winter solstice

...Light returns, because it is the nature of Life- of what we are- to cycle through periods of darkness and light. And the gifts of the darkness, those things we bring back from difficult times that allow us to live life more fully in an open-hearted way, are easier to retrieve if we can remember that the light will return. And when that seems like no more than a nice but unlikely idea, it helps to be with others who hold this knowing faithfully in that moment.

Even now, as we explore the longest night and reach for the promise of the return of the light here in the northern hemisphere, our sisters and brothers in the southern half of this planet are celebrating the time of the longest light and the fullness it brings.

And the Wheel turns, and Life continues, and the Sacred Wholeness holds us all.

Oriah House (c) 2013

this is why i'm grateful

i remember hard times, times when there was little to nothing in the house to eat, when keeping warm was a challenge because the snow blew in around the window ledges and we couldn't afford to keep the heat up enough to stay warm.  it was during this time i was without money, a car, a tv or a phone.  i spent my days washing clothes out in the basement by hand and hanging them to dry there as well because i had no money or way to the laundromat.  

i remember a time when i couldn't sleep at night for fear when my husband came home drunk again he would start accusing me of being a whore or would hurt me physically...a time when love meant abuse. 

there we several times when i had to fend for myself and my kids and if not for selling many of my household possessions and the generosity of friends we would have gone hungry and had no place to live.

i am remembering these things tonight not to get caught up in the past with remorse, but to remind myself how very blessed i am today.  

i live in my very own home today, bought and paid for because of my own ingenuity.  i have a dependable little car, paid for.  my car is 11 years old and my home is 110 years old.  both are far from perfect but they are dependable and take care of my basic needs.  i have a washer and dryer so i no longer have to go to the laundromat or wash clothes by hand.  i crawl into a comfy bed each night as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor to keep my back from hurting as i once did.  if i'm cold i can turn the heat up and there is always more than enough food in the house. 

not all of my life was hard times, but the hard times are hard to forget and the very things that makes me feel so appreciative today. i would love to be able to go back and change things for my children, but i have to seek peace knowing i did the best i could at the time and in the situation i was in.  

what i have today hardly compares to what others may have and take for granted.  there have been times i've had more but i don't believe i appreciated the things i had then as much as i what i have now.  i take none of it for granted and consider myself very fortunate and blessed.  i do not have to count on anyone to have my basic needs met.  i struggle sometimes financially, but nothing compared to years past.  i have a steady income each month and health coverage for most things and i don't have to work for it any longer.  

i have what i need and that includes love.  i have a beautiful relationship with a man who's not afraid to show his love for me.  i feel wanted and appreciated but never afraid.  he makes me feel safe and adored and that is priceless.  i have 2 beautiful, smart, kind children who make me proud to be their mom as well as 4 equally smart, kind, beautiful grandchildren and a sweet, happy great grandson who is a joy.  i take none of them for granted.  

thanks to my son i have been able to take two major vacations.  one was a week at myrtle beach, the other a trip to london, something i could never have imagined doing.  and this year i drove myself to missouri to visit a dear friend.  funny how, since i've been on my own i've managed a vacation every year.  so yeah, despite the grief and the struggles life has brought, i feel very grateful, very blessed, and very appreciative for where i am now and all that graces my life.  

 

home (for Jason)

you light the fire of hope and possibility within me.

without realizing it you call me home to myself

home to my soul's calling

home to what i was made for

home to love.

smc

Choose a man who’ll serve your soul

came across this gem...beautiful

Choose a man who’ll serve your soul.

You are awoken in a way that no longer draws an ordinary man.

Wise woman, wild woman, ancient muse of artists and poets, you crave a partner who can discern your siren call.

You’ve been the shadow that’s slipped past him on moonlit walks, when he’s been searching his heart. He’s reached out to grasp you but the time was never right.

Like a wisp of wind, you’ve eluded him on his journey toward enlightenment.

Perhaps he was not ready, perhaps you weren’t either, while you’ve been soaking your bones in mystery and reading sacred texts, he’s also been feeding his mind with poetry and prose.

Perhaps while you’ve been listening to the whispers of forest spirits and leaning against wise old trees, he’s been a step or two behind you, aching for the sound of your steps on the sodden moss.

Wild woman, spiritual seeker, choose a man who will feed your soul.

You have seen him in the cards, he’s illusive but he’s real. He’s a challenge, he’s unafraid to speak his mind. He’s a man who knows his path.

