change

nothing is going to change unless i make it so

Wishes

Someone wishes to kiss you

hold you

and make tea for you.

Someone wishes to sit with you

listening to your stories

until night becomes morning.

Someone wishes to lay with you

under the stars

on a midsummer's night.

Someone wishes to wake

early in the morning

just to make love with you.

Someone wishes to believe

in the possibilities

of loving you.

12-25-2019

the struggle

the invitation

one of my favorites:

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming
from the book The Invitation

she is woman

she is made of earth and sky

and though she may appear weak at times

one should never mistake her softness for weakness

she has been forged in fire

beaten and molded by the harshness of life

yet she has not lost her softness

instead 

those very things which have broken her heart 

and damaged her

have laid her wipe open

to a depth of love and compassion

she could not have known otherwise

though she has scars

she is not broken

she has grown from a girl

into a woman who knows herself

and revels in her feminine nature

no, do not mistake her softness

her kindness, her compassion

or her vulnerability for weakness

her nature is dualistic

she is grounded to the earth 

yet cycles with the moon

bleeding without injury

she is magic

she is the life giver

the nurturer

the maiden

the mother

the wise crone

no, do not take her lightly

she is stronger than you know

(c)s.cooper

12-19-19

fear

all day long my thoughts have leaned heavily towards all that i fear. fear of never feeling happy or fulfilled.  fear of never feeling good enough to be loved enough.  fear of losing my daughter to a horrible disease.  fear of moving out of my comfort zone. fear over my health, both mental and physical.  fear that life will not be so gracious to grant me the joy i crave and seek. 

so i pray to a higher power, acknowledging that i don't know exactly what that is.  is it my higher self?  is it god?  is it angels or spirit guides?  is it those who've passed on who are listening?  or is it no one but me?  either way i pray and i speak and with that comes a greater understanding of myself and what is going on with me.  and for awhile i find a bit of peace. 

i want to love my life and live it more fully.  i want to experience the love i feel, not just keep it bottled inside or get to the point of apathy.  i don't want to waste my days, yet i am.  and we are only given so many.  still, i cannot seem to find that which is lacking.  i cannot find how to be and be present in each day.  no, i am constantly projecting into the future and all the what ifs and possibilities and what feels like impossibilities.  i am creating a movie in my mind that is simply that, a movie, not a reality. i need to stop. 

i need to figure out how to be happy, or at least content, not from some external source but from within.  is that even possible?  have others really done that?  it seems like such a myth to me at times.  i realize that "happy" is a temporary state and that the best we can hope for is acceptance and contentment.  i'll take that with the occasional happy thrown in, please and thank you. 

they say the opposite of fear is love.  i believe that because it is when i am feeling the least loved or lovable that fear always creeps in.  i believe love does conquer fear and we are all looking for someone to love us into happy.  whether it be our self or someone else i'm not sure it matters.  i also believe that it is very often through the active love of others that we learn to love ourselves. 

those are simply my thoughts on this december night...actually morning.  i have exhausted myself with thinking the past 19 hours.  it's time for sleep now with hopes that tomorrow will result in less thought and more action.   

at 45

at 45

you have been witness to 

16,447 sunsets.

when will you be done

with playing small

when there is so much love

and so many more sunsets

awaiting you?

12/13/2009

like winter solstice

some days

if i listen to my heart

i want to be kind to myself,

to not get lost in the maze of confusion,

to do what's best and right for me.

to put the past behind me

and live more fully now.

i'm trying

but my mind is always fearful

of all the what ifs,

concerned with the future

and how that looks.

i want to step outside this fear,

to experience and trust

each moment as t comes.

i want to be free.

i want to follow my heart

and stop worrying and wondering

what all or any of it means,

to stop limiting myself,

to step out of this quagmire of confusion

and walk on solid ground,

but nothing is ever certain, is it?

no, nothing is ever certain.

there are no promises,

no guarantees,

no tomorrows,

there is only now.

i should know this well by now.

it seems the only time

i feel present, 

the only time i am truly in my heart space,

the only time i am truly happy

is when i love

and know i'm loved

 in the presence of the one i love.

without love

i am lost.

this is what my heart tells me,

what my heart cries out for;

to love and be loved.

when i ask my heart,

what do i want?

what is the purpose of it all?

what makes me feel alive?

what completes me?

it answers,

"love, only love".

12/3/2019

Growing Up a Female Baby Boomer - a Brief Account

my recent essay on Elephant Journal can be found here

I Know What I Want...

and until then I will remain alone.

