meltdown

 it happened

i didn't mean for it to happen

everything fell in on me

my thoughts scared me 

badly

i thought i was strong

but now i know 

i am broken

the end

scream

give me something real

a real love

a real person

a real life

a real country

a real reason to care

or carry this load

because i am tired

of all the bullshit

and the illusion

we call life

or love

or freedom.

like john lennon said,

just gimme some truth.

bring me to life

how does one thrive without love, without passion?  

is life meant to be lived in apathy?

i see it every day in people, 

but it's not me...IT'S NOT ME!

bring me to life!

i am this woman

i will never be the kind of woman who keeps her mouth shut and let's her fears or her unsaid words eat a whole in her gut.  i will ask hard questions and address issues and get to the root of things.  

i'm the kind of woman who will expose herself heart and soul and push you to know yourself and do the same.  i want to be real, i am real, and i want that for you as well because real is the only way to be.  i don't want fluff and courtesy, i want truth and trust, genuine decency and compassion that flows from the soul.  i want us to burn away the bullshit and be as real as real can be.

i am a woman who knows what she wants and know that i do not want a mindless kind of love that is so often witnessed in other couples.  i won't settle for lukewarm.  you will feel my love and know my passion.  but i am not all fire and passion.  there is a side of me that is soft, nurturing and sensitive that wants to wrap her love around you like a soft quilt and warm you inside like a cup of hot cocoa.  and in all things i can give as good as i get, perhaps more.

i am like the earth, rock solid and like her waters, flow with the tide.  i am the woman who will be there, who will stand in the fire with you, dance with you in the eye of the hurricane and fight tooth and nail alongside you and for you, and i will take you places you might never have been. 

i may be difficult and irritating at times, like a pebble in your shoe, but when i say i'm sorry i will mean it and through it all you will know love.  

soul deep

it was almost more than she could bear yet he kept on, kissing her, making love to her, his hunger and her desire not knowing an end.  

he got lost in the act of loving, mesmerized in watching her respond and when he entered her it was because he knew she was ready...he had prepared her, tasting and touching every part of her, even the parts she hated.  did he even know he was making love to her heart and mind as well?

sometimes her heart would become so full of the love and connection she would cry, finally knowing how it felt to be loved unconditionally and to harbor such great love for another.  then he would hold her and tell her it was ok to feel her feelings.  

a childhood memory

my third post today as i'm recalling some childhood memories.  funny how something you see or someone says will spark a memory.  

today a friend of mine posted some vintage childhood photos on facebook.  one was of her holding a fish she had caught.  she was maybe four years old in the photo