i was going through some items on a bookshelf this morning when i picked up a journal that was given to me by a friend from my teenage years. cheryl sent it to me after mark's death along with a letter expressing her condolences and love. i remember crying when i read the inscription, "for my sallie with love". for some reason, cheryl has always called me her sallie.
inside the journal is an assortment of comments from others that i collected as i struggled with my self worth and identity after mark died. (seems to be a common trait i have) i was at a point after mark's death of doing some self evaluation and decided to ask my friends to write down what they considered my best qualities to allow me some perspective (and hopefully a much needed boost to my self esteem). no flattery for flattery's sake, only truth. the following quotes are what i received.
Donna A: your best qualities are loyalty, honesty and strength. you have always been loyal to friends and stuck by them. you are honest with your opinions and do not sugarcoat things. you are real. your strength is amazing. you always find ways to get through any challenge and make the best of things. perseverance, beauty and may other things make you a beautiful person. i am so proud of you for all you have accomplished, not just now but throughout the years. your strength and determination surpass that of any other person i know.
Deb H: 1. kindness-you have always been kind to me and nearly everyone i've seen you interact with. 2. honesty-you are not one to tell people what hey want to hear. i have never seen you be brutally honest but you are not one to sugar coat it either, especially when someone ass you what you think. 3. sensitive yet strong. you are strong willed and have pulled yourself through many troubling times. yet, you are sensitive to those issues that continue to haunt you even when you believe you have put them behind you. but that is what makes you the person you are today. you are sensitive and a good listener to others and able to give advice based on your own experiences. there are more but these are the ones i like the most. simply put, you are always willing to help others through tough times even when you are struggling.
Mike K : what are sallie's best qualities? a bit difficult since we've never met face to face. so why do i love your person? you must have some extraordinary qualities. first of all, you were the life partner of the closest friend i've ever had. i know that you must be smart and witty. mark did not suffer fools well. you have a huge heart. you are going through probably the most painful part of your life, but you haven't dug a hole and jumped in. you have been able to be my sounding post and therapist while enduring your sadness. this makes you more than generous. i know that sometimes you don't feel like dealing with any person, yet you have always made time for my grief over mark and my personal issues i haven't shared with anyone ever. this makes you a generous and loving person, giving when you may not feel like it. and finally, trustworthiness. i feel i can share anything with you in confidence and it will remain safe with you. you would not ever hurt anyone unless they really deserved it. i imagine you could give as much as you get when hurt or invalidated by someone. you are a strong woman with a soft soul and a quick mind. i feel that i know you well but how can that be? we've never met! but i have seen enough and learned enough to know you are very special to me.
Shannon P: reasons why i love you...you're my aunty, one of my favorites. i have memories of you showing me how to cook, letting me get up on the step stool. i always wanted to be a chef and you helped me find my calling. although i could never be as good as you royse ladies, i'm inspired to be. and you love unconditionally...i always felt warm and welcome in your house no matter the disastrous paths some of us have taken. you didn;t judge, just offered your opinion and loved us anyway. you are so smart about so many things, so knowledgable and helpful i always hoped i could be a strong, passionate, caring woman like yourself...you're one of my heros.
Cheryl V: you are a kind, caring, loving person and i can see you are someone who likes to be silly and have fun. and i'm just not saying this, you are one heck of a writer.
Betsy P: what i love about you is that you are a great communicator. you are compassionate, honest and empathetic. i love your sense of humor. it's a dry one and for me it's the best! you are authentic, you are just being you and i gravitate toward that. i love that you think outside the box and are open to ALL! i have the perception that you accept me with all my flaws and that, dear sal, is the gift!
Linda K: ok, i've been giving this a lot of thought. first character trait is your intelligence. you are one of the most articulate and verbally expressive women that i know. you are well read and know how to get your point across. 2. you're ornery as hell! i am sure if i were to suggest one of my wild ideas to you, you'd be right on it! 3. you have no trouble coming out with what you think and feel even if it may be upsetting. 4. you re steadfast and true. i know if i needed you and it was within your ability, you'd be right there for me. 5. you have a crazy sense of humor and make me laugh a lot. damn woman, i just love ya!
Kelly S: you have done so much and been so strong and along the way you have shared all the struggles and joys with us. you have the strength of zues i am convinced.
Donna H: what you've accomplished and worked through in the past 7 months is nothing less than mind boggling, sallie. you are amazing. live your new life with all the zest within you. you deserve it.
Cindy F: you are one of the most beautiful people, your soul exudes strength, compassion, love, depth, wisdom.
i guess there are no coincidences and the fact that i decided to open this journal today at a time when i really needed to be reminded of who i am, validates that.
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