trying

 

some days i do well

some days i do well some of the day and not so well some of the day.

some days i don't do well at all.

today was one of those days when i felt strong and sure of myself.  then the night closed in on me and now all i feel is sad.

sad because i miss him.  sad because everything seems so pointless at times and you wonder why you're even alive.  sad because i crave his company and the intimacy we shared.  i don't want to live without it and without feeling that love and giving love.  

i want to cry and let it out but it all seems to be caught in my throat.

he says i'm luckier than i know.  how am i lucky?  because i'm trying to get my shit together?  i don't have it together just yet.  i'm simply trying to continue and accept whatever comes and whatever follows.  i don't feel lucky.  i'm in fucking survival mode.  i'm eating too much, not sleeping enough (even though sleeping is all i feel like doing) and pretending i'm ok even when i'm not because i'm tired of the shit i've been going through.  i'm tired of loss and i'm tired of myself and this pathetic excuse for a life.  and i'm tired of wanting more.  

yeah, i'm making plans here and there to do things but i'm not excited about any of them.  in fact i'm apathetic about life in general.  i am forcing myself to be a little proactive, literally forcing myself. i feel if i don't i will simply sit here in this house and succumb to an even more reclusive life.  

i seldom leave except to get a few things at the store or buy cigarettes.  it is thursday already and i have left twice this week, only to drop my dogs off and pick them back up from their grooming appointment a couple of hours later.

i will leave the house again on friday to see my therapist and from there come back home.  maybe i'll feel good enough to stop at hermann woods on my way home and take a walk if i think my foot can handle it.

everything is a maybe. 

this life don't seem

much like livin'

when there ain't 

no place for givin'

all of my love

all of my love

all of my love

i'm gainin' weight

and losin' sleep

we never should've 

gone so deep

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

thoughts like razors

cut my mind

until it bleeds

until i'm blind

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

i'm still here

but none can see

that's it's not really

all of me

because of this love

all of this love

all of this love

the darkness comes

it permeates

while i wonder

while i wait

for all of his love

all of his love

all of his love

-smrc