now

eleven years ago i was preparing to start my life over, sorting, eliminating, packing, finding homes for my animals.  i was beginning a new and bittersweet adventure.  i made visits to two of my older sister, one of whom i never saw again.  both have since passed away.  i was spending time with loved ones before i left.  i was giving up everything that signified home to me to start a new life in a new place with the man i loved.  the timing wasn't great, but i knew who i wanted to be with and i made the best possible decision i could make for myself at the time. 

at the end of september 2009 my car was packed, my goodbyes were spoken and i hit the highway.  during my drive to my destination i had time to think about the past and i cried a lot because life seemed so bittersweet.  but i didn't let the naysayers stop me.  i knew what i had to do and that this wasn't about them, it was about me.  i had to be strong, determined and do what mattered most to me.  this was not out of selfishness as some chose to believe.  the journey i was taking, both literally and philosophically speaking, was about my own survival and securing my needs.

often i've heard myself say i regretted moving into a new life so quickly, not giving myself more time, but the truth us, i could have done so.  but it was harder to stay than to go.  so i went.  looking back in recent days i now forfeit the idea of that regret.  i put myself exactly where i belonged and where i needed to be at the time.  without that experience i would have never learned what i was capable of then and now.  if i had never seized the opportunity to be loved and to love again, i would be a different person now.  and because of it, i am a different person now.  

now i am a single, independent woman.  i have lived that way for the past three and a half years.  it hasn't been easy, but somehow i always saw this and yearned for it over the years.  it's not all it's cracked up to be at times but it's not bad.  i actually rather like my freedom.  i just happen to get caught up in missing the love and intimate connection two people can share.  that said, i have followed that desire more than once, only to end up feeling the worse for wear.  do i still want this?  absolutely!  but i want it to be real, not a "i'll see you when i can" relationship.  i want it to matter.  i want it and me to matter enough.  i want to be chosen and, as archaic as it may sound, i want to be claimed.  if i can't have that, then it's not worth it, no matter how deeply i care for another.  i have to live my life by my standards.  it's not that i'm not flexible, but i can no longer sacrifice myself for a fraction of what i truly want.  that is the clarity the last few years have given me. 

i am at a place where i will accept and live my life now, even if it's not exactly how i wish it would be.  i will not beg for love or attention or accept less than i or anyone deserves.  i have learned in the past two years what great love and desire feel like.  i have experienced how much i am capable of giving and receiving.  i have learned this is the love i want in my life, but if it's not mine to have then i will take this life i've created for myself and make the best of things without it.  

i am done trying to convince anyone of my worth in their life or to earn a place in it.

i am no longer waiting for the time to be right.  the time is always now.  

i am no longer clenching my hands or my heart.  i am letting go of the things i have no control over.

i am no longer waiting for someone to complete me.  i am complete as i am.

i am no longer waiting for understanding.  i understand myself.

i am no longer waiting for forgiveness.  i forgive myself.

i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i believe it already has and i am surviving and i will continue to survive.  (my record so far is 100% despite the odds)