the first words out of my mouth this morning were, "i'm really sick of myself".
sick of...
not being willing to completely accept my life as it is, living on hope of a future that may never exist, thinking that life has more to offer me at this point, thinking i can be loved the way i want to be and love to the extent i want...thinking, thinking, thinking and realizing how unfair it would be of me to expect anything from anyone.
life has shown me time and again that i'm on my own. maybe i'm meant to be. seems reasonable since every time it gives me one life, it's taken it away and i am forced to start over again. that's no to say i haven't grown from those experiences, but...
i'm so very tired of the tears that still come all too often. life has taught me a lot of things, broken me open, made me appreciate, feel and love more easily and deeply because i've experienced how fleeting the moments are and how quickly everything can change. it has caused me to be be fearful as well.
so what am i afraid of? i'm afraid that this is all there is and all that's left and it won't get any better. i'm afraid i'll never be loved again like i want to be loved, that i got my share and that's all i get. i'm afraid this is my life from here on out. and i'm afraid i'll never move past this need to matter more or this desire to want more.
so many see this strong, capable woman when they look at me. i sometimes think they see a woman who doesn't need anything or anyone, someone that can manage quite well on her own. i'm kind of that woman because i've had to be. i can manage, i am strong and i have to be. but do they see the scared and scarred creature inside me who feels lost and empty at times, the someone who needs love and reassurance and the strength of another when she feels weak? do they see how i crave intimacy and arms to hold me and someone i can love and nurture?
i don't suppose it matters what anyone sees or even what i need. really, does it matter? this is life, this is my life and maybe i just have to accept it for what it is. i mean, what choice do i have? i have tried to make it more, to find fulfillment in myself. i have filled my days with busyness, i have learned to enjoy the freedom i have. i'm not averse to solitude, i need it, but that does not take away from the fact that we all need more, that as humans we crave companionship and intimacy. we are hard wired for it as a way to ensure our continued existence on the planet. we are always seeking intimate fulfillment with another whether we care to admit it or not.
i guess the irony of it all is that i want and need what everyone on the planet wants and needs. there is a deep seated need in me to feel complete, and without love, without my intimate companion, i feel incomplete. that is the gist of it. i feel incomplete. maybe i always will and maybe i'll always struggle with that.
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as i sit here in a (now) less emotional state, contemplating what i've written and whether i should post it or not, my thoughts continue...what do i want? i mean in detail, what the fuck do i want?
i want to be and feel loved and adored. i'm lucky enough to know what that feels like and i don't want to live without it.
i want to give love and adoration. it seems to be an essential need in me.
i want joyful moments. as many as i can get. i understand that happiness and joy are not perpetual. they come and go and the best one can hope for is contentment. i'm ok with that, but to have joyful moments shared with someone you love...priceless.
i want incredible sex (as often as i want). i don't want mediocre. if it's not with a caring, sensual, passionate lover who wants to please and experience the best, who brings out the best in me, what's the point?
i want to know someone has my back because i'll have theirs.
i want a relationship in which all of these things exist and are nurtured. And i want these things because to me they are the things in life that give it meaning.
after his journey into the wild Christopher McCandless discovered that, "Happiness is only real when shared". i have always remembered that quote because it resonates truth in me. we can have all manner of things happen in our lives, wonderful things, accomplishments, but if we have no one to share that joy or adventure or happiness with, what meaning does it really have? does it even matter?
11-14-2019
