sunday morning thought stream

awake, sad, not wanting anything but him.

why does it have to hurt so much?

the world is sick of me.

i am sick of me.

why why why did the universe hand me a gift i'm not entitled to? 

why is fate so cruel?

i don't want another, only him.

why is it we seek and never find anything or anyone to keep?

i have myself and that feels inadequate.  

every time i think i may be ok i find i'm not.

i'm not ok, not ok, not ok, not without him but i can't be ok with him as things are.  god why do i love so hard only to break so hard?  

every day i wait for night to come so i can go to sleep with some shred of hope for tomorrow.  but every day is lather, rinse, repeat.  tonight i can't even go to sleep because the tears won't stop.  

i don't want anyone else, i don't have it in me to want anyone else.  

i am not destined for anyone else. 

i don't want it to be over, i so don't want it to be.  

 how do i live?  how do i even begin to want to?