i need to write...

 ...and i need to cry more tears.  

yeah, it's one of those days where i know i must push forward but i keep choking back the tears and telling myself, "be present, get your head out of the past".  

yesterday i was feeling strong and fairly sure of myself.  i'm still sure that i deserve more but the feelings of love, desire and sorrow cloud my heart and mind.  i think of his face, his affection, our times together, making love, laughing, listening to music, making love some more, the phone calls and texts...i want to shove all of that away, clear the slate, but i can't because it happened.  any thought and i am right back there again missing him and wanting him. i do so want him in my life but it's no good unless he's free to be there. 

this is torture and yet, the lengthy separations and constant uncertainty was, too.  i will learn to live without him...i have to.  this is not just my choice but his as well.  when you get down to the basics of love, it seems crazy to reject what you love and want and what fate has lead you to, but we all must make the choice to save ourselves.  i am doing just that. 

as i wrote yesterday's post i was thinking how he's at a point at 45 somewhat similar to where i was at 45.  the difference is, i chose myself.  but then, i wasn't in love with anyone outside my marriage.  if i had had love and desire in my heart for anyone other than my husband and couldn't be authentic in my marriage i know i would have left it.  i know myself well enough to know i can't be untrue to myself or a partner.  and this is precisely why i have battled with myself over this relationship.  i wasn't being true to myself and what i wanted or needed in my life or from a relationship.  

i do know that he was as dedicated as he could be under the circumstances, but i was always left feeling i was sacrificing my heart, even my future for a few moments of love and pleasure.  yet i kept on because i so wanted him in every way and i kept hoping he would know my love was what he had been seeking all his life.  i think it was and is and i think he knows that, but it's not my job to try and convince him.

i may never have what i want.  i may have to accept that my life is what it is from this point forward and make the best of it.  the prospect of living without love and intimacy is quite depressing because those things mean more to me than anything, but i promise myself this, i will never get involved with anyone else who simply wants a part time lover, a diversion, a distraction from their unsatisfactory life, a friend with benefits or is married.  i'm fucking worth a whole lot more.  so a big "fuck you" to the men who have taken advantage of the most sacred thing i have to offer; my love and my body, with no good cause but to satisfy their needs.  and a big "fuck me" for being so accommodating and for not realizing i operate from a deeper need and my body and heart are connected. and jason,  you knew that's how it worked even when i didn't, yet you proceeded, knowing damn well i would fall. why did you take me there?  are you that selfish and i'm only beginning to see?  i deserve an answer.