fear

all day long my thoughts have leaned heavily towards all that i fear. fear of never feeling happy or fulfilled.  fear of never feeling good enough to be loved enough.  fear of losing my daughter to a horrible disease.  fear of moving out of my comfort zone. fear over my health, both mental and physical.  fear that life will not be so gracious to grant me the joy i crave and seek. 

so i pray to a higher power, acknowledging that i don't know exactly what that is.  is it my higher self?  is it god?  is it angels or spirit guides?  is it those who've passed on who are listening?  or is it no one but me?  either way i pray and i speak and with that comes a greater understanding of myself and what is going on with me.  and for awhile i find a bit of peace. 

i want to love my life and live it more fully.  i want to experience the love i feel, not just keep it bottled inside or get to the point of apathy.  i don't want to waste my days, yet i am.  and we are only given so many.  still, i cannot seem to find that which is lacking.  i cannot find how to be and be present in each day.  no, i am constantly projecting into the future and all the what ifs and possibilities and what feels like impossibilities.  i am creating a movie in my mind that is simply that, a movie, not a reality. i need to stop. 

i need to figure out how to be happy, or at least content, not from some external source but from within.  is that even possible?  have others really done that?  it seems like such a myth to me at times.  i realize that "happy" is a temporary state and that the best we can hope for is acceptance and contentment.  i'll take that with the occasional happy thrown in, please and thank you. 

they say the opposite of fear is love.  i believe that because it is when i am feeling the least loved or lovable that fear always creeps in.  i believe love does conquer fear and we are all looking for someone to love us into happy.  whether it be our self or someone else i'm not sure it matters.  i also believe that it is very often through the active love of others that we learn to love ourselves. 

those are simply my thoughts on this december night...actually morning.  i have exhausted myself with thinking the past 19 hours.  it's time for sleep now with hopes that tomorrow will result in less thought and more action.