i'm too old to be wanting more for tomorrow, but i don't believe that.
maybe i expect too much from people in general.
maybe i think people are better than they actually are.
maybe i invest too much in others.
maybe i'm naive, gullible, foolish when it comes to matters of the heart.
maybe i should stop chasing someone whom i fear is ok with losing me.
maybe i'm too much...or just not enough.
maybe i think i matter more than i do.
maybe i fear i don't matter enough.
maybe i'm too easy and willing to please.
maybe i'm just being selfish, but it doesn't feel that way.
maybe i need to get my shit together and realize i've had all i'm going to get and this present state of being is it, so maybe i need to accept my fate, period...but i struggle with that because maybe i want more!
maybe i want to be adored because i've learned what that feels like.
maybe i give too much too freely to those i love and maybe i can't help being that way.
maybe i want passion instead of mediocrity....i know i do.
maybe i like expressing myself sexually with my lover too damn much...but how can that be?
maybe i just want too much in the long term.
maybe i'm tired of wondering where i really stand.
maybe i need a haven, a refuge, an escape instead of always being one.
maybe i shouldn't be so eager and accommodating.
maybe i should try harder to ignore my feelings, to forget love and desire and passion.
maybe i should let my world grow smaller and smaller, resigning myself to more trivial pursuits (or perhaps a monastery).
yes, maybe i should walk away from anything that even closely resembles love. but i have tried and failed.
maybe i need to stop believing that love is really all that matters, but i don't think i can because life and death have taught me otherwise.
maybe i should just stop. being. me.
maybe i would if i only knew how.

hard truth