epiphanies and illusions

a few days ago i was thinking back many years to an unusual experience i had.  actually i've had quite a few of those but this is about one in particular.  

in the year 2000 i had left my job working with my husband to take some time off to find myself.  i was 45 years old and had spent all my life raising children and working.  my identity had been so wrapped up in those responsibilities that i really didn't know what i was about or even wanted from the rest of my life.  

that year i did a lot of what i call "soul work".  i needed to find my passion since now i could take the time for myself.  my journey consisted primarily of much self-analysis, focusing on gratitude, meditating daily and getting in touch my spiritual nature.  this lead to expanding my creative side, which was always there but which i had little time to explore.  i've always loved writing so i believe it was only natural that this became my outlet for a better understanding of myself.  this is when the poetry and words flowed through me daily.  i began connecting with my higher self and writing things of a spiritual nature including children's poetry.  mornings would find me seated at my kitchen table writing, often in a bit of a fervor as the words seemed to be coming at me rapidly and easily, almost as if they were being planted in my mind from some higher source.  i often felt as if i were simply transcribing them.  

this was about the same time i began having some unusual things happen, like out of body experiences.  these were scary at first as i would awaken with sleep paralysis, unable to speak or more.  eventually i researched the phenomena and found out how to let go and allow the experience as well as how to bring myself out of one if i became frightened.  after that i continued to have many OBEs, allowing myself to enjoy them and was even eventually able to induce them.  

in the fall of 2000 another unusual thing happened.  it was morning and i was sleeping.  before i even opened my eyes and became aware that i was waking, there were profound and concise words coming into my head from somewhere and i knew they mattered.  i literally stumbled from my bed, not taking time to even put on my glasses, and clumsily ran to the kitchen to gather pen and paper to write the words down lest they be forgotten like a dream that fades after wakefulness.  but they weren't a dream.  it was as if the words themselves had woken me, demanding to be heard. all i know is that they resonated my very own truth and i knew they mattered and were not to be forgotten.  i don't know how to convey the impact those words had...they were my core truth and revealed the foundation of me and my direct connection to spirit.  for years i didn't know how to define god (and still i or none of us really do) so i called that life force GUS (God/Universe/Source).  

so 20 years later this is where things get weird again...

for years i had lost any copies of these words between moves and computer crashes,  and although i remembered the gist of them, i couldn't recall them precisely and as happens, i gave little thought of them and any of what i've shared her.  but out of the blue just a couple of days ago i found myself thinking about all this and wishing i could remember those words or find a copy of them somewhere.  

then last night the thought dawned on me that i should pull the richard bach book, "illusions" off the shelf and give it a read again after so many years.  so i did so, laying it on my desk to open in the morning.  

morning came late as i was up writing into the wee hours and didn't get to bed until after 6 am.  but once i did get up, with coffee in hand i opened the book to reread the first chapter.  i have always remembered and cherished that particular part of the book for it's message about fear making us cling to what's familiar, afraid to let go when in realty letting go maybe rough at first but is easier and more rewarding in the long run than resisting change.  i can only guess that i was subconsciously led to read this book again because of a situation i and someone i love are going through separately yet in a great sense together, both of which have to do with letting go of fear and looking at choices and possible major changes in our lives.  

after reading this brief chapter i noticed a piece of folded paper tucked into the center of the book.  i removed it, unfolded it and was totally surprised to find the words from what i call my epiphany of that morning 20 years ago, in my hand, dated oct. 26th, 2000.  they were as follows,

if i can't love from the depth of my heart, feel with every ounce of my being, believe in the goodness and oneness of it all and the power of love, then i have chosen to be deaf to my inner voice, blind to what i see, and i deny who i really am.  

was it merely coincidence that led me to that book after just thinking about those words a few days prior?  what is coincidence?  what causes it to happen?  all i know is that it's something we recognize but have no explanation for.  is it ourselves attracting what we wish for or need or is it a force outside of us assisting these seemingly remarkable occurrences?  (just in case the latter is true, i thanked that force.)  we can't know but the possibilities leave us wondering why sometimes by "mere coincidence" we get what our heart desires whether it be a relationship, a phone call, or even words on a piece of paper hidden for 20 years.

 

illusions (the book)

the thought came to me last night that it is once again time to read, "illusions, adventures of a reluctant messiah",  as there is much wisdom to be gained from this little gem of a story.  i have treasured this 144 page book for years and read it several times over those years.  

the beginning chapter is written in verses as a parable-like prelude to an actual story about two barnstormers, one a guy by the name of richard, the other an actual messiah, but that first chapter has always stuck with me.  sometimes we all need to let go of fear and allow ourselves to be tossed about in order to be free.  sometimes we have to quit trying and live in whatever way that makes us happy.  

1. There was a Master come unto the earth, born in the holy land of Indiana, raised in the mystical hills east of Fort Wayne. 

