the word of the day is f u c k

i am spinning, spinning, spinning, trying to figure my life out...what do i want, where do i go?  i feel as if i'm starting over for the nth time.  

what is true?

i want to abandon it all, empty my life of all the bullshit, all the stuff, all the feelings of obligation, responsibility and need and like Chris Farley says, live in a van down by the river.  

i don't belong here...i don't feel as if i belong anywhere.  

the Buddha says to make an island of yourself.  make yourself your refuge.  make truth your island and refuge.  what truth?  

i don't expect to be gloriously happy and content in any situation, but i'd like to be reasonably content.  to love and be loved.  maybe that's asking and wanting too much.

i have some hard choices to make.  i know this.  it's either that or continue on a path of lingering doubt, regretting the choices i didn't make and paths i didn't take.  i don't want to die stagnating in my distance and solitude.  but like everyone else, (i, who preach change) am fearful of making the wrong decisions.  i, who have been challenged again and again and have HAD to make big choices am now afraid?  i can't seem to gain clarity.

oh the things i want that aren't mine to have and may never be.  

i guess what i want is to walk away from myself and my life and create a new me and a new life.  but a bird does not change its feathers just because the weather is bad.