You see,

I want a man who will fight to keep me-

a golden hearted prince

who recognizes the truth-

that he can't picture his life without me.

A man who will love my darkness

as much as my light,

who doesn't expect perfection

any more than I do,

but will love me simply because I'm me.

I want a man who will understand

how great a gift my love is

and how I compliment his life.

I want a man I can love and nourish,

who wants to learn and explore

every aspect of each other

and grow our relationship,

a man who will be strong enough

to stand in awe of my femininity and strength

and gentle enough to cherish

the vulnerable child in me.

I don't want just any man.

No, I want a man who gives me

reasons to smile, makes me laugh,

and dives into the depths

of passion and pleasure with me.

That man will understand

the gift of my love and choose me

because.that man will realize 

I am the end of his search for completeness

and he is the end of mine.

Until then I will remain alone.

(c)s.cooper

11-29-2019

this

Sad Lisa

She finds herself dwelling with the darkness

more so as days pass

and life grows shorter.

And she finds it to be true

that if you dwell somewhere

long enough

it becomes comfortable...

it becomes home.

She is aware it might be

beneficial

to try and save herself,

to somehow lift herself

up and out

of this mental mire,

but her arms have grown weak

and her heart weary.

She's told one has to save oneself,

but she's not so sure that's true.

If arms reached out

she might, too.

(c)s.cooper

11-24-2019

dark moon

no title

how sad that i count the passage of time

by each monday i take the garbage to the curb.

s.cooper

11-23-2019

a very good place

this is my space, the place i most frequently find myself returning to.

this is where i park it first thing in the morning and last at night, where I ponder life, love, my past, present and future.  it's where i most frequently spill my guts, sometimes on the keyboard, sometimes into the air.  this is the place where i communicate with both the living and the dead. 

often it's where i find myself eating my meals, drinking my coffee and smoking too much, where i like getting high and laughing ridiculously over some crazy shit i've read.  this is also the place where i cry the most.  not in bed, not in the shower, not in my easy chair, but here. this is where my feelings get processed, where the mourning takes place and any healing to be found occurs. 

here is where i am surrounded by music and books, memories and hopes and endless questions.  this is where i'm able to kick back, prop up my feet and let my mind wander and wonder for better or worse. 

this is where i find grace and strength and the courage to keep going when i'd rather not, where i gather my thoughts, find my voice and unearth my authentic self.

11-16-2019

  

thursday thoughts - need, desire, happiness

the first words out of my mouth this morning were, "i'm really sick of myself". 

sick of...

not being willing to completely accept my life as it is, living on hope of a future that may never exist, thinking that life has more to offer me at this point,  thinking i can be loved the way i want to be and love to the extent i want...thinking, thinking, thinking and realizing how unfair it would be of me to expect anything from anyone. 

life has shown me time and again that i'm on my own.  maybe i'm meant to be.  seems reasonable since every time it gives me one life, it's taken it away and i am forced to start over again.  that's no to say i haven't grown from those experiences, but...

i'm so very tired of the tears that still come all too often.  life has taught me a lot of things, broken me open, made me appreciate, feel and love more easily and deeply because i've experienced how fleeting the moments are and how quickly everything can change.  it has caused me to be be fearful as well. 

so what am i afraid of?  i'm afraid that this is all there is and all that's left and it won't get any better.  i'm afraid i'll never be loved again like i want to be loved, that i got my share and that's all i get.  i'm afraid this is my life from here on out.  and i'm afraid i'll never move past this need to matter more or this desire to want more.

so many see this strong, capable woman when they look at me.  i sometimes think they see a woman who doesn't need anything or anyone, someone that can manage quite well on her own.  i'm kind of that woman because i've had to be.  i can manage, i am strong and i have to be.  but do they see the scared and scarred creature inside me who feels lost and empty at times, the someone who needs love and reassurance and the strength of another when she feels weak?  do they see how i crave intimacy and arms to hold me and someone i can love and nurture?

i don't suppose it matters what anyone sees or even what i need.  really, does it matter?  this is life, this is my life and maybe i just have to accept it for what it is. i mean, what choice do i have?  i have tried to make it more, to find fulfillment in myself.  i have filled my days with busyness, i have learned to enjoy the freedom i have.  i'm not averse to solitude, i need it, but that does not take away from the fact that we all need more, that as humans we crave companionship and intimacy.  we are hard wired for it as a way to ensure our continued existence on the planet. we are always seeking intimate fulfillment with another whether we care to admit it or not. 

i guess the irony of it all is that i want and need what everyone on the planet wants and needs.  there is a deep seated need in me to feel complete, and without love, without my intimate companion, i feel incomplete.  that is the gist of it.  i feel incomplete.  maybe i always will and maybe i'll always struggle with that. 

