meltdown

 it happened

i didn't mean for it to happen

everything fell in on me

my thoughts scared me 

badly

i thought i was strong

but now i know 

i am broken

the end

scream

give me something real

a real love

a real person

a real life

a real country

a real reason to care

or carry this load

because i am tired

of all the bullshit

and the illusion

we call life

or love

or freedom.

like john lennon said,

just gimme some truth.

bring me to life

how does one thrive without love, without passion?  

is life meant to be lived in apathy?

i see it every day in people, 

but it's not me...IT'S NOT ME!

bring me to life!

i am this woman

i will never be the kind of woman who keeps her mouth shut and let's her fears or her unsaid words eat a whole in her gut.  i will ask hard questions and address issues and get to the root of things.  

i'm the kind of woman who will expose herself heart and soul and push you to know yourself and do the same.  i want to be real, i am real, and i want that for you as well because real is the only way to be.  i don't want fluff and courtesy, i want truth and trust, genuine decency and compassion that flows from the soul.  i want us to burn away the bullshit and be as real as real can be.

i am a woman who knows what she wants and know that i do not want a mindless kind of love that is so often witnessed in other couples.  i won't settle for lukewarm.  you will feel my love and know my passion.  but i am not all fire and passion.  there is a side of me that is soft, nurturing and sensitive that wants to wrap her love around you like a soft quilt and warm you inside like a cup of hot cocoa.  and in all things i can give as good as i get, perhaps more.

i am like the earth, rock solid and like her waters, flow with the tide.  i am the woman who will be there, who will stand in the fire with you, dance with you in the eye of the hurricane and fight tooth and nail alongside you and for you, and i will take you places you might never have been. 

i may be difficult and irritating at times, like a pebble in your shoe, but when i say i'm sorry i will mean it and through it all you will know love.  

soul deep

it was almost more than she could bear yet he kept on, kissing her, making love to her, his hunger and her desire not knowing an end.  

he got lost in the act of loving, mesmerized in watching her respond and when he entered her it was because he knew she was ready...he had prepared her, tasting and touching every part of her, even the parts she hated.  did he even know he was making love to her heart and mind as well?

sometimes her heart would become so full of the love and connection she would cry, finally knowing how it felt to be loved unconditionally and to harbor such great love for another.  then he would hold her and tell her it was ok to feel her feelings.  

a childhood memory

my third post today as i'm recalling some childhood memories.  funny how something you see or someone says will spark a memory.  

today a friend of mine posted some vintage childhood photos on facebook.  one was of her holding a fish she had caught.  she was maybe four years old in the photo and had such a sad look on her face.  knowing her as an animal lover, i thought she probably was sad as a little girl, knowing that fish was dead.  it took me back to when i was about the same age, living on the farm outside of lodi, just down the road from my aunt and uncle.  

my uncle raised chickens and i never gave it much thought as to why.  i was after all maybe all of four years old.  but that day i'd heard my uncle talking, telling how it was time to butcher some chickens.  i remember being shocked, but said little.  i was always too scared of my uncle nick to say anything at all.  i don't think uncle nick was a mean man but he was always gruff and i think took some pleasure in making us think he was. 

later that night when i was in my bed i began to think about those poor chickens and wonder how anyone could kill them and why they would want to do such a thing.  of course by this time i'm sure i had enjoyed the tasty delight of fried chicken, but my four year old mind wasn't making that connection.  food was food and i don't remember at that point ever asking what it was i was eating.  my siblings and i ate what we were given.  if we didn't we went without.  needless to say, the thought of uncle nick killing chickens now had me convinced he was a horrible person.

laying in my bed that night i began thinking about the death of my uncle's chickens and began to cry.  eventually my mom came in and asked me why i was crying.  "uncle nick's going to kill the chickens!", i cried.  i don't recall my mother's words but somehow she explained to me that chickens were food and that was why he raised them.  i'm sure i was only partially satisfied with the answers given, but there wasn't much i could do but accept my mother's words and finally go to sleep.  that was the day i learned that chickens weren't pets or just fancy, feathery birds.  no, they were not.  they were food.  

 

risk v regret

Do the risky thing no matter what happens—there is far less regret in living life through action, rather than just in our heads. When we don’t honor our heart we miss out on experiences, which connect us deeper to our own truth. 

Tracy Crossley  (Behavioral Relationship Expert)

magic

i woke this morning and as i lay in bed, conscious thoughts just beginning to form, they turned to moments shared with him.  the next thing i knew my eyes were leaking profusely and i was sobbing, missing him and the intimacy and magic we've shared.  i want the magic of smiles that come from never getting tired of seeing them come through the door, of knowing such a precious thing as their love is yours, of finding ways to show them how much love and appreciation and desire you hold in your heart, mind and body for them.  i want that magic and i know when you really have that it's not a fleeting thing at all. when you come from a place of shared love and gratitude,  it is a never ending process that keeps itself alive.  i don't just think this, i know this...we know this.  we knew magic.       

things lost, things found

i was going through some items on a bookshelf this morning when i picked up a journal that was given to me by a friend from my teenage years.  cheryl sent it to me after mark's death along with a letter expressing her condolences and love.  i remember crying when i read the inscription, "for my sallie with love".  for some reason, cheryl has always called me her sallie.  

inside the journal is an assortment of comments from others that i collected as i struggled with my self worth and identity after mark died.  (seems to be a common trait i have)   i was at a point after mark's death of doing some self evaluation and decided to ask my friends to write down what they considered my best qualities to allow me some perspective (and hopefully a much needed boost to my self esteem).  no flattery for flattery's sake, only truth.  the following quotes are what i received.

