summery

in maturing i have found that i love harder and break more easily.  one would think the opposite to be true, that we grow more calloused with age.  some do i suppose, but i think that loss has literally broken my heart open.  i feel more, i love more deeply, but along with that i hurt more intensely and cry more easily and more often.  they say the measure of pain one feels is equal to the love they feel.  this seems to be accurate.  and for me it seems each time i fall in love i fall harder.  

one would think after a certain age and two lengthy relationships, the desire for love would fade.  while married i always thought that if my husband died i wouldn't be interested in partnering again.  boy was i wrong.  in less than a year i was living with Mark.  eight years later, when he died, i even told myself that was it.  and it was for awhile.  but eventually i was craving intimacy and affection, so i ended up in a couple of "relationships" that left me feeling used.  then i met Jason.  this was entirely different.  we actually got to know one another and developed a relationship before we met.  he was different (not to mention married) and although i didn't know how i would feel eventually meeting him, i knew i really liked him...a lot. 

my feelings were pretty strong before meeting Jason.  i thought i could handle it, thinking it would never go as far as it did.  but after we met i knew i was in trouble.  i tried diverting my attention, meeting other men and going out on a few dates.  i mean after all, Jason was married and i didn't want to feel the way i did about him.  the problem was that every person i met wasn't Jason.  every man i went to dinner with wanted to see me again and i turned them down.  my ex lovers still wanted to see me.  i turned them down.  (it's funny when i think about it that they were all younger than me.)  i could have had any number of lovers had i wanted that.  there was just one problem...they weren't Jason.  this man had worked his way into my heart so deeply i didn't want anyone else.  it's two years later and i still feel the same.  

never have i been with a man who seemed to cherish me like he does.  and never have i opened up so intimately to a man like i have with him.  i still get butterflies when i think about him or see him.  i still grow weak at the thought of our love making.  he has no idea how hard i've tried to not want more than he could give me, but yet i do.  and i want for him to live authentically, not deceitfully.  sometimes i wonder if he's keeping me on a string or whether i should trust him, but the truth is, i believe his feelings are genuine.  i also think he'll never be happy as long as he's fighting what he really wants.  that is the freedom to be himself (which would also free him up to have time with me without the hassles and burdens that have come with this affair).  

as for me, my desire for him has not changed, but i have let him off the hook.  this is despite the fact that i can't imagine never seeing him again.  this is a decision i had to make for both of us, one i made on more than one occasion but couldn't carry through because the pain of not seeing him was worse than the pain of his coming and going and never knowing anything.  but this time i knew i couldn't continue my cycle of pain no matter how much it hurt to stop the affair.  did i do the right thing?  i have no idea.  i hope so.  i do know it was a risk.  this whole damn affair has been a risk as much for me as for him.  i'm risking losing the man i love forever and he risks losing me forever. and neither one of want that, yet it all depends on the choices he makes and the action he takes, or doesn't take.    

sometimes it all seems so insane, that two people who love each other, want each other and share such a deep and intimate connection are struggling so.  he tells me i have far more influence than i know.  i wish i had enough.  i fear that since i'm no longer chasing him he'll lose interest.  but i have nothing to prove.  he knows how i feel.  i am no longer battling because i am the prize and if he doesn't want me enough to make room for me, then he really doesn't want me.  

my battle now is with myself, no one else.  i have to be willing to let it all go despite the lingering hope i have.  i must live my life for me and hope i can move past this if the end turns out not in my favor.  i do however despise the thought of him accepting less than he wants from life.  i equally hate the thought of doing that myself, but again, the ball is in his court, not mine.  so here we are at an impasse and here we will stay until one of us decides enough is enough.