---------------

as i sit here in a (now) less emotional state, contemplating what i've written and whether i should post it or not, my thoughts continue...what do i want?  i mean in detail, what the fuck do i want? 

i want to be and feel loved and adored.  i'm lucky enough to know what that feels like and i don't want to live without it. 

i want to give love and adoration.  it seems to be an essential need in me.

i want joyful moments.  as many as i can get.  i understand that happiness and joy are not perpetual. they come and go and the best one can hope for is contentment.  i'm ok with that, but to have joyful moments shared with someone you love...priceless.

i want incredible sex (as often as i want).  i don't want mediocre.  if it's not with a caring, sensual, passionate lover who wants to please and experience the best, who brings out the best in me, what's the point?

i want to know someone has my back because i'll have theirs.

i want a relationship in which all of these things exist and are nurtured.  And i want these things because to me they are the things in life that give it meaning.  

after his journey into the wild Christopher McCandless discovered that, "Happiness is only real when shared".  i have always remembered that quote because it resonates truth in me.  we can have all manner of things happen in our lives, wonderful things, accomplishments, but if we have no one to share that joy or adventure or happiness with, what meaning does it really have?  does it even matter?

11-14-2019

words of wisdom

us

when i'm with you

your arms are always open

and your lips are always ready to meet mine.

i never have to beg for attention

when i'm with you

it's safe to be me however I show up

i've put you through the test more than once

and yet you hold space for me and never run

sometimes

i'm convinced that you love me

so i cling to the hope of tomorrows

less empty of you

other times

my mind taunts my heart

telling me i'm just a gap filler

to let you experience what is lacking

do i ease the pain of your reality

so you can continue to exist in it

without having to face it

without having to choose what you want?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

sometimes I cry

because my heart is overflowing

with love and appreciation

for all you give

but sometimes I cry

because the pain of never being sure

of who or what I am to you

is too much to hold in

sometimes i wish

i had never allowed myself

to be vulnerable enough, hungry enough

to kiss your lips or submit to your touch

sometimes i wish

you were still a ghost to me

someone i'd never met

so i would never know 

what us feels like

(c)s.cooper

11-6-2019

letter to self

Dear Self,

I think you are brave even when you don't feel as if you are. You get up every day and do what has to be done. And even though you often think you're a failure that's not true at all. I've seen your determination and strength when faced with adversity, when life has knocked you for a loop. You always stand up and fight, not just for survival, but for the best possible outcome for yourself. Truth is, you've been a warrior countless times. You know why you have that phoenix tattoo, right? It's because you rise up out of the ashes every time life tries to destroy you. Yeah that's right, you're a fucking warrior goddess.

You're smart enough to ask for help when you need it but more times than not you take care of what needs taken care of on your own. Why? Because you have a need to prove to yourself you can. And by god you do.

You've cared for your drug addicted mother and tolerated an alcoholic husband's physical and emotional abuse and then helped him to get sober. When he died you chose to go on living and allowed yourself to fall in love. You've suffered through repeated bouts of depression since you were a teenager, but finally learned to accept that part of yourself and understand that when it comes it doesn't last forever. I've witnessed you weather rejection from family members for making choices that were best for you at the time. And in the end you were able to forgive and move forward, harboring no ill will.

And now you've stood on your own for over two years, making a life and starting over one more time after suffering the most devastating loss you've known. If that ain't bad ass I don't know what is. And how did you make it through? By healing yourself and your grief through writing because you knew that was a way to process your hopelessness, anger and pain. Smart, very smart. You're not just a warrior or a bad ass, you my dear are a fucking rock star. And you should feel like one, at least every now and then.

I could tell you so much more, like how you raised two extraordinary kids, but you won't ever take credit for that even though you raised them on your own for the most part.

And there's this; you've been a rock for most of the people in your life. It's just what you do because you have strength and compassion. It's not in you to be any other way.

I've watched you fight for justice and stand up for the defenseless. I've seen you get involved in social, environmental and political causes because you believe life should be fair and everyone really is equal, that the planet is our responsibility, and that it's everyone's personal responsibility, especially those in positions of power who are supposed to represent us, to help create positive change in the world. You stand up fearlessly for what is right and fair.