Donna A: your best qualities are loyalty, honesty and strength.  you have always been loyal to friends and stuck by them. you are honest with your opinions and do not sugarcoat things.  you are real.  your strength is amazing.  you always find ways to get through any challenge and make the best of things.  perseverance, beauty and may other things make you a beautiful person.  i am so proud of you for all you have accomplished, not just now but throughout the years.  your strength and determination surpass that of any other person i know.  

Deb H: 1. kindness-you have always been kind to me and nearly everyone i've seen you interact with.  2. honesty-you are not one to tell people what hey want to hear.  i have never seen you be brutally honest but you are not one to sugar coat  it either, especially when someone ass you what you think.  3. sensitive yet strong.  you are strong willed and have pulled yourself through many troubling times.  yet, you are sensitive to those issues that continue to haunt you even when you believe you have put them behind you.  but that is what makes you the person you are today.  you are sensitive and a good listener to others and able to give advice based on your own experiences.  there are more but these are the ones i like the most.  simply put, you are always willing to help others through tough times even when you are struggling.

Mike K : what are sallie's best qualities?  a bit difficult since we've never met face to face. so why do i love your person?  you must have some extraordinary qualities.  first of all, you were the life partner of the closest friend i've ever had.  i know that you must be smart and witty.  mark did not suffer fools well.  you have a huge heart.  you are going through probably the most painful part of your life, but you haven't dug a hole and jumped in.  you have been able to be my sounding post and therapist while enduring your sadness.  this makes you more than generous.  i know that sometimes you don't feel like dealing with any person, yet you have always made time for my grief over mark and my personal issues i haven't shared with anyone ever.  this makes you a generous and loving person, giving when you may not feel like it.  and finally, trustworthiness.  i feel i can share anything with you in confidence and it will remain safe with you.  you would not ever hurt anyone unless they really deserved it.  i imagine you could give as much as you get when hurt or invalidated by someone.  you are a strong woman with a soft soul and a quick mind.  i feel that i know you well but how can that be?  we've never met!  but i have seen enough and learned enough to know you are very special to me.

Shannon P: reasons why i love you...you're my aunty, one of my favorites.  i have memories of you showing me how to cook, letting me get up on the step stool.  i always wanted to be a chef and you helped me find my calling.  although i could never be as good as you royse ladies, i'm inspired to be.  and you love unconditionally...i always felt warm and welcome in your house no matter the disastrous paths some of us have taken.  you didn;t judge, just offered your opinion and loved us anyway.  you are so smart about so many things, so knowledgable and helpful  i always hoped i could be a strong, passionate, caring woman like yourself...you're one of my heros. 

Cheryl V: you are a kind, caring, loving person and i can see you are someone who likes to be silly and have fun.  and i'm just not saying this, you are one heck of a writer.  

Betsy P: what i love about you is that you are a great communicator.  you are compassionate, honest and empathetic.  i love your sense of humor.  it's a dry one and for me it's the best!  you are authentic, you are just being you and i gravitate toward that.  i love that you think outside the box and are open to ALL!  i have the perception that you accept me with all my flaws and that, dear sal, is the gift! 

Linda K:  ok, i've been giving this a lot of thought.  first character trait is your intelligence.  you are one of the most articulate and verbally expressive women that i know.  you are well read and know how to get your point across.  2. you're ornery as hell!  i am sure if i were to suggest one of my wild ideas to you, you'd be right on it!  3.  you have no trouble coming out with what you think and feel even if it may be upsetting.  4.  you re steadfast and true.  i know if i needed you and it was within your ability, you'd be right there for me.  5. you have a crazy sense of humor and make me laugh a lot.  damn woman, i just love ya!  

Kelly S: you have done so much and been so strong and along the way you have shared all the struggles and joys with us.  you have the strength of zues i am convinced.

Donna H: what you've accomplished and worked through in the past 7 months is nothing less than mind boggling, sallie.  you are amazing.  live your new life with all the zest within you.  you deserve it.

Cindy F: you are one of the most beautiful people, your soul exudes strength, compassion, love, depth, wisdom. 

i guess there are no coincidences and the fact that i decided to open this journal today at a time when i really needed to be reminded of who i am, validates that.  

wisdom quotes

all quotes (c) jeff brown from his book, "love it forward".  asterisks represent my most favorite of those shared.

*Out with the old, in with the true.

