it's 2:30 in the morning as i sit here, not quite ready for sleep because i'm overthinking as usual.
i feel fractured.
as i sit, i bend down and rub my legs. up and down, telling myself i am a goddess and i am worthy of more.
he taught me what it felt like to exchange worship and adoration, to not feel ashamed of my body with him and to make love without inhibitions from a place of pure desire. i want that.
so i cry and amidst the tears i continue to tell myself i deserve more. i deserve someone who actually chooses me and can give himself to me without question.
i know i was something with him and to him. i didn't want to put a halt to what we shared, but we both knew the pain so i offered he and i a way out and he accepted.
there is pain with him and still there is pain without him, knowing the possibility that we may never share again what we have known so intimately.
i think he can live on memories. i can't. at this point in my life, memories are not enough. half truths are not enough. i want the hope of something real, not something that feels real (because it so did) but something to hold onto that's real and true and not just occasional.
i want to be worth more than just an escape from his reality. that has seemed to be my downfall since mark died. i can see how i've provided everything a man could want; the perfect place to come to for comfort, love, sex, sustenance and every accommodation possible. i made it so easy for all of them to escape into my sheltering arms. i made them feel like men. only this time i fell in love. i felt loved. he treated me so beautifully when we were together. he looked at me like no one ever had. i thrived on the conversation, the connection, the entire experience and i grew to truly love the man he was for who he was, not just as a beautiful lover, but who he was as a vulnerable, caring person. i spewed words of praise and adoration that i meant. he was so vital to me and my life that now, despite knowing i deserve more, i am grief stricken for what i feel i've lost but never actually had. even though he has love for me, i think i was more of a good time for him, a balm and fantasy to sooth the pin and lack of his reality. he might argue that point but what else was i? time may tell if i was more or if i wasn't.
i hate where i'm at right now. i feel like i've grieved for 11 years only to grieve again, even though this ending was my fault for being so emotional. i finally got to taste what's been missing all my life and in every relationship i've known. it was like a big fat tease, a cruel joke from the universe. this man embodied everything that attracted me. smart, funny, sensitive, creative, his love of writing, music and his appreciation and desire for all that is feminine, his attention to detail. plus i found him incredibly attractive. our chemistry was incredible, our lovemaking delicious. whether we made love sweetly or fucked passionately, my body responded to him in ways i'd never experienced and likely never will again. it was like we were made for love and sex with each other and my body knew it. and like he said, we fit together perfectly. i still grow weak at the thought of those moments. i was never more present than when we made love. i was his and he was mine and we both took what we wanted, sometimes so tenderly and sweetly, sometimes greedily. and every bit of it was unique to us...heaven on earth. he was my church. he was the altar where i worshipped. i found myself complete when we made love, i became the goddess. and now all of that may be lost forever. how do i live without that now that i have known it so completely? but how can i live with feeling like i'm not enough to warrant his devotion when i gave him all of mine? i let him in and opened myself up completely and allowed him to enter my heart, body and soul. i literally handed it to him.
so here i am, losing sleep and crying again. i feel as if i found my true feminine self with him and only with him. i hope he understands what a gift that was because i feel it could not have happened with anyone else nor ever will again. he got the best of me.
i want to continue to love him and be loved by him and the sad part is, i do love him and believe he loves me. but he doesn't love me or want me enough to really be in my life and he can't be as long as he chooses to live inauthentically, refusing to follow his passion and only using me as an escape and to fulfill his needs and desires. i'm the whole enchilada and worth more than a few bites.
i love him and i miss him and i don't know how to stop. they say fake it until you make it but i never was any good at faking what i don't feel. i value my authenticity. i'm only good at hoping, but when you're given nothing to hope for, decisions have to be made. (he should think of that in his own life) i don't hold out hope for much of anything right now regarding us or my individual future. even if i were to consider another relationship, how does that work when your heart is already taken and breaking. and how would that work in the time of covid anyhow? it doesn't matter because nothing would compare and i have to live with that.
i think he believed he was doing me a favor by giving me something i'd never had before. it wasn't a favor though. he empowered and humbled me all at the same time with all his love and affection but without him i feel neither empowered or humbled. i feel useless and powerless. he did me no favors nor did i. i was always left with uncertainty and am now left with a sense of loss even though he was never really mine to lose.
it's now 4:30. i have been sitting here at my computer this whole time, thinking, writing and crying. i feel as if i have cried for years. maybe my life was strictly meant for sorrow. it feels that way at times, with all the people i have grieved over and those to come. i keep trying every time to choose life and seek happiness. maybe this time i can resolve myself to the idea that it doesn't appear to be in the cards or the stars for me. i sometimes question, was i so bad in a past or alternate life that this is my karma, that the universe is saying, "you will love and lose, love and lose, love and lose"? i don't necessarily believe in karma but it does make one wonder. i guess the pain is equal to the love you feel. this one's a doozy.
a verse from a poem comes to mind, one of my favorites from robert frost:
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