this is why i'm grateful

i remember hard times, times when there was little to nothing in the house to eat, when keeping warm was a challenge because the snow blew in around the window ledges and we couldn't afford to keep the heat up enough to stay warm.  it was during this time i was without money, a car, a tv or a phone.  i spent my days washing clothes out in the basement by hand and hanging them to dry there as well because i had no money or way to the laundromat.  

i remember a time when i couldn't sleep at night for fear when my husband came home drunk again he would start accusing me of being a whore or would hurt me physically...a time when love meant abuse. 

there we several times when i had to fend for myself and my kids and if not for selling many of my household possessions and the generosity of friends we would have gone hungry and had no place to live.

i am remembering these things tonight not to get caught up in the past with remorse, but to remind myself how very blessed i am today.  

i live in my very own home today, bought and paid for because of my own ingenuity.  i have a dependable little car, paid for.  my car is 11 years old and my home is 110 years old.  both are far from perfect but they are dependable and take care of my basic needs.  i have a washer and dryer so i no longer have to go to the laundromat or wash clothes by hand.  i crawl into a comfy bed each night as opposed to sleeping on a mattress on the floor to keep my back from hurting as i once did.  if i'm cold i can turn the heat up and there is always more than enough food in the house. 

not all of my life was hard times, but the hard times are hard to forget and the very things that makes me feel so appreciative today. i would love to be able to go back and change things for my children, but i have to seek peace knowing i did the best i could at the time and in the situation i was in.  

what i have today hardly compares to what others may have and take for granted.  there have been times i've had more but i don't believe i appreciated the things i had then as much as i what i have now.  i take none of it for granted and consider myself very fortunate and blessed.  i do not have to count on anyone to have my basic needs met.  i struggle sometimes financially, but nothing compared to years past.  i have a steady income each month and health coverage for most things and i don't have to work for it any longer.  

i have what i need and that includes love.  i have a beautiful relationship with a man who's not afraid to show his love for me.  i feel wanted and appreciated but never afraid.  he makes me feel safe and adored and that is priceless.  i have 2 beautiful, smart, kind children who make me proud to be their mom as well as 4 equally smart, kind, beautiful grandchildren and a sweet, happy great grandson who is a joy.  i take none of them for granted.  

thanks to my son i have been able to take two major vacations.  one was a week at myrtle beach, the other a trip to london, something i could never have imagined doing.  and this year i drove myself to missouri to visit a dear friend.  funny how, since i've been on my own i've managed a vacation every year.  so yeah, despite the grief and the struggles life has brought, i feel very grateful, very blessed, and very appreciative for where i am now and all that graces my life.