Be like the river that doesn't wish it were the ocean.  Surrender to who you are.

*You can connect from all kinds of places- energetic harmony, sexual alchemy, intellectual alignment- but they won’t sustain love over a lifetime. You need a thread that goes deeper, that moves below and beyond the shifting sands of compatibility. That thread is fascination- a genuine fascination with someone’s inner world, with the way they organize reality, with the way they hearticulate their feelings, with the unfathomable and bottomless depths of their being. To hear their soul cry out to you again and again, and to never lose interest in what it is trying to convey. If there is that, then there will still be love when the body sickens, when the sexuality fades, when the perfection projection is long shattered. If there is that, you will swim in love’s waters until the very last breath.

*Savor every bloody moment of aliveness. Don’t delay the delight to a day that may never come. Don’t wait for the last breath before you wake the f*#k up.

*We can’t find our path without getting messy. Messy comes with the territory. We came in messy. We learn messy. We love messy. We leave messy. I never found my way to clarity without first befriending confusion, in all its chaotic forms. I never found a path that felt like home before falling into quicksand. I never established a new way of being without trying the wrong way of being on for size. I never found the light without stumbling around in the dark. I never tasted God before getting a little dirt in my mouth. In the heart of the chaos is the clay that shapes us home.

You are the sculptor of your own reality. Don’t hand your tools to anyone else.

***When you add soul to sex, it’s not sex anymore. It’s God. 

*You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch- it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins.

Truth is the gateway to the moment.

Sometimes love finds you when it’s ready. And when you’re ready too. How that happens is anybody’s guess. Love is the great mystery stew, its secrets well kept, its ingredients known to providence alone. While both people are being prepared, marinated, skewered, cooked to readiness in the fires of life, the cosmic alchemist is turning the pot, reverently preparing the base for the lovers who will meld into it. Only God knows when the stew is ready to be served. Divine timing, Divine dining…

***Although meditation was a helpful spiritual practice, it also reminded me of the limits of solo travel. When I would expand my consciousness in isolation, on the meditation cushion, alone in nature, at the tail end of an emotional release, there was a way in which I could never touch eternity. It was like I was skirting the edges of God- touching her toes, smelling her skin, watching her breathe- without ever penetrating her depths. With love as my meditation, God opened herself completely to me, inviting me deeper in with every breath stroke. In loving my beloved, in surrendering to the merger along the heart-genital highway, another portal opened, one where the eternal nature of soul-life was revealed. Our unified soul was the alchemical combination that showed us God. 

It’s all very complicated until time makes it simple.

***That’s the thing about great love. It elevates everything around it. You walk through a forest together and it becomes a great temple. You eat a meal together and you sit at God’s banquet table. You merge your bodies and all heaven breaks loose. That’s why we can’t stop singing about love. Every verse is a serenade into wholeness.

This life is a hero’s journey. Anyone who sticks it out and gives it their best shot is heroic, in my eyes. What we call normal is so often extraordinary. Just overcoming the weight of the world, and making a genuine effort to identify and honor our true-path is profound. Kudos to anyone who is making a genuine effort to get through this life with originality, awareness and authenticity.

It’s not about giving up on the fairy tale relationship. It’s about landing it in reality. It’s about giving the fairy feet. It’s about peeling away the prince’s armor and loving the human down below. It’s about wiping off the princess’ make-up and loving her divine humanness. It’s about finding romance in the naked fires of daily life. When our masks and disguises fall away, real love can reveal itself. Forget fairy tales- the human tale is much more satisfying. We just have to learn how to get turned on by humanness.

***There is a time to seek, and a time to find. Seeking, exploring, excavating our true path is essential to the journey, but we need to be careful not to miss the signs that we have discovered something that is ready to be lived. Sometimes we know more than we are admitting to ourselves about our path because we are afraid to live our truth fully. Perhaps we were not met with acceptance and support when we revealed who we were; perhaps we are afraid of the consequences of owning our path. Whatever stands in the way, let us courageously live what we find so that we can expand into wholeness. The universe delights in our actualization. 

I am all for aha! moments and other peak experiences, but my most lasting transformation happened in the subtleties, in those private moments of decision as to which path to walk. In every moment, there is a choice: Will I open, or close? Will I take responsibility, or blame? Will I download the learning, or deflect? Will I go to my edge, or fall back to safety? Will I honor my intuition, or listen to the world? Millions of moments of decision that inform who we become. Getting out of Unconscious Prison is a life-long journey. True path is built with choices. I choose authenticity.

*Everyone decides what love is for them. Some of us stop at practicality. And some of us will only stop when the most profound love connection walks through the door. The practical ones have a much better chance of lasting. But the soulful ones actually have a chance to touch God. Their odds are lower, but they don’t much care. Better an occasional banquet with God than 3 meals a day with a stranger. Pick your path…

***I didn’t realize how alone I was, until I wasn’t. It is such a relief when great love comes your way after years, lifetimes without it. Let there be no doubt that all love connections are not created equal. Some bonds are simply practical. Others are blindly rooted in pathology and old traumas. Still others are opportunities to heal and have essential needs finally met. And some have a mystical quality from the first meeting. Pure and simple. Apparent from the first outbreath. Unmistakably sacred. God rising on the wings of their love. This is how the timely and the timeless become indistinguishable- when love meets God deep in the heart’s inner temple.

