epiphanies and illusions

a few days ago i was thinking back many years to an unusual experience i had.  actually i've had quite a few of those but this is about one in particular.  

in the year 2000 i had left my job working with my husband to take some time off to find myself.  i was 45 years old and had spent all my life raising children and working.  my identity had been so wrapped up in those responsibilities that i really didn't know what i was about or even wanted from the rest of my life.  

that year i did a lot of what i call "soul work".  i needed to find my passion since now i could take the time for myself.  my journey consisted primarily of much self-analysis, focusing on gratitude, meditating daily and getting in touch my spiritual nature.  this lead to expanding my creative side, which was always there but which i had little time to explore.  i've always loved writing so i believe it was only natural that this became my outlet for a better understanding of myself.  this is when the poetry and words flowed through me daily.  i began connecting with my higher self and writing things of a spiritual nature including children's poetry.  mornings would find me seated at my kitchen table writing, often in a bit of a fervor as the words seemed to be coming at me rapidly and easily, almost as if they were being planted in my mind from some higher source.  i often felt as if i were simply transcribing them.  

this was about the same time i began having some unusual things happen, like out of body experiences.  these were scary at first as i would awaken with sleep paralysis, unable to speak or more.  eventually i researched the phenomena and found out how to let go and allow the experience as well as how to bring myself out of one if i became frightened.  after that i continued to have many OBEs, allowing myself to enjoy them and was even eventually able to induce them.  

in the fall of 2000 another unusual thing happened.  it was morning and i was sleeping.  before i even opened my eyes and became aware that i was waking, there were profound and concise words coming into my head from somewhere and i knew they mattered.  i literally stumbled from my bed, not taking time to even put on my glasses, and clumsily ran to the kitchen to gather pen and paper to write the words down lest they be forgotten like a dream that fades after wakefulness.  but they weren't a dream.  it was as if the words themselves had woken me, demanding to be heard. all i know is that they resonated my very own truth and i knew they mattered and were not to be forgotten.  i don't know how to convey the impact those words had...they were my core truth and revealed the foundation of me and my direct connection to spirit.  for years i didn't know how to define god (and still i or none of us really do) so i called that life force GUS (God/Universe/Source).  

so 20 years later this is where things get weird again...

for years i had lost any copies of these words between moves and computer crashes,  and although i remembered the gist of them, i couldn't recall them precisely and as happens, i gave little thought of them and any of what i've shared her.  but out of the blue just a couple of days ago i found myself thinking about all this and wishing i could remember those words or find a copy of them somewhere.  

then last night the thought dawned on me that i should pull the richard bach book, "illusions" off the shelf and give it a read again after so many years.  so i did so, laying it on my desk to open in the morning.  

morning came late as i was up writing into the wee hours and didn't get to bed until after 6 am.  but once i did get up, with coffee in hand i opened the book to reread the first chapter.  i have always remembered and cherished that particular part of the book for it's message about fear making us cling to what's familiar, afraid to let go when in realty letting go maybe rough at first but is easier and more rewarding in the long run than resisting change.  i can only guess that i was subconsciously led to read this book again because of a situation i and someone i love are going through separately yet in a great sense together, both of which have to do with letting go of fear and looking at choices and possible major changes in our lives.  

after reading this brief chapter i noticed a piece of folded paper tucked into the center of the book.  i removed it, unfolded it and was totally surprised to find the words from what i call my epiphany of that morning 20 years ago, in my hand, dated oct. 26th, 2000.  they were as follows,

if i can't love from the depth of my heart, feel with every ounce of my being, believe in the goodness and oneness of it all and the power of love, then i have chosen to be deaf to my inner voice, blind to what i see, and i deny who i really am.  

was it merely coincidence that led me to that book after just thinking about those words a few days prior?  what is coincidence?  what causes it to happen?  all i know is that it's something we recognize but have no explanation for.  is it ourselves attracting what we wish for or need or is it a force outside of us assisting these seemingly remarkable occurrences?  (just in case the latter is true, i thanked that force.)  we can't know but the possibilities leave us wondering why sometimes by "mere coincidence" we get what our heart desires whether it be a relationship, a phone call, or even words on a piece of paper hidden for 20 years.