You need a man whose strength is in more than his hands. You need a man whose character makes your heart pound, your body lose control.

He’s the kind of man who will drink your essence but who won’t worship you, because he knows how real you need to be.

He’ll admire your fire, he’ll melt at your touch—he’ll enter your soul through your eyes.

He’ll understand your independence, the many times you’ll leave his side. He’ll follow if you ask him but keep his dreams his own. He’ll tie you down only when you ask it, and then, he’ll do it well.

A man who feeds your soul can feed your body as well.

He admires your solitude, he is turned on by your mind, he lives for your next breath of wisdom—wild woman—you’re everything he’s been looking for.

The books on your shelf, the incense in the air, the card splayed to tell his future, the chanting from your meditation room—all sacred food for him.

Choose a man who understands walks under the heavy, magical moon. One who will take your hand and trod through silently falling snow. One who talks to the stars and for whom the planets turn.

Choose a man whose smile will drop you to your knees.

One whose mouth burns at the back of your neck and the bottom of your spine. One whose love leaves no question about its intentions—he’s knows that you’re the one.

Choose a man who’s not afraid of his sexuality or yours. He’ll crave what you cradle in between your hips, his tongue like honey and his manhood rising to meet your lust. While you croon a love song, while you drift across his lips, he’ll bring you to an ecstasy of ocean waves crashing to the shore.

Give him everything, mystic woman. Pour him some pomegranate wine. Give him a drink of forbidden fantasies, let him know you in your darkest form.

A man who feeds your soul craves you raw. A man who feeds your soul walks with the raven as his guide. He is at home in this world and the one in between, that place where spirits gather and everything is known. Let him feed you with his magic, the words only he can speak, the deep, rich timber of his voice caressing your ears while you lie stretched naked in his arms.

He won’t run. No matter what you reveal. Even if you say that dragons or unicorns or wicked spirits visit your night-time dreams. Even if you utter words that only witches learned. Even if you tell him that once your body burned on a pyre of hatred and fear.

Choose a man who will serve your soul. Who knows that you are the universe, the sea at midnight, the plaintive sound inside a seashell and the whir of hummingbird’s wings at dawn.

He knows that you are solitude. That at times you are a destructive wind. That sometimes you are the frozen tundra and sometimes the heat of a dessert isle. Sometimes he is those things too, and why he gets you and still stays.

So lay down your defences. Put your sword in its safe place, drop that shield. He’s not going to hurt you, and if he does, it will be okay. You’ll understand each others weaknesses. Wild woman, let him in.

Choose a man who’ll serve your soul.

~ Monika Carless ~ 

this man

how can i not love this man

who holds me close

and stares into my eyes

while bringing me to orgasm?

here is a man 

who relishes my satisfaction more than his own 

because my pleasure is his satisfaction.

who could imagine this man

who, despite my age and size

finds my body beautiful

simply because i'm in it,

who worships me as his queen

and sees me as an angel,

and makes such sweet love to the parts of me i loathe?  

how this man became

so passionate, sensual and adoring of me

is a mystery to me,

but i rejoice, i rejoice, i rejoice

and become exquisite and powerful,

more authentic and whole

in the pureness, the beauty,

and the power of his love. 

in the wee hours

i am sitting here awake while most of the world around me sleeps.  i am missing my love.  not in a sad way, but in a longing way.  i know we'll be together soon, but that doesn't mean i don't crave the comfort of his presence now. i want to walk into the bedroom and see him lying there, and slide under the covers to snuggle close to him.  i want to reach my hand to him and feel his warmth and wanting, to feel his breath on my neck...soon that moment will come...soon, but not soon enough.

success

 i found this...something i wrote 9 years ago:

success should be measured in smiles, not by your career, your bank account, the house you own, or the car you drive. success is a condition of the heart and mind that comes from living simply, loving deeply and laughing often.

why i love hard

 

i have learned to never take love or those we love for granted.  i also have learned that life holds little meaning without love.  i love hard and for these very reasons.

love given and received fills a void in me that nothing else can.  i need love, to know it, to feel it and to give it.  i need intimacy, to touch and be touched, to treasure and be treasured.  there is nothing better than the deep, intimate connection that two people in love share and every day i am grateful to have this connection with another.  

 

 

i am angry

It's sat morning and I have a lot to do but I can't even begin until I give voice to my thoughts.