 

who?

 who will ask how i slept last night or care about my day?

and who will care that my toes shine ferrari red or my eyes are a blue million miles?

i have put away the slippers purchased just for you and all the little lacy things that no one else will see.

the birthday card you sent me is now tucked inside a drawer with all the other cards you've sent

and the jewelry that you bought for me will not touch my skin again.  

who will always tell to be safe whenever i go and want to know if i arrived or made it home safely?

who will make me laugh and dance and make me feel alive? 

who will be thrilled to see me as much as i am thrilled to see them?

and who will say i love you and adore you and make me feel that?

no one.

i need to write...

 ...and i need to cry more tears.  

yeah, it's one of those days where i know i must push forward but i keep choking back the tears and telling myself, "be present, get your head out of the past".  

yesterday i was feeling strong and fairly sure of myself.  i'm still sure that i deserve more but the feelings of love, desire and sorrow cloud my heart and mind.  i think of his face, his affection, our times together, making love, laughing, listening to music, making love some more, the phone calls and texts...i want to shove all of that away, clear the slate, but i can't because it happened.  any thought and i am right back there again missing him and wanting him. i do so want him in my life but it's no good unless he's free to be there. 

this is torture and yet, the lengthy separations and constant uncertainty was, too.  i will learn to live without him...i have to.  this is not just my choice but his as well.  when you get down to the basics of love, it seems crazy to reject what you love and want and what fate has lead you to, but we all must make the choice to save ourselves.  i am doing just that. 

as i wrote yesterday's post i was thinking how he's at a point at 45 somewhat similar to where i was at 45.  the difference is, i chose myself.  but then, i wasn't in love with anyone outside my marriage.  if i had had love and desire in my heart for anyone other than my husband and couldn't be authentic in my marriage i know i would have left it.  i know myself well enough to know i can't be untrue to myself or a partner.  and this is precisely why i have battled with myself over this relationship.  i wasn't being true to myself and what i wanted or needed in my life or from a relationship.  

i do know that he was as dedicated as he could be under the circumstances, but i was always left feeling i was sacrificing my heart, even my future for a few moments of love and pleasure.  yet i kept on because i so wanted him in every way and i kept hoping he would know my love was what he had been seeking all his life.  i think it was and is and i think he knows that, but it's not my job to try and convince him.

i may never have what i want.  i may have to accept that my life is what it is from this point forward and make the best of it.  the prospect of living without love and intimacy is quite depressing because those things mean more to me than anything, but i promise myself this, i will never get involved with anyone else who simply wants a part time lover, a diversion, a distraction from their unsatisfactory life, a friend with benefits or is married.  i'm fucking worth a whole lot more.  so a big "fuck you" to the men who have taken advantage of the most sacred thing i have to offer; my love and my body, with no good cause but to satisfy their needs.  and a big "fuck me" for being so accommodating and for not realizing i operate from a deeper need and my body and heart are connected. and jason,  you knew that's how it worked even when i didn't, yet you proceeded, knowing damn well i would fall. why did you take me there?  are you that selfish and i'm only beginning to see?  i deserve an answer.     

epiphanies and illusions

a few days ago i was thinking back many years to an unusual experience i had.  actually i've had quite a few of those but this is about one in particular.  

in the year 2000 i had left my job working with my husband to take some time off to find myself.  i was 45 years old and had spent all my life raising children and working.  my identity had been so wrapped up in those responsibilities that i really didn't know what i was about or even wanted from the rest of my life.  

that year i did a lot of what i call "soul work".  i needed to find my passion since now i could take the time for myself.  my journey consisted primarily of much self-analysis, focusing on gratitude, meditating daily and getting in touch my spiritual nature.  this lead to expanding my creative side, which was always there but which i had little time to explore.  i've always loved writing so i believe it was only natural that this became my outlet for a better understanding of myself.  this is when the poetry and words flowed through me daily.  i began connecting with my higher self and writing things of a spiritual nature including children's poetry.  mornings would find me seated at my kitchen table writing, often in a bit of a fervor as the words seemed to be coming at me rapidly and easily, almost as if they were being planted in my mind from some higher source.  i often felt as if i were simply transcribing them.  

this was about the same time i began having some unusual things happen, like out of body experiences.  these were scary at first as i would awaken with sleep paralysis, unable to speak or more.  eventually i researched the phenomena and found out how to let go and allow the experience as well as how to bring myself out of one if i became frightened.  after that i continued to have many OBEs, allowing myself to enjoy them and was even eventually able to induce them.  