So girl, when you get into that self doubting mood, when you start to feel you're insignificant, or a failure, or worthless, or unlovable, I hope you'll come back to this letter as a reminder of just who you really are. I hope you realize you are worthy of love, your are brave, you are smart, kind, loving and real...about as real as they come.

Thanks for listening and now take it to heart, ok?

Love, Me

surviving vs thriving - one woman's perspective

my most recent elephant journal publication can be found here

hold on

Hold on to what is good

even if it is

a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe

even if it is

a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do

even if it is

a long way from here.

Hold on to life even when

it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand even when

I have gone away from you.

hold on to what is good - nancy wood - 1974

what magic is this?

how do you know 

to touch so feather light

causing my body to pulse

in carnal delight?

(c)s.cooper

10-28-19

i know this to be true

abject

i don't want to be
just a stop along the way
a memory to look upon
when life's in disarray

(c)s.cooper
10-27-19

wisdom of skin horse

"...once you are real you can't become unreal again. it lasts for always." -The Velveteen Rabbit

just a reminder

sometimes i cry when we're together...

...because you get me and i get you.  we know each other on such a deep and intimate level and we seek to know and understand more.

...because I see such tenderness and love in your eyes, yet in moments of passion, the hunger.

...because you show up, remain present and allow yourself to be free and vulnerable with me.

i cry because i  feel so very loved and safe, knowing i can be vulnerable as well and that you'll never run from my tears.  instead you will remain and hold me.

i cry because the connection we feel and experience is so incredibly beautiful and real.   i feel so much that it can't be contained so it runs down my cheeks in the form of tears.

with you i let go and find myself in a mystical place where time slows and magic happens.

sometimes i cry when we're together simply because we are together.

on a country road

i can't tell you how many times i walked this road. sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the wee hours of night. sometimes to visit a neighbor, sometimes to clear my head, sometimes to simply commune with nature.

5 years ago today my daughter took this photo looking west on township road 1210 in ashland county. this is where coop and i lived (twice!) and later she lived, and where my kids were primarily raised. our house can't be seen in the photo. it was an old 2 story farm house on the right side of the road, on the curve.

it was not uncommon to see deer frolicking in the field to the left or crossing through our yard to the gully and creek behind the house. that was where they gathered for a drink of water and to rest, out of sight to passers by, yet i could always see them from my kitchen window. often i would watch a flock of wild turkey wander through or a mamma turkey leading her young ones up the road.

life has changed and changed me a lot, but so many of the memories i treasure most were made while living on this country road.

nailed it!

a note from The Captain who nails it just about every time.

now

here they stand one year later

on the precipice

no longer questioning

all it is is 

or what it is

and neither knows

where it goes

  but it goes

and grows

in caring 

  sharing

   deeper 

    stronger

much sweeter the hunger

(c)s.cooper

10-2-19

3 days in october

she waits

anticipating his return

and all the wonder he brings

to her quiet world

electric currents run through her

the secrets of her body

she holds tightly

to be shared only with him

theirs is a spiritual journey

of passion and play

of love and romance

known only to them

it will leave them

filled and emptied

it will leave them

healed and broken

yet they will return

over and over

to feel, to love, to know

the only truth there is

(c)s.cooper

10-8-19

sometimes she roars

often kind   mostly sweet

patient and understanding

that's what people see

and who i am   most basically

but sometimes

I WANT TO RIP THE FUCKING BANDAID OFF

LET LOOSE MY SOUL IN RAGE...

but a tantrum's not appropriate

at this point or this age

so i stifle it or shed some tears

or pretend that it's ok

i tell myself, “accept it,

there is no other way”

why   when it's so obvious

do we deny our need?

why   when we are hungry

do we leave our souls to bleed?

so... 

FUCK ME AND FUCK YOU

AND FUCK THIS WORLD WE'RE IN

I WANT TO LIVE WHAT'S REAL...

not what could have been

(c)s.cooper

9-29-19

all these things and more

allow me

to be your oxygen when you are drowning

in self doubt and confusion,

your compass when wandering lost

in a world of illusion.

allow me

to be the rain that nourishes

when the path you walk is dry and parched,

the moon that shines for you

on the dark nights of your soul.

allow me

to be your pleasure and release

when the fire within rises high,

threatening to engulf you

needs quenched.

allow me

to quite simply,

quite fully,

quite exquisitely

love you.

(c)s.cooper

9-22-19

autumnal equinox

Is It Asking Too Much?

Must I shut myself off from the world to stop caring, stop trusting, stop wanting, stop feeling?

