having courage fucked me up

came across this today on my fb timeline from 2 years ago.  having courage seems to have fucked me up.  i followed my heart, i took risks, i pissed people off, i believed in love, blah, blah, blah.    that courage has gotten me two years worth of regret and two years older. i guess i was the only one brave enough to actually put it on the line.   

Have the courage.

Have the courage to try.

Have the courage to be you, who you really are.

Have the courage to piss people off by making choices that align with your heart.

Hell, have the courage to follow your heart.

Have the courage to love.

To hope.

To believe in forever.

Have the courage to leave masks behind.

To say screw make-up and beauty products that convince you you’re flawed.

To be real, messy, fleshy, dirty and absolutely delicious.

Have the courage to dismiss labels and styles and to look beyond appearances to souls.

Have the courage to live a life you love.

Really.

To say no. And really mean it.

To not apologize, justify or even offer to make up for it.

Just No.

Have the courage to leave behind the script for normalcy and not feel guilt because it never felt like it fit.

Have the courage to call out fakeness.

The courage to ask for what you need and to walk away from anyone that can’t offer you just that.

Have the courage to believe in the once in a lifetime kind of love.

Have the courage to have confidence in yourself and dreams.

In your visions and beliefs.

In the life YOU want to live.

Because I promise you there’s no gold medal at the end of all this for following the rules of men.

For being or living how we’re supposed to.

How others think we should.

So have the courage...

The courage to truly live.

Author: Kate Rose

the quest for a spotless mind

i told myself i have been writing too much.  is that a thing?  i think it can be in my case.  but the thoughts...the thoughts are constant in my head.  it's like i have to put them down in type or ink to get them out of my head, to get rid of them even if briefly. 

i need to get over it and on with it just like i've had to do with everything else in my life.  it takes me awhile because i tend to cling to the past.  i guess that's normal with great loss.  i feel great loss.  that itself seems ridiculous this time around because what i lost was never really mine to lose.  it only felt that way.  but i was his. 

i take my phone to the bedroom each night, i turn it down so as not to disturb my sleep.  it's a habit i got into when he would send me songs every morning.  the first thing i would do before getting out of bed was to check my phone for that email.  i put a stop to those emails because i was becoming dependent on them.  but after that i would still check my phone each morning, looking for a text, to see if he'd played the word game we shared or left a message there.  i put a stop to those things as well.  i felt like he gave me no choice.  i didn't want to carry this need or dependency for someone or something that seemed futile.  i was too attached and trying to detach.  i still am.  the point is, i wake up every morning and check my phone, then the sadness overwhelms because he's not there.  

i want these feelings i have for him to recede, to at least let up enough i can wake up without him in the forefront of my thoughts each morning.  i carry him with me every single day and it's killing any hope in me for a normal life, or any kind of life without him.  but i can't have a normal life with him, either, unless he would want that.  so right now i guess i know where i stand.  i can acknowledge that over and over but accepting it is far more difficult.  

so here i am again, writing, trying to come to terms.  how does one accept a life like this, where any semblance of joy seems feels so far out of reach it seems inconceivable?  i feel like i need to fix myself, like there must be something wrong with me.   

i feel like i'm joel in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", wanting it all erased.  but in the end, having had their memories of each other erased, he and clementine had a connection that overpowered even that and they began again.  only for us, the memories won't be erased.  and the odds of beginning again?  well, that's up to him.  it always has been.  

so how do i fix my broken self?  i'm trying to find grace within myself but my mind is a hot mess.  to paraphrase clementine, "too many guys think i'm a concept or i'm gonna make them feel alive [and that i have], but i'm just a fucked up girl lookin' for my own peace of mind..."

  

Steps

 I will stand naked in the rain and let it was away me clean.

I will smoke the sacred medicine daily to ease my burdens until I am well.

I will build crystal grids and work magic and healing.

When the leaves turn crimson I will put on my flannel and boots to walk the woods alone until dusk.

I will summon the courage to get in my car and drive to Missouri to sit on a bluff above the river to help clear my head.

I will find a way to make small, meaningless, mindless tasks more meaningful and mindful.

I will seek grace within myself and remind myself there is light inside me.

I will no longer seek love, justice, integrity or understanding outside myself for I've found this to be a fool's search.

I will not ask, beg or expect anything from anyone. I've found this to lead only to disappointment.

I will not bring anyone or anything into my life that isn't necessary only to fill me up or clutter my space.

I will adopt and integrate the Buddhist concept that all suffering comes from desire, that I may quell my desires and find peace, healing and wholeness.

When the snow flies and the nights are long and cold, I will bury myself under a blanket and in books and learning.

And maybe in Spring I will be a new me rising from the tattered remnants of the old me and I will have learned to love the aloneness and solitude.

Maybe then I will have become someone I can live with.

Sallie Royse Cooper

9-9-2020

it feels sad...