in the fall of 2000 another unusual thing happened.  it was morning and i was sleeping.  before i even opened my eyes and became aware that i was waking, there were profound and concise words coming into my head from somewhere and i knew they mattered.  i literally stumbled from my bed, not taking time to even put on my glasses, and clumsily ran to the kitchen to gather pen and paper to write the words down lest they be forgotten like a dream that fades after wakefulness.  but they weren't a dream.  it was as if the words themselves had woken me, demanding to be heard. all i know is that they resonated my very own truth and i knew they mattered and were not to be forgotten.  i don't know how to convey the impact those words had...they were my core truth and revealed the foundation of me and my direct connection to spirit.  for years i didn't know how to define god (and still i or none of us really do) so i called that life force GUS (God/Universe/Source).  

so 20 years later this is where things get weird again...

for years i had lost any copies of these words between moves and computer crashes,  and although i remembered the gist of them, i couldn't recall them precisely and as happens, i gave little thought of them and any of what i've shared her.  but out of the blue just a couple of days ago i found myself thinking about all this and wishing i could remember those words or find a copy of them somewhere.  

then last night the thought dawned on me that i should pull the richard bach book, "illusions" off the shelf and give it a read again after so many years.  so i did so, laying it on my desk to open in the morning.  

morning came late as i was up writing into the wee hours and didn't get to bed until after 6 am.  but once i did get up, with coffee in hand i opened the book to reread the first chapter.  i have always remembered and cherished that particular part of the book for it's message about fear making us cling to what's familiar, afraid to let go when in realty letting go maybe rough at first but is easier and more rewarding in the long run than resisting change.  i can only guess that i was subconsciously led to read this book again because of a situation i and someone i love are going through separately yet in a great sense together, both of which have to do with letting go of fear and looking at choices and possible major changes in our lives.  

after reading this brief chapter i noticed a piece of folded paper tucked into the center of the book.  i removed it, unfolded it and was totally surprised to find the words from what i call my epiphany of that morning 20 years ago, in my hand, dated oct. 26th, 2000.  they were as follows,

if i can't love from the depth of my heart, feel with every ounce of my being, believe in the goodness and oneness of it all and the power of love, then i have chosen to be deaf to my inner voice, blind to what i see, and i deny who i really am.  

was it merely coincidence that led me to that book after just thinking about those words a few days prior?  what is coincidence?  what causes it to happen?  all i know is that it's something we recognize but have no explanation for.  is it ourselves attracting what we wish for or need or is it a force outside of us assisting these seemingly remarkable occurrences?  (just in case the latter is true, i thanked that force.)  we can't know but the possibilities leave us wondering why sometimes by "mere coincidence" we get what our heart desires whether it be a relationship, a phone call, or even words on a piece of paper hidden for 20 years.

 

illusions (the book)

the thought came to me last night that it is once again time to read, "illusions, adventures of a reluctant messiah",  as there is much wisdom to be gained from this little gem of a story.  i have treasured this 144 page book for years and read it several times over those years.  

the beginning chapter is written in verses as a parable-like prelude to an actual story about two barnstormers, one a guy by the name of richard, the other an actual messiah, but that first chapter has always stuck with me.  sometimes we all need to let go of fear and allow ourselves to be tossed about in order to be free.  sometimes we have to quit trying and live in whatever way that makes us happy.  

1. There was a Master come unto the earth, born in the holy land of Indiana, raised in the mystical hills east of Fort Wayne. 

2. The Master learned of this world in the public schools of Indiana, and as he grew, in his trade as a mechanic of automobiles. 

3. But the Master had learnings from other lands and other schools, from other lives that he had lived. He remembered these, and remembering became wise and strong, so that others saw his strength and came to him for counsel. 

4. The Master believed that he had power to help himself and all mankind, and as he believed so it was for him, so that others saw his power and came to him to be healed of their troubles and their many diseases. 

5. The Master believed that it is well for any man to think upon himself as a son of God, and as he believed, so it was, and the shops and garages where he worked became crowded and jammed with those who sought his learning and his touch, and the streets outside with those who longed only that the shadow of his passing might fall upon them, and change their lives. 

6. It came to pass, because of the crowds, that the several foremen and shop managers bid the Master leave his tools and go his way, for so tightly was he thronged that neither he nor other mechanics had room to work upon the automobiles. 

7. So it was that he went into the countryside, and people following began to call him Messiah, and worker of miracles; and as they believed, it was so. 

8. If a storm passed as he spoke, not a raindrop touched a listener’s head; the last of the multitude heard his words as clearly as the first, no matter lightning nor thunder in the sky about. And always he spoke to them in parables. 

9. And he said unto them, “within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and to sickness, to riches and to poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we who control these, and not another.” 

10. A mill-man spoke and said, “Easy words for you, Master, for you are guided as we are not, and need not toil as we toil. A man has to work for his living in this world.” 

11. The Master answered and said, “Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. 

12. “The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. 

13. “Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. 

14. “But one creature said at last, ‘I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.’ 

15. “The other creatures laughed and said, ‘Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!’ 