2. The Master learned of this world in the public schools of Indiana, and as he grew, in his trade as a mechanic of automobiles. 

3. But the Master had learnings from other lands and other schools, from other lives that he had lived. He remembered these, and remembering became wise and strong, so that others saw his strength and came to him for counsel. 

4. The Master believed that he had power to help himself and all mankind, and as he believed so it was for him, so that others saw his power and came to him to be healed of their troubles and their many diseases. 

5. The Master believed that it is well for any man to think upon himself as a son of God, and as he believed, so it was, and the shops and garages where he worked became crowded and jammed with those who sought his learning and his touch, and the streets outside with those who longed only that the shadow of his passing might fall upon them, and change their lives. 

6. It came to pass, because of the crowds, that the several foremen and shop managers bid the Master leave his tools and go his way, for so tightly was he thronged that neither he nor other mechanics had room to work upon the automobiles. 

7. So it was that he went into the countryside, and people following began to call him Messiah, and worker of miracles; and as they believed, it was so. 

8. If a storm passed as he spoke, not a raindrop touched a listener’s head; the last of the multitude heard his words as clearly as the first, no matter lightning nor thunder in the sky about. And always he spoke to them in parables. 

9. And he said unto them, “within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and to sickness, to riches and to poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we who control these, and not another.” 

10. A mill-man spoke and said, “Easy words for you, Master, for you are guided as we are not, and need not toil as we toil. A man has to work for his living in this world.” 

11. The Master answered and said, “Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. 

12. “The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. 

13. “Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. 

14. “But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’ 

15. “The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!’ 

16. “But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 

17. “Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

18. “And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’ 

19. “And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.’ 

20. “But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour.” 

21. And it came to pass when he saw that the multitude thronged him the more day on day, tighter and closer and fiercer than ever they had, when he saw that they pressed him to heal them without rest, and feed them always with his miracles, to learn for them and to live their lives, he went alone that day unto a hilltop apart, and there he prayed. 

22. And he said in his heart, Infinite Radian Is, if it be thy will, let this cup pass from me, let me lay aside this impossible task. I cannot live the life of one other soul, yet ten thousand cry to me for life. I’m sorry I allowed it all to happen. If it be thy will, let me go back to my engines and my tools and let me live as other men. 

23. And a voice spoke to him on the hilltop, a voice neither male nor female, loud nor soft, a voice infinitely kind. And the voice said unto him, “Not my will, but thine be done. For what is thy will is mine for thee. Go thy way as other men, and be thou happy on the earth.” 

24. And hearing, the Master was glad, and gave thanks, and came down from the hilltop humming a little mechanic’s song. And when the throng pressed him with its woes, beseeching him to heal for it and learn for it and feed it nonstop from his understanding and to entertain it with his wonders, he smiled upon the multitude and said pleasantly unto them, “I quit.” 

25. For a moment the multitude was stricken dumb with astonishment. 

26. And he said unto them, “If a man told God that he wanted most of all to help the suffering world, no matter the price to himself, and God answered and told him what he must do, should the man do as he is told?” 

27. “Of course, Master!” cried the many. “It should be pleasure for him to suffer the tortures of hell itself, should God ask for it!” 

28. “No matter what those tortures, nor how difficult the task?” 

29. “Honor to be hanged, glory to be nailed to a tree and burned, if so be that God has asked,” said they. 

30. “And what would you do,” the Master said unto the multitude, “if God spoke directly to your face and said, ‘I COMMAND THAT YOU BE HAPPY IN THE WORLD, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.’ What would you do then?” 

31. And the multitude was silent, not a voice, not a sound was heard upon the hillsides, across the valleys where they stood. 

32. And the Master said unto the silence, “In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. So it is that I have learned this day, and choose to leave you now to walk your own path, as you please.” 

33. And he went his way through the crowds and left them, and he returned to the everyday world of men and machines.

before i sleep

it's 2:30 in the morning as i sit here, not quite ready for sleep because i'm overthinking as usual.  

i feel fractured.

as i sit, i bend down and rub my legs.  up and down, telling myself i am a goddess and i am worthy of more.  

he taught me what it felt like to exchange worship and adoration, to not feel ashamed of my body with him and to make love without inhibitions from a place of pure desire.  i want that.  

so i cry and amidst the tears i continue to tell myself i deserve more.  i deserve someone who actually chooses me and can give himself to me without question.  

i know i was something with him and to him.  i didn't want to put a halt to what we shared, but we both knew the pain so i offered he and i a way out and he accepted.

there is pain with him and still there is pain without him, knowing the possibility that we may never share again what we have known so intimately.  

i think he can live on memories.  i can't.  at this point in my life, memories are not enough. half truths are not enough.  i want the hope of something real, not something that feels real (because it so did) but something to hold onto that's real and true and not just occasional.  