I am sitting at my desk looking at a photo of myself and the three women I love most in life. This, after hearing from one of them about how she was roofied last week and woke 6 hours later to bruises all over her body. It occurs to me that every woman in that photo has been sexually assaulted and physically or emotionally abused otherwise. No wonder I am angry.

I am aware that there are good men and bad men in the world. And some of the bad men we hold in high esteem. Look at the president for example and how many people support him despite his hate mongering and misogyny. So my question becomes, when will we stop turning a blind eye to the victimization of women and the idea that boys will be boys? Every 76 seconds someone in the US is sexually assaulted, most often women under the age of 30. And most often the perpetrator walks away with a slap on the wrist and the victim lives with the trauma and shame for a lifetime.

To get to the root of the problem we have only to look at our patriarchal culture. You know, the one who forced people into slavery, who beat and jailed women who fought for the right to vote, who killed people of color for the same reason. The same culture who seldom credited women for their strides in science and medicine, giving credit instead to their male colleagues. The same culture whose main theology teaches that women are subject to men and that woman was the first sinner. And let us not forget how history has tried its damnedest to bury the ancient goddess culture and make God into a man.

Even in today's world women are still considered less than men. We earn less money even while doing the same job as a man. We fight to be heard and to own the right to decisions regarding our own bodies. We get blamed for being assaulted every fucking day. We wore the wrong clothes, we were in the wrong place or were with the wrong people. All of these things are total bullshit. Did you know that until 1975 every single state had a “marital exemption” that allowed a husband to rape his wife without fear of legal consequence?

As women we have to do things to prevent getting raped. When we walk to our cars we scope out the area and carry our keys between our fingers as a protective measure. We check our backseats before getting into the car and lock our doors if sitting alone. I've asked men if these are things they think about doing and the answer in inevitably no. Being born women should not automatically make us more vulnerable, but it does. Women have to take responsibility for not getting raped rather than men taking responsibility for not raping!

I realize i'm just touching the the tip of the iceberg in regard to the problem. It is way past time for women to rise up strong. But not just women. Men, too, because these women are your sisters, mothers, daughters and partners. Men, you need to speak up and call these other men out and hold them accountable when they start talking trash about women. And women, you need to stop belittling one another and build each other up. If we are ever going to lower the cases of violence and rape against women we need to support one another and STOP blaming the woman. Even if we were in the “wrong” place, with the “wrong” people, wearing the “wrong” clothes or had too much to drink, we are never to blame for being sexually assaulted. NEVER!  

I hope someday that society, which includes church leaders, officers of the law, and judges, start treating sexual assault assailants as the criminals they are. I hope someday that women will not always have to fear for their safety and are seen as truly equal human beings. I hope that the men who truly love us will stand with us and use their voices to speak out.

Statistics say that 1 out of 4 women have been sexually assaulted. I say the number is higher just by virtue of the women I know who have been and have never reported it because of the repercussions of blame and shame. As I look at the picture of myself and these 3 women I love, 3 out of 4 never reported their assault for those very reasons. And the one that did? Her assailant spent a weekend in jail and got a slap on the wrist.

I leave you with this thought; look at the women around you and despite what statistics say, consider that probably 50-80 percent of them have been the victim of abuse or sexual assault. And when you do, remember, we are not to blame. Then I hope you get angry, too.

Anaïs Nin

 

3 things matter

find something beautiful

 

magic

i never knew how it felt to be loved 

by a man who truly loved and loved hard.

you're not afraid of my insecurities and doubts,

my vulnerability or my passion.

sometimes i question how you can love all of me

and yet you do, exquisitely.

you look at me as if i were made of magic

not realizing that you are the magic.

(s.cooper)

this i believe

i believe your intentions are true enough

to allow me to open my arms completely

and your hands are gentle

 yet strong enough

to hold the weight of my heart.