16. “But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 

17. “Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 

18. “And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, ‘See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!’ 

19. “And the one carried in the current said, ‘I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.’ 

20. “But they cried the more, ‘Saviour!’ all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a Saviour.” 

21. And it came to pass when he saw that the multitude thronged him the more day on day, tighter and closer and fiercer than ever they had, when he saw that they pressed him to heal them without rest, and feed them always with his miracles, to learn for them and to live their lives, he went alone that day unto a hilltop apart, and there he prayed. 

22. And he said in his heart, Infinite Radian Is, if it be thy will, let this cup pass from me, let me lay aside this impossible task. I cannot live the life of one other soul, yet ten thousand cry to me for life. I’m sorry I allowed it all to happen. If it be thy will, let me go back to my engines and my tools and let me live as other men. 

23. And a voice spoke to him on the hilltop, a voice neither male nor female, loud nor soft, a voice infinitely kind. And the voice said unto him, “Not my will, but thine be done. For what is thy will is mine for thee. Go thy way as other men, and be thou happy on the earth.” 

24. And hearing, the Master was glad, and gave thanks, and came down from the hilltop humming a little mechanic’s song. And when the throng pressed him with its woes, beseeching him to heal for it and learn for it and feed it nonstop from his understanding and to entertain it with his wonders, he smiled upon the multitude and said pleasantly unto them, “I quit.” 

25. For a moment the multitude was stricken dumb with astonishment. 

26. And he said unto them, “If a man told God that he wanted most of all to help the suffering world, no matter the price to himself, and God answered and told him what he must do, should the man do as he is told?” 

27. “Of course, Master!” cried the many. “It should be pleasure for him to suffer the tortures of hell itself, should God ask for it!” 

28. “No matter what those tortures, nor how difficult the task?” 

29. “Honor to be hanged, glory to be nailed to a tree and burned, if so be that God has asked,” said they. 

30. “And what would you do,” the Master said unto the multitude, “if God spoke directly to your face and said, ‘I COMMAND THAT YOU BE HAPPY IN THE WORLD, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.’ What would you do then?” 

31. And the multitude was silent, not a voice, not a sound was heard upon the hillsides, across the valleys where they stood. 

32. And the Master said unto the silence, “In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime. So it is that I have learned this day, and choose to leave you now to walk your own path, as you please.” 

33. And he went his way through the crowds and left them, and he returned to the everyday world of men and machines.

before i sleep

it's 2:30 in the morning as i sit here, not quite ready for sleep because i'm overthinking as usual.  

i feel fractured.

as i sit, i bend down and rub my legs.  up and down, telling myself i am a goddess and i am worthy of more.  

he taught me what it felt like to exchange worship and adoration, to not feel ashamed of my body with him and to make love without inhibitions from a place of pure desire.  i want that.  

so i cry and amidst the tears i continue to tell myself i deserve more.  i deserve someone who actually chooses me and can give himself to me without question.  

i know i was something with him and to him.  i didn't want to put a halt to what we shared, but we both knew the pain so i offered he and i a way out and he accepted.

there is pain with him and still there is pain without him, knowing the possibility that we may never share again what we have known so intimately.  

i think he can live on memories.  i can't.  at this point in my life, memories are not enough. half truths are not enough.  i want the hope of something real, not something that feels real (because it so did) but something to hold onto that's real and true and not just occasional.  

i want to be worth more than just an escape from his reality.  that has seemed to be my downfall since mark died.  i can see how i've provided everything a man could want; the perfect place to come to for comfort, love, sex, sustenance and every accommodation possible.  i made it so easy for all of them to escape into my sheltering arms.  i made them feel like men.  only this time i fell in love.  i felt loved.  he treated me so beautifully when we were together.  he looked at me like no one ever had.  i thrived on the conversation, the connection, the entire experience and i grew to truly love the man he was for who he was, not just as a beautiful lover, but who he was as a vulnerable, caring person.  i spewed words of praise and adoration that i meant.   he was so vital to me and my life that now, despite knowing i deserve more, i am grief stricken for what i feel i've lost but never actually had.  even though he has love for me, i think i was more of a good time for him, a balm and fantasy to sooth the pin and lack of his reality.  he might argue that point but what else was i?  time may tell if i was more or if i wasn't.  

i hate where i'm at right now.  i feel like i've grieved for 11 years only to grieve again, even though this  ending was my fault for being so emotional.  i finally got to taste what's been missing all my life and in every relationship i've known.  it was like a big fat tease, a cruel joke from the universe.  this man embodied everything that attracted me.  smart, funny, sensitive, creative, his love of writing, music and his appreciation and desire for all that is feminine, his attention to detail.  plus i found him incredibly attractive.  our chemistry was incredible, our lovemaking delicious. whether we made love sweetly or fucked passionately, my body responded to him in ways i'd never experienced and likely never will again.  it was like we were made for love and sex with each other and my body knew it.  and like he said, we fit together perfectly.  i still grow weak at the thought of those moments.  i was never more present than when we made love.  i was his and he was mine and we both took what we wanted, sometimes so tenderly and sweetly, sometimes  greedily.  and every bit of it was unique to us...heaven on earth.  he was my church.  he was the altar where i worshipped.  i found myself complete when we made love,  i became the goddess.  and now all of that may be lost forever.  how do i live without that now that i have known it so completely?  but how can i live with feeling like i'm not enough to warrant his devotion when i gave him all of mine?  i let him in and opened myself up completely and allowed him to enter my heart, body and soul.  i literally handed it to him.  