I would like that to be possible because life has torn me to shreds and I am tired...tired of hurting, tired of needing and wanting and so very tired of being strong all the time.

People tell me I am lonely. They are mistaken. I have always liked my own company and time to myself. I like being on my own. I like my freedom. I simply don't like being alone when my need for passion or understanding or a shoulder to cry on breaks through.

Is it wrong to want someone in my life who wants to be there for me when I need them, who wants to adore me, comfort me, satisfy me and make me laugh? I give these things. It is who I am and how I am.

Is it crazy to be a strong, independent woman with the heart of a little girl who is tired of hurting and sometimes just wants someone to hold her and help her feel safe when fear and insecurities loom? Is it wrong to want to feel loved and desired and to be satisfied in the arms of a lover who can make her feel like she is a goddess deserving of his worship?

If it's wanting too much, if it's asking too much, then why am I cursed with what seems to be these innate desires?

FOLLOW UP (9-18-19):

The words above were written quite some time ago. I can't even say for sure when. Then J came along and he revealed himself to be all of these things to me. All of them. The only problem was and is, he is married. How unfair, I thought. But if I step back, I realize that like me, without his experience in a lengthy relationship that wasn't and still isn't satisfying his own similar needs, how could he fully recognize all he is wanting and missing in his own life?

So here we are, two like souls on the same path of seeking fulfillment in a relationship while wanting our freedom and independence. I have attained mine through unforeseen circumstance while he is striving to find his way to his. And somehow the fates have conspired to bring us together to give us both a taste of our heart's desires and the opportunity to decide what we'll do with it. Will we embrace and claim this gift? Or will we forgo the risk and settle for what we have become accustomed to, receding back, accepting our lives as they were prior, left wondering and wandering, simply biding our time until time runs out?

I believe that we have all lived other lives here (or according to quantum theory, are living them simultaneously in other dimensions) and that as we travel through these various lifetimes, we are destined to reconnect to those we have had relationships with in other lives. And so, when two people meet and both feel a strong connection and recognition on so may levels, when we feel this person gets us and we get them, when we seem to fit together perfectly, maybe it is a reunion. Perhaps it's our destiny to be reunited with our twin flame and soul mate. Or maybe that's all malarky or fantastical thinking and I'm just a little crazy. But if it is and I am, why does it feel so real, so true? I don't have the answers, but I think my explanation is as good as any and to me it feels as close to truth as anything could.

Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins? – Nancy Garden

Soul mates are those that we’ve known many lifetimes, have had many karmic contracts with, and with whom we have resolved conflicts. Marriage partners may or may not be soul mates...With true soul mates, there is no struggle. What’s left over is love. – Karen M. Black

within me

(c)s.cooper

9-16-29019

bring the rain

(c)s.cooper
2019

life is disappointment

yet we dream ahead
while longing for what was
and we learn 
that no amount of water will heal us
no matter how much we cry

(c)s.cooper 

2018

Prayer to Self

Bless the woman within me

the woman i'm trying to heal

the woman i'm trying to be

Help me fill my empty spaces

heal where I am broken

and unearth courage when I'm afraid

Help me gather strength when I feel weak

and sow hope when in despair

so I may create a brighter tomorrow

(c)s.cooper

april 2019

Only the Rain Knows

The cotton of my gown clings to my skin
as I drop to my knees in the rain
my tears melding with the drops
both washing away my shame

I didn't deserve what happened to me
I was a child and wasn't to blame
so I kneel in the dark and I hug myself
just me, the night, and the rain

(c)s.cooper
aug 2, 2019

Desiderata

I am not here on this planet just to pass the time until I die. I am here to love and be loved, not to like and be liked. No one needs to be liked but we all need the giving and receiving of love.

I am not hear to listen to the bullshit that passes for conversation. I am hear to listen to your thoughts and dreams and learn your history. I want to know what makes you happy, angry, sad, filled with desire. I want to know your thoughts on god and aliens and what demons keep you up at night.

I am not here to be pretty or entertaining, a plaything that succumbs to flattery or deception. I am here to be real...gut wrenchingly real. I won't flatter you with untruths. I will be honest because I am and I care. I expect the same in return.

I am not here to waste my time. I am here to think and feel and to act and most of all to love, not least of all myself. I make hard choices and sacrifices when my heart, head, and gut lead me to what I want or need. And hopefully in the process I might influence someone else to be just as real because we desperately need to get down to what matters.