💙

10-7-20

coming home

there comes a time 

when we stop fighting to fix

what is not ours to mend

and instead fight for ourselves.

there comes a time 

when we must let go 

and allow everyone to be 

whomever and however they are.

there comes a time 

when we must choose ourselves

and realize we are not broken

we are simply neglected and hurting,

there comes is a time

when we stop trying to be better

for everyone else

and begin being better for ourselves.

there comes a time when the need

for authenticity, simplicity, and truth 

outweigh the need to bow 

to the expectations of others.

there comes a time when we recognize

that our own needs are legitimate,

so we choose to stop hurting others

and we choose to stop hurting ourselves.

there comes a time we understand

that we must confront our fear,

risking all that we've known

and face any consequences that may come.

when this time comes we stand,

facing the unknown to take our first steps 

on the only journey that matters

as we begin walking ourselves home.

for and inspired by Jason 💗

awakened

 

now there's no need to try and put it to rest

the purpose of life

 

strong enough

 

blah blah blah again

 i want to matter but everything around me says i don't so i'm trying to matter to myself.  

i have a handful of friends, none close anymore, my kids and my fur kids, none of which make me feel wanted, none of which can give me any sense of purpose or belonging.

i want to care about something bigger than me.  i guess i do and that's what's so hard.  i have no business caring about what i actually do care about.  

i try to step back and tell myself, "these are just feelings".  i try to replace one thought with a totally benign thought.  

i try to observe my thoughts and feelings rather than succumb to them.  it works for a minute, maybe a day or two, then i'm right back here, wanting, wishing, wallowing.  

somedays i hate my life and i hate myself for what i've become, for what i think i've always been.  

i want to be enough, for myself, for somebody, but i'm not feeling it.  

i can't live like this.  this isn't living.  this feels like a slow death.  

sometimes i think, "why not just get it over with", but there's that minuscule, dim hope that maybe somehow something might change.  

this love affair has done me in, lifted me then destroyed me.  without realizing it, i was looking for something to make me thrive and feel alive.  what a fool i've been.  life would be so much easier had i never known what it felt like to be wanted, to be held, to feel adored, loved and to be able to express all i had inside.  was it worth this pain?  no no no, a thousand times no.   

fuck you, fuck me, fuck my life again and again and again. 

no one wants to hear this shit.  not even me.  yet hear i am, crying, screaming, beating my fists and kicking my feet, spilling my guts, spewing pointless words and not a god damn thing changes.  so i do the dishes, care for the dogs, take a shower and play a part, pretending like any of it matters when none of it really does.  they are just motions that get me from one day into the next, without purpose, without intention with a shred of hope that they will get me to a point where something actually does matter.

isn't life supposed to be precious, have some meaning?  

i watch my daughter dying, dedicated to making the best of what's left of her life.  what strength!  i wish i could give her mine, trade it, give her more time.  more time to be with the man she loves, more time to live big and passionately like she knows how to...she would know what to do with it because i certainly don't.  maybe i never did.   

i want to find meaning and passion, but i know where i find those things.  i find those things in the one i love, the one i share intimate moments with.  i find those things in showering love and affection on the one i love.  i find those things in being loved and cherished by the one i love and cherish.  don't we all?  am i so unusual?  am i so foolish to want what i have known?  maybe i am.  maybe you only get so much in one lifetime...but i don't necessarily believe it has to be that way.  but then i think, i'm old, maybe i should just give up.  and maybe i should, but it's easier said than done.  you don't stop loving someone just because you should.  you don't stop wanting these things or loving someone just because you should.  if that were the case i certainly would.  

 

this ain't no poker game

you hold onto her while holding onto me while i am torn between holding on and letting go.

why, if you love someone and they love you, do you have to work so hard to hold on and make it work?

that question isn't about us.

seems to me you're treading water, trying to grab hold of an imaginary shore. 

maybe it was real at one time, maybe it's not anymore.

are you trying to recreate the past or just too afraid to jump forward?

and me?  where do i come in?  as a backup plan?

like you said, you're subconsciously looking forward to being with me, so where is your heart?

are you getting what you want?  

don't you wonder if you're living in an illusion?

do you think you can forfeit passion for morality and be satisfied?

can you quell those feelings you hold for me, pretend you don't feel them. pretend that you love her and want a life with her while fantasizing about us?

do you even know what you want?  if so, please say it.  SAY IT!  i can take it! 

deny the truth all you want, but you have a choice to make.  you can't have us both so it's time to let one of us go.  you can never be fully present with her as long as you're thinking of me.  

do you want me while living with her?  if so, where is your love for her?  

do you feel guilty when you're with me?  if not, then where is the love for her?  

yes, you can hold love for both of us, but what do you want?  who do you want?  

you have to know that you will never have with her what you have with me.  it doesn't work that way.  if you're willing to settle, then settle and let me go.  

how long will you hold on, believing you're working toward a happier outcome?  

can you change who you are and what you want?  if so, more power to you.  if not, can you cash it in?  can you cash us in?  

you're playing a game of chance, hoping for the payout.  like kenny rogers sang, "you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to talk away, know when to run".    if you can't, you better remove yourself from the game.  

i'm not your ace up the sleeve.