so here i am, losing sleep and crying again.  i feel as if i found my true feminine self with him and only with him.  i hope he understands what a gift that was because i feel it could not have happened with anyone else nor ever will again.  he got the best of me.

i want to continue to love him and be loved by him and the sad part is, i do love him and believe he loves me.  but he doesn't love me or want me enough to really be in my life and he can't be as long as he chooses to live inauthentically, refusing to follow his passion and only using me as an escape and to fulfill his needs and desires. i'm the whole enchilada and worth more than a few bites. 

i love him and i miss him and i don't know how to stop.  they say fake it until you make it but i never was any good at faking what i don't feel.  i value my authenticity.  i'm only good at hoping, but when you're given nothing to hope for, decisions have to be made.  (he should think of that in his own life) i don't hold out hope for much of anything right now regarding us or my individual future.  even if i were to consider another relationship, how does that work when your heart is already taken and breaking.  and how would that work in the time of covid anyhow?   it doesn't matter because nothing would compare and i have to live with that.  

i think he believed he was doing me a favor by giving me something i'd never had before.  it wasn't a favor though.  he empowered and humbled me all at the same time with all his love and affection but without him i feel neither empowered or humbled.  i feel useless and powerless.  he did me no favors nor did i.   i was always left with uncertainty and am now left with a sense of loss even though he was never really mine to lose.

it's now 4:30.  i have been sitting here at my computer this whole time, thinking, writing and crying.  i feel as if i have cried for years.  maybe my life was strictly meant for sorrow.  it feels that way at times, with all the people i have grieved over and those to come. i keep trying every time to choose life and seek happiness.  maybe this time i can resolve myself to the idea that it doesn't appear to be in the cards or the stars for me.  i sometimes question, was i so bad in a past or alternate life that this is my karma, that the universe is saying, "you will love and lose, love and lose, love and lose"?  i don't necessarily believe in karma but it does make one wonder.  i guess the pain is equal to the love you feel.  this one's a doozy.  

a verse from a poem comes to mind, one of my favorites from robert frost: 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

it would be easy enough to go into the deep darkness and rest in eternal slumber, but i know i can't.  

i'm not sure where or when the journey ends but i have miles to go.

and this is why i have a semicolon above the "i" in my warrior tattoo.  my story may not be what 

i've hoped it would be, but i know it's not over yet despite the times i've wished it were.  

writing it out is my only way to catharsis.  maybe now that i've given voice once again to my 

thoughts and feelings sleep will find me.   

it is sunday morning and i wonder if he'll wake, feeling warm and amorous and wanting me.  i hope 

he does and i hope he lives with always wanting me.  

the word of the day is f u c k

i am spinning, spinning, spinning, trying to figure my life out...what do i want, where do i go?  i feel as if i'm starting over for the nth time.  

what is true?

i want to abandon it all, empty my life of all the bullshit, all the stuff, all the feelings of obligation, responsibility and need and like Chris Farley says, live in a van down by the river.  

i don't belong here...i don't feel as if i belong anywhere.  

the Buddha says to make an island of yourself.  make yourself your refuge.  make truth your island and refuge.  what truth?  

i don't expect to be gloriously happy and content in any situation, but i'd like to be reasonably content.  to love and be loved.  maybe that's asking and wanting too much.

i have some hard choices to make.  i know this.  it's either that or continue on a path of lingering doubt, regretting the choices i didn't make and paths i didn't take.  i don't want to die stagnating in my distance and solitude.  but like everyone else, (i, who preach change) am fearful of making the wrong decisions.  i, who have been challenged again and again and have HAD to make big choices am now afraid?  i can't seem to gain clarity.

oh the things i want that aren't mine to have and may never be.  

i guess what i want is to walk away from myself and my life and create a new me and a new life.  but a bird does not change its feathers just because the weather is bad.   

what concerns me...

 ...is that as time goes by my presence in your life will become less and less important

...that you will look upon our time together as fond memories while i look at it as bittersweet memories and precious time i can't get back

...that my expectations for giving and receiving love have been raised too high because of what we shared

...that even though you may not have been consciously aware, you used me to feel empowered and adequate

...that i will never get over you

...that this is the end and the final chapter of love in my life and this life will never give me anything more than that taste of the one thing i've always wanted

...that life will continue but cease to have any real meaning because love is the only thing that gives it real meaning and substance

...and that without love i will continue to feel lost and apathetic about life and anything else in it

as i write these things i know i sound pathetic and like a victim.  it's not so much that i feel like a victim. i went into this thing knowing the circumstances.  i am at fault for being vulnerable, for allowing myself to feel something too good to be true and sustainable if both parties aren't fully invested.  i didn't intend for this to happen and i am not a victim, only a fool for thinking my heart wouldn't get involved.  