i want to be worth more than just an escape from his reality.  that has seemed to be my downfall since mark died.  i can see how i've provided everything a man could want; the perfect place to come to for comfort, love, sex, sustenance and every accommodation possible.  i made it so easy for all of them to escape into my sheltering arms.  i made them feel like men.  only this time i fell in love.  i felt loved.  he treated me so beautifully when we were together.  he looked at me like no one ever had.  i thrived on the conversation, the connection, the entire experience and i grew to truly love the man he was for who he was, not just as a beautiful lover, but who he was as a vulnerable, caring person.  i spewed words of praise and adoration that i meant.   he was so vital to me and my life that now, despite knowing i deserve more, i am grief stricken for what i feel i've lost but never actually had.  even though he has love for me, i think i was more of a good time for him, a balm and fantasy to sooth the pin and lack of his reality.  he might argue that point but what else was i?  time may tell if i was more or if i wasn't.  

i hate where i'm at right now.  i feel like i've grieved for 11 years only to grieve again, even though this  ending was my fault for being so emotional.  i finally got to taste what's been missing all my life and in every relationship i've known.  it was like a big fat tease, a cruel joke from the universe.  this man embodied everything that attracted me.  smart, funny, sensitive, creative, his love of writing, music and his appreciation and desire for all that is feminine, his attention to detail.  plus i found him incredibly attractive.  our chemistry was incredible, our lovemaking delicious. whether we made love sweetly or fucked passionately, my body responded to him in ways i'd never experienced and likely never will again.  it was like we were made for love and sex with each other and my body knew it.  and like he said, we fit together perfectly.  i still grow weak at the thought of those moments.  i was never more present than when we made love.  i was his and he was mine and we both took what we wanted, sometimes so tenderly and sweetly, sometimes  greedily.  and every bit of it was unique to us...heaven on earth.  he was my church.  he was the altar where i worshipped.  i found myself complete when we made love,  i became the goddess.  and now all of that may be lost forever.  how do i live without that now that i have known it so completely?  but how can i live with feeling like i'm not enough to warrant his devotion when i gave him all of mine?  i let him in and opened myself up completely and allowed him to enter my heart, body and soul.  i literally handed it to him.  

so here i am, losing sleep and crying again.  i feel as if i found my true feminine self with him and only with him.  i hope he understands what a gift that was because i feel it could not have happened with anyone else nor ever will again.  he got the best of me.

i want to continue to love him and be loved by him and the sad part is, i do love him and believe he loves me.  but he doesn't love me or want me enough to really be in my life and he can't be as long as he chooses to live inauthentically, refusing to follow his passion and only using me as an escape and to fulfill his needs and desires. i'm the whole enchilada and worth more than a few bites. 

i love him and i miss him and i don't know how to stop.  they say fake it until you make it but i never was any good at faking what i don't feel.  i value my authenticity.  i'm only good at hoping, but when you're given nothing to hope for, decisions have to be made.  (he should think of that in his own life) i don't hold out hope for much of anything right now regarding us or my individual future.  even if i were to consider another relationship, how does that work when your heart is already taken and breaking.  and how would that work in the time of covid anyhow?   it doesn't matter because nothing would compare and i have to live with that.  

i think he believed he was doing me a favor by giving me something i'd never had before.  it wasn't a favor though.  he empowered and humbled me all at the same time with all his love and affection but without him i feel neither empowered or humbled.  i feel useless and powerless.  he did me no favors nor did i.   i was always left with uncertainty and am now left with a sense of loss even though he was never really mine to lose.

it's now 4:30.  i have been sitting here at my computer this whole time, thinking, writing and crying.  i feel as if i have cried for years.  maybe my life was strictly meant for sorrow.  it feels that way at times, with all the people i have grieved over and those to come. i keep trying every time to choose life and seek happiness.  maybe this time i can resolve myself to the idea that it doesn't appear to be in the cards or the stars for me.  i sometimes question, was i so bad in a past or alternate life that this is my karma, that the universe is saying, "you will love and lose, love and lose, love and lose"?  i don't necessarily believe in karma but it does make one wonder.  i guess the pain is equal to the love you feel.  this one's a doozy.  

a verse from a poem comes to mind, one of my favorites from robert frost: 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

it would be easy enough to go into the deep darkness and rest in eternal slumber, but i know i can't.  

i'm not sure where or when the journey ends but i have miles to go.

and this is why i have a semicolon above the "i" in my warrior tattoo.  my story may not be what 

i've hoped it would be, but i know it's not over yet despite the times i've wished it were.  

writing it out is my only way to catharsis.  maybe now that i've given voice once again to my 

thoughts and feelings sleep will find me.   

it is sunday morning and i wonder if he'll wake, feeling warm and amorous and wanting me.  i hope 

he does and i hope he lives with always wanting me.