 

trying

 

some days i do well

some days i do well some of the day and not so well some of the day.

some days i don't do well at all.

today was one of those days when i felt strong and sure of myself.  then the night closed in on me and now all i feel is sad.

sad because i miss him.  sad because everything seems so pointless at times and you wonder why you're even alive.  sad because i crave his company and the intimacy we shared.  i don't want to live without it and without feeling that love and giving love.  

i want to cry and let it out but it all seems to be caught in my throat.

he says i'm luckier than i know.  how am i lucky?  because i'm trying to get my shit together?  i don't have it together just yet.  i'm simply trying to continue and accept whatever comes and whatever follows.  i don't feel lucky.  i'm in fucking survival mode.  i'm eating too much, not sleeping enough (even though sleeping is all i feel like doing) and pretending i'm ok even when i'm not because i'm tired of the shit i've been going through.  i'm tired of loss and i'm tired of myself and this pathetic excuse for a life.  and i'm tired of wanting more.  

yeah, i'm making plans here and there to do things but i'm not excited about any of them.  in fact i'm apathetic about life in general.  i am forcing myself to be a little proactive, literally forcing myself. i feel if i don't i will simply sit here in this house and succumb to an even more reclusive life.  

i seldom leave except to get a few things at the store or buy cigarettes.  it is thursday already and i have left twice this week, only to drop my dogs off and pick them back up from their grooming appointment a couple of hours later.

i will leave the house again on friday to see my therapist and from there come back home.  maybe i'll feel good enough to stop at hermann woods on my way home and take a walk if i think my foot can handle it.

everything is a maybe. 

this life don't seem

much like livin'

when there ain't 

no place for givin'

all of my love

all of my love

all of my love

i'm gainin' weight

and losin' sleep

we never should've 

gone so deep

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

thoughts like razors

cut my mind

until it bleeds

until i'm blind

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

i'm still here

but none can see

that's it's not really

all of me

because of this love

all of this love

all of this love

the darkness comes

it permeates

while i wonder

while i wait

for all of his love

all of his love

all of his love

-smrc

    

Here's Where You Belong ...

You can change the mask you wear
But not the way you feel inside
Bury your head into the sands
But that won't let you hide
Your mind it is a battleground
Your brain's a raging storm

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

The sins of childhood cannot be erased
Like a paper tattoo
But, babe, don't let that drag you down
Like they're expecting it to do
Yesterday's failure is today's success
The path can be easily shown

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Ah, Mister Grown Man
Question mark held in your hand
Tell me, what will it take you
To make you understand?


Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
And here's where you belong

fall equinox

 

you gave me the sex that i always wanted

words that ring so damn true if i were so eloquent i would have written them myself... from "you gave me the sex that i always wanted" by Sophie Gregoire. 

I had always been looking for somebody who would be both primal and sensitive, connected to his heart and strong. Deeply present, loving, nurturing, and soft—and wild too. Sexual. In his power. 

That was you.

I have thought and talked a lot about sacred sex in time, but as an idea—because I didn’t know, until I found you. 

Before you, the men of my life may have had technique—but they lacked presence. 

Some can miss the key point, which is: doing the love making with us, deeply connected to us—in response to our opening, to our love.

...I realize that the reason our sexual life is so beautiful to me, is because you gave me the love that I longed for. 

It is because of the trust that we built together that my body agreed to let you lead. 

It is because you were always present, consistent, reliable, and sure, that you didn’t meet any resistance within my body, within my soul.

It is because your masculinity was fully there, embodied, unwavering—that my body opened so much, so softly.

It is because you knew how to hold space, accept, and receive all of me, without the need to change, fix, edit, or transform, that I felt safe enough to fall in love with you entirely—body, heart, and sex.

It is because I trusted your heart that I surrendered fully to you.

You lead, but you command only with respect—riding my own waves, like a sacred art of two.

Some men open your body, your love—but they end up feeling like a spell for your soul. You can regret later on, the openness and the trust that you showed.

This never happened with you. I never regretted being yours.

Because you never disconnected from us...And you never made love without love.

You never penetrated your woman without feeling her, loving her.

...sex is an art that climaxes when love is mastered.

Sex is the culmination of love, perhaps. Its fully embodied expression in the flesh.