 

single thought

 if the timing was off we never would have made the connection

what this is

it's after midnight as i write this.  i've been reviewing some of what i've written over the months.  for the most part this blog should have been named, "love letters to jason".  this is where i come to write what i feel whether i have been glowing in the aftermath of his warmth and passion or craving him or devastated by circumstances regarding our illicit affair. 

he is my muse,  of that there is no denying.  he moves my emotions in every direction possible.  and even when i feel angry at him or frustrated with him  because of those circumstance, i love him and would take him into my arms without hesitation.  

so here i am again, focused entirely on him, my feelings for him and yet i know i need to let things be.  in many ways this is more his journey than mine.  i was along for the ride for a time but now all am is a bystander.    

alive

 i came across this quote i found in 2013:

"that scared feeling is you being alive"

it makes sense.  it's ok to be scared and step into the unknown.  that's the opportunity life gives us.  that IS life.

 it would be good...no, it would be great if we could stop being frozen (aka dead) because of our fear and just let go, trust our gut and jump into life and not worry how things will work out.  they always work out one way or another and in the end we'll be ok.  there will always be regrets, but most often because we didn't do what we dreamed of because we let fear define our path.  

maybe it's time to stop being so logical.  

Let It Be

sometimes we want to take all the memories and feelings attached to a particular person or circumstance, put them in a box and store them somewhere in the recesses of the mind so they are hidden.  but it doesn't work that way.  memories and emotions are attached to us and the person we shared them with.  we can't dispose of them, hide them away or forget them. we can't just let go so we must simply let it be what it is as we process the experience and all the feelings attached to it.  

so what do i do with this love i have for you my sweet prince?  the only thing i can...let it be.  

my great sin

 all those small sweet things

i'd never known before

you gave to me so willingly

to make me feel adored

you washed my hair so gently

laid kisses at my feet

worshipped me in word and deed

with no promises to keep

skin to skin we bathed in sin

and now the cost is due

the payment is my broken heart

because of loving you

you were never mine to love

but yet i let you in

and dreamed the dream of lovers

what was and could have been

8-18-20

i am not a warrior

 

that tattoo along my left foot

no longer belongs there

i am not a warrior

i am weak

it's a beautifully mild august morning

the only thing perfect about this day

and it is wasted on me

i don't want to breathe anymore

to think   to feel  to exist

if i were a warrior

i would not need that word 

engraved permanently on my body

if i were a true warrior

i would cut that word from my skin

leaving only scars

to add to my collection

inflicting physical pain

to numb the grief

but i am not that brave

8-18-20

tuesday morning questions

awakened by garbage trucks

i do not want to leave the bed

still smelling of union

even with the window open

he the first thought to materialize 

the dishes continue to pile

his towel left hanging by the shower

my cinderella slippers lay seductively by the bed

ten minutes up and i am in tears

how do i do this?  what do i do

when he is vital like the blood in my veins

when we breathed each other in

like life sustaining oxygen?

how many losses does one have to bear?

no doubt there will be more

i am useless to myself or anyone else

and why wouldn't i be?

i pleaded for help last night

begging whatever gods or entities that might exist

no comfort came    no answers heard

only guttural sobs echoing through the night

how can something so beautiful

not be right   not be meant to be

not be allowed to be mine

just this once?

how do i bear never seeing his face 

his brown eyes looking back at me

or my finger never tracing the curve of his ear 

or his lips again?

and where will i worship

when my need to taste him

and the spirit of desire

demands i offer my sacred vessel?

my cruel lover   

you have left your imprint and a memory

on everything around me and in me

why did you do this knowing 

you would never be mine?

8-18-20

cinderella lost

 

why do i believe in fairy tale endings? 

why do i believe in dreams that can't come true?

i think perhaps i wouldn't 

if it hadn't been for you

i've bathed in your love for hours

watching night turn into day

but when the morning comes

your bag is packed...you go away

and i am left to ponder

what this is and what might be

while in the dimly lit silence

darkness descends on me

there is no slipper made of glass

no prince to rescue me

my only true companion

is the night surrounding me

"star light star bright

first star i see tonight

i wish i may i wish i might

have the wish i wish tonight"

8-16-20

coming going

 with him i know

the highest of highs

and when he goes

the lowest of lows

labyrinth

there is a path that circles from me to you and back again 

into completeness

we have tried often to define this connection

speaking and stumbling with words inadequate

there is no trail or trace of what exists between us

except what lives on in our hearts and minds

sealed within the realm of the intangible

s.cooper

8-7-2020

invitation to a lover

meet me fully

live your truth unapologetically 

grow with me

evolve with me

seek the unknown with me

can we not free ourselves

and dance into the magic and adventure?