 ...when your self induced orgasm leaves you laying on the bed in tears because it was purely mechanical and so damn empty

25 days

has it only been that long since we were in each others arms?  it seems like a lifetime ago and despite all that's taken place emotionally i still wonder if we'll ever see each other again or if this is really it.  i wonder if you're content with never.  you see, despite my efforts to move on there's a part of me that still clings to a tiny, tiny thread of hope, thinking that someday you'll text me or call me and say you can see me.   

you tell me you are tortured, seeing things and thinking of one person. is that working for you?  it's been 3 weeks and i wonder, have you made any progress at all?  do you still yearn for me like i yearn for you?  do you think you can give me up permanently?  

it's crazy, ya know?  we agree to distance, stop communication, yet here we are, posting on blogs, revealing our feelings.  feelings don't go away.  if our separation is what you choose and how it has to be, then maybe if i'm lucky those feelings of love, desire and hope will fade enough for some kind of peace to be found despite the regret.  i say all this and then i think, am i so blind that i can't see you've already said goodbye?  don't tell me you'll never let me go.  you already have to a great extent.  and if we're never to be together again, you must tell me and then let me go completely, just as i must so we can both move one.

just a silly thing, one i never mentioned.  you may have noticed the wishbone on my kitchen windowsill.  it has been there since last thanksgiving.  i saved it, meaning for the two of us to make a wish on before snapping it in two.  i simply forgot about it every time you were here.  now, every time i stand at the sink doing dishes and looking at it i wonder, will we ever make a wish together?  if you tell me no i will throw it away along with my wishes.        

  

how to measure love

 

Sole Purpose/Soul Purpose

I will strive to take what's left of this life and make some meaning out of nonliving.

I will make it matter if the dishes are done and the floors are swept.

My goals will be simple...daily chores and cooking, looking after dogs.

I will want nothing, expect nothing, give and ask and hope for nothing.

It will matter if the laundry needs folded or hung perfectly in the closet.

I'll make cleaning and organizing my passion so everything looks picture perfect even if no one ever sees it. I may even take up ironing.

I will make the things that don't really matter, matter because they will always be here, they will always need me, they will never fail me. This will be my sole purpose.

When I grow bored I will seek knowledge in the study of philosophy, history and the natural world and I will leave this world having tidied things up, having made myself more knowledgable and far less than love could have made me.

And yet...

If only I knew the promise of love I would open my heart. Life would spring forth from me

like water gushing from a fountain, recirculating, recycling, a never ending flow of love.

Joy would return, petals would open, smiles deep, sensual and warm would be given and worn, the heart sun would beam and my tears would taste like honey...if only I could live my soul purpose.

Anais Nin Quotes

she so often has spoken to my spirit

“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.” 

― Anaïs Nin

“You don't find love, it finds you. It's got a little bit to do with destiny, fate, and what's written in the stars.” 
― Anaïs Nin

“Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.” 
― Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

“In my childhood diary I wrote: “I have decided that it is better not to love anyone, because when you love people, then you have to be separated from them, and that hurts too much.” 
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

“Passion gives me moments of wholeness”― Anaïs Nin

“The body is an instrument which only gives off music when it is used as a body. Always an orchestra, and just as music traverses walls, so sensuality traverses the body and reaches up to ecstasy.” 
― Anais Nin

2 for the price of 1

Closed Until Further Notice

I am tired of all the bullshit and fakery and pretense handed to you from those who are supposed to care.   

Whether it be friends or family or past lovers, I'm sick of loving and caring so deeply then being left to feel I was the only one who really did. I allow people to steal my self worth...no no, I actually hand it over to them, opening my heart, letting myself be vulnerable, oh so vulnerable, making the mistake of believing they have as much love for me as I have for them. I give them everything only to have it be tossed aside in the end.

I'm tired of abandonment, intentional and otherwise. And yet sometimes that is what I wish I could do, abandon it all, every person and every thing and become a rock. Already I'm an island. If this is how the world shows me how I must be, this is how I must become.

I've grown sick of the world and all in it, but yet there's a part of me that wants to embrace it and run wild with it, eat it all up and know what living actually is.

I am growing old. We all are. Our time here is finite. Why can't we stop with all the bullshit and illusion? Why can't we all be honest and real and vulnerable and live with hearts open?

I am hurting, I am saddened, I grieve daily for all that was and all that could have been.

My heart has been open too long in a world that has no place for people like me.

What Good a Heart?

There it is

laying on the ground

hardly recognizable

as a human heart

covered in dirt and splinters

as it is

near colorless now

drained of blood and spirit

no more useful

than a child's ball

toss it back and forth

kick it down the street

until it's torn apart

defiled and deflated

then toss it into the dumpster

where all useless and abandoned things go

and take it away to be buried

among all the other broken, wasted things

aren't we?

we could have been that couple who never fell out of love, doing all those things we thought about and talked about. 

i imagined us taking walks and sitting by the river, sharing books and coffee and kisses or a picnic we had prepared.  you pictured us chopping vegetables while stirring things up in the kitchen.

we didn't get to curl up together on the sofa to share popcorn and a favorite movie or take a drive with no destination in mind only to see what we could find.

there was so much more we could have shared, so many things i wanted to share...more music, art, poetry, books...and more lovemaking, always more lovemaking.

we could have talked about the poets and prophets, movies and theories, people and places.

we could have people watched and made up stories about their lives, and laughed until we cried.

we could have turned ice cream cones into erotic art with our tongues.

we could have turned simple minutes into special memories...

there was so much more to be known.

we could have been that couple who never grew tired of each other... i know this because i know myself and i know you.

we could have been that couple that stays in love forever...

but then my love, aren't we?

 

finite

 from aug, 4th, 2019

days waste away

passing without purpose

lovers loving with limits

denying each other

denying themselves

the freedom to be fully immersed

the end is in sight

yet we think we can wait

and hang on 'til tomorrow

wishing our time away

when there is so little of it left