The physical zenith of two connected hearts.

permission granted

wow, i love this.  how synchronistic it should show up just now.

You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t find yourself in. You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t love yourself in.

You’re allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your light instead of making you shine brighter, you’re allowed to pack all your bags and start over somewhere else and you’re allowed to redefine the meaning of your life.

You’re allowed to quit the job you hate even if the world tells you not to and you’re allowed to search for something that makes you look forward to tomorrow and to the rest of your life.

You’re allowed to leave someone you love if they’re treating you poorly, you’re allowed to put yourself first if you’re settling and you’re allowed to walk away when you’ve tried over and over again but nothing has changed.

You’re allowed to let toxic friends go, you’re allowed to surround yourself with love, and people who encourage and nurture you. You’re allowed to pick the kind of energy you need in your life.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.

You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.

We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.

You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.

You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.

Author: Rania Naim

now

eleven years ago i was preparing to start my life over, sorting, eliminating, packing, finding homes for my animals.  i was beginning a new and bittersweet adventure.  i made visits to two of my older sister, one of whom i never saw again.  both have since passed away.  i was spending time with loved ones before i left.  i was giving up everything that signified home to me to start a new life in a new place with the man i loved.  the timing wasn't great, but i knew who i wanted to be with and i made the best possible decision i could make for myself at the time. 

at the end of september 2009 my car was packed, my goodbyes were spoken and i hit the highway.  during my drive to my destination i had time to think about the past and i cried a lot because life seemed so bittersweet.  but i didn't let the naysayers stop me.  i knew what i had to do and that this wasn't about them, it was about me.  i had to be strong, determined and do what mattered most to me.  this was not out of selfishness as some chose to believe.  the journey i was taking, both literally and philosophically speaking, was about my own survival and securing my needs.

often i've heard myself say i regretted moving into a new life so quickly, not giving myself more time, but the truth us, i could have done so.  but it was harder to stay than to go.  so i went.  looking back in recent days i now forfeit the idea of that regret.  i put myself exactly where i belonged and where i needed to be at the time.  without that experience i would have never learned what i was capable of then and now.  if i had never seized the opportunity to be loved and to love again, i would be a different person now.  and because of it, i am a different person now.  

now i am a single, independent woman.  i have lived that way for the past three and a half years.  it hasn't been easy, but somehow i always saw this and yearned for it over the years.  it's not all it's cracked up to be at times but it's not bad.  i actually rather like my freedom.  i just happen to get caught up in missing the love and intimate connection two people can share.  that said, i have followed that desire more than once, only to end up feeling the worse for wear.  do i still want this?  absolutely!  but i want it to be real, not a "i'll see you when i can" relationship.  i want it to matter.  i want it and me to matter enough.  i want to be chosen and, as archaic as it may sound, i want to be claimed.  if i can't have that, then it's not worth it, no matter how deeply i care for another.  i have to live my life by my standards.  it's not that i'm not flexible, but i can no longer sacrifice myself for a fraction of what i truly want.  that is the clarity the last few years have given me. 

i am at a place where i will accept and live my life now, even if it's not exactly how i wish it would be.  i will not beg for love or attention or accept less than i or anyone deserves.  i have learned in the past two years what great love and desire feel like.  i have experienced how much i am capable of giving and receiving.  i have learned this is the love i want in my life, but if it's not mine to have then i will take this life i've created for myself and make the best of things without it.  

i am done trying to convince anyone of my worth in their life or to earn a place in it.

i am no longer waiting for the time to be right.  the time is always now.  

i am no longer clenching my hands or my heart.  i am letting go of the things i have no control over.

i am no longer waiting for someone to complete me.  i am complete as i am.

i am no longer waiting for understanding.  i understand myself.

i am no longer waiting for forgiveness.  i forgive myself.

i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i believe it already has and i am surviving and i will continue to survive.  (my record so far is 100% despite the odds)

it's just like me

 

true story

 

untitled

no one person

no one place

no one thing

can take my darkness away.

i know this now

my mind plays tricks on me

my heart shatters

my tears stream

and it is because of me.

i have caused myself to be undone.

i just ask that if you love me

you love all of me,

the dark and the light

my light exists 

because of my darkness.

if you see beauty in me 

it is because of my brokenness.

if you see wisdom in me

it is because of my foolhardiness.

if you see strength in me

it is due to my tenderness.

no, i do not expect you to mend me

nor will i ask you to save me.

