Is It Asking Too Much?

Must I shut myself off from the world to stop caring, stop trusting, stop wanting, stop feeling?

I would like that to be possible because life has torn me to shreds and I am tired...tired of hurting, tired of needing and wanting and so very tired of being strong all the time.

People tell me I am lonely. They are mistaken. I have always liked my own company and time to myself. I like being on my own. I like my freedom. I simply don't like being alone when my need for passion or understanding or a shoulder to cry on breaks through.

Is it wrong to want someone in my life who wants to be there for me when I need them, who wants to adore me, comfort me, satisfy me and make me laugh? I give these things. It is who I am and how I am.

Is it crazy to be a strong, independent woman with the heart of a little girl who is tired of hurting and sometimes just wants someone to hold her and help her feel safe when fear and insecurities loom? Is it wrong to want to feel loved and desired and to be satisfied in the arms of a lover who can make her feel like she is a goddess deserving of his worship?

If it's wanting too much, if it's asking too much, then why am I cursed with what seems to be these innate desires?

FOLLOW UP (9-18-19):

The words above were written quite some time ago. I can't even say for sure when. Then J came along and he revealed himself to be all of these things to me. All of them. The only problem was and is, he is married. How unfair, I thought. But if I step back, I realize that like me, without his experience in a lengthy relationship that wasn't and still isn't satisfying his own similar needs, how could he fully recognize all he is wanting and missing in his own life?

So here we are, two like souls on the same path of seeking fulfillment in a relationship while wanting our freedom and independence. I have attained mine through unforeseen circumstance while he is striving to find his way to his. And somehow the fates have conspired to bring us together to give us both a taste of our heart's desires and the opportunity to decide what we'll do with it. Will we embrace and claim this gift? Or will we forgo the risk and settle for what we have become accustomed to, receding back, accepting our lives as they were prior, left wondering and wandering, simply biding our time until time runs out?

I believe that we have all lived other lives here (or according to quantum theory, are living them simultaneously in other dimensions) and that as we travel through these various lifetimes, we are destined to reconnect to those we have had relationships with in other lives. And so, when two people meet and both feel a strong connection and recognition on so may levels, when we feel this person gets us and we get them, when we seem to fit together perfectly, maybe it is a reunion. Perhaps it's our destiny to be reunited with our twin flame and soul mate. Or maybe that's all malarky or fantastical thinking and I'm just a little crazy. But if it is and I am, why does it feel so real, so true? I don't have the answers, but I think my explanation is as good as any and to me it feels as close to truth as anything could.

Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins? – Nancy Garden

Soul mates are those that we’ve known many lifetimes, have had many karmic contracts with, and with whom we have resolved conflicts. Marriage partners may or may not be soul mates...With true soul mates, there is no struggle. What’s left over is love. – Karen M. Black