(c)s.cooper

2019

Impasse

indiscretion

intentional

intimate

intrinsic

impassioned

incredible

incomplete

intolerable

implications

indecision

(c)s.cooper

aug. 2019

Powerless (a poem for J)

Turning away the men

who want to bed me

I crave touch

I desire kisses

I want passion

but only yours

Without intention

I have become your prisoner

I lie in wait

a slave to your intention

(c)s.cooper

sept.2019

What a Smokin’ Hot Older Woman has to say to Women in their 20s & 30s

previously shared on elephant journal:

I’ve been a big girl all my life.

Or, as one doctor told me, I was “grossly obese.”

That was 40 years and 50 less pounds ago.

He should see me now! I have curves, rolls, wrinkles, bat wings, and my skin elasticity is pretty much nonexistent. My belly hangs from repeated weight gain and loss, and from carrying my babies. I’ve earned every overlapping inch of it.

My hands are now my mother’s, weathered from hard work and time. My hair has turned to being unruly and wild and mostly white.

I smoke too much, curse too often, say what I think, and do as I please every single day.

And one more thing: I am intelligent and have gained much wisdom in my 63 years on this planet.

I was once young, blonde, thinner, and, by society’s standards, much more desirable. I was also naive, self-conscious, and insecure, afraid to speak up for fear I would appear stupid. Basically, I had a real inferiority complex.

So what did I do?

I put on makeup and lots of it, dyed my hair, dressed up, and looked good to compensate for my insecurities. And I slept around, obviously hoping someone would love me for my looks because I sure wasn’t offering them much else. And what happened? I got used and abused because I was pretty, and pretty easy.

So what changed, and how did those things change me? Through life, hardship, loss, abuse, marriage, and raising my children, I began to grow. The older I got, the more life experience I had, and the further I grew.

It seemed that the more I lost in life, be it people or things, the more I gained in self-knowledge, strength, wisdom, faith, determination, and insight into life in general to name a few.

I evolved.

It’s my belief that this is what we’re here for—to evolve through challenges, experience, and wisdom gained, and eventually come home to our authentic selves. The gift is learning to like ourselves and become comfortable in our own skin.

The bonus is we find that other people like us, too. Not only like us, but love us! In fact, they are drawn to us because of our authenticity. When we stop trying to impress our outer beauty upon the world, people learn to see our inner beauty.

Now here’s the irony of it. At 63, with all my so-called flaws, I am finding that those of the opposite sex are finding me hard to resist.

How can that be?

Experience has shown me that real men love real women. Men, if being honest with themselves, admire strength and independence. Real men aren’t seeking childlike drama, but prefer experience and wisdom, trust and intellect. How refreshing!

And it’s funny, too (not ha-ha funny, but amazing funny), because it’s often younger men who find themselves attracted to me for these very reasons. They don’t mind that my hair is wild and white. In fact, they love it. They don’t mind that my body is far from “perfect.” In fact, they love its fullness and curves, its softness and comfort, and they find it beautiful, stretch marks and all. They see a woman in her glory, a goddess, a queen, a woman confident and comfortable with herself, and they find these characteristics alluring.

It’s a beautiful, intimate thing when a lover whispers to me how crazy I make him, how beautiful I am, or tells me quite frankly, I’m hot as f*ck, because you know what? I am.

My lover once told me I had a beautiful body as I lay naked before him. I asked how he could see it that way (considering my remaining self-consciousness at the time). He responded, “because you’re in it.”

Suffice it to say, I have learned a lot in life, not least of all what my late-in-life lovers have taught me. These men have let me glimpse myself through their eyes, and that has been a beautiful reveal. They have helped me dispel the remains of my self-consciousness over appearance, and they have raised the bar as to what treatment I should expect from any man—or any person, for that matter. They have encouraged me to express my needs and desires and to embrace my beauty and my sexuality. They have taught me to set boundaries as well.

All in all, they have helped me know myself, not just as a woman, but as a whole person. To those men, past and present, I am grateful.

At 63, I know I am not finished learning and growing. No one is, not until that last breath has been taken, and even after that, who really can say?

What I do know and can say is I’m a beautiful, radiant, mature woman, more fully realized than I ever knew I could be as a young woman.So to all the young women, to all the self-critical women, to all those who beat themselves up every day for feeling they aren’t enough in some way, I say this: believe in yourself, challenge yourself, examine yourself, touch yourself, and be kind to yourself, not cruel. Respect yourself, listen to your instincts, learn to set boundaries, speak up for yourself, and try your damnedest to see the value in what life is teaching you so you can unearth the beautiful, authentic being you truly are.

It’s worth it. I promise.