my only request is that you love me

and perhaps someday hold me again.

smrc 9-18-20

just for today

just for today

i will let go of any hurt, anger or confusion.

i will not cast blame 

or seek to change anything or anyone

but instead accept my life 

as if i've deliberately chosen every experience

to be where i am in this moment.

i will not seek peace but instead

i will be peace.

i will see beyond the illusion of brokenness

and trust that i am whole and complete

just as i am

without the need for another's love

because i am love.

i will let go of all my judgements

towards myself and others

forgive my transgressors

but more importantly forgive myself.

just for today

i will give myself grace.   

smrc

9-18-20

in the morning

 

where magic happens

 

thoughts after the storm

the process of letting go is obviously hard for me, but i feel better after having ranted in prose last night.  i remember back in the day people practiced primal scream therapy.  maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.  we have all these pent up emotions and the need to express them.  

when i lived in the country, away from neighbors with just the woods and fields around, i could go outside and scream if the need to do so presented itself.  we all have that need to release what we're feeling but we think we have to act so damn civilized...and we do.  it's that or end up in the psyche ward because someone called the police on us, right?  after coop died i remember walking the road and the corn rows in the middle of the night, soul searching, talking to the "is", trying to find my way in unfamiliar emotional territory.  the freedom of space and the cover of darkness and solitude helped to give me clarity at that time.  

i don't want these feelings.  and all the "think positive" bullshit is just that, bullshit.  so, i'm just trying to figure it all out, process, not so much hide or repress my feelings, but become the observer of them.  i told my therapist i needed to understand myself, why i am how i am and how i can find peace with myself and my life as it is because it actually is what it is. 

i don't want to push people away but i think that's what i do.  i don't want to be a victim to love, but that's what i've become.  so, i think the best thing for me right now is to be alone.  and if i am literally alone now or for the rest of my life, be accepting of that.  and by alone i don't mean living alone, i mean being without the sacredness of an intimate relationship as well as distant from others.  maybe 2020 is just a practice run to help me get it right.  i really like the freedom of living alone, doing as i please even if that entails nothing.  i can eat, sleep, watch tv, read, cook, create, come and go and everything else, as i please.  no schedule and no obligation with the exception of the dogs.  that doesn't mean i don't want an intimate, meaningful relationship or to feel like i matter most to someone.    

it's ironic that i have always felt alone even when surrounded by people and in a relationship.  well, until i met someone truly compatible, someone i felt really got it and got me...which would explain why this feels so difficult right now.  he says he wants to "be there" for me.  trouble is, he really can't be.  given the circumstances that's pretty impossible.  can i call him?  no.  can i see him?  no.  can we be together when we want?  no.  can he truly be there for each other?  no.  there is no freedom or "being there" in the way things are.   there has only been fleeting moments that have left us wanting more.   i don't think wanting these things is wanting too much.  it's not.  we all want that.  sooooo, back to my previous words, i need to accept my life how it is because things may never change.  i need to to cut the cord that tethers me to him and to hope, because that is why i struggle with my own worth and why i struggle on a daily basis.  i am tired of time and my life slipping by and to quote leonard cohen, "waiting for the miracle to come".

countdown

my silent screams.

the things i don't say.

can you hear them?

i say too much.

i don't say enough.

discontentment will always exist

until we choose something...

choose SOMETHING

to make this end!

i'm trying to choose me.

i'm FUCKING trying!

but this endless loop of my heart's desire

keeps overriding my good sense. 

fuck me 

fuck my life

fuck this shit.

tonight i am angry at both of us.

i'm angry over indecision...

your indecision

my indecision

my fucking need for you

your mixed messages

for what we created

for what this is!

i am pull my hair out angry

i am spitting nails angry

i am clenched teeth angry

i am pound my fists angry

and it won't stop the hurting or the wanting.

i am tired of life

tired of loss

tired of endless days of pretending i'm ok when i'm not.

tired of anticipating 

exhausted by thoughts and hopes and disappointment

but i keep hanging on

hoping every day i will feel differently

that i will feel better.

sometimes i do for a moment    an hour.

it never lasts.  

i keep recycling it, all of it...

things spoken, things experienced, 

things felt, things learned.  

i feel too much of EVERYTHING! 

can you feel it?

the anxiousness and anticipation?

all the emotions and thoughts exploding

like a 4th of july celebration?

only it's not pretty fireworks.

it's a fucking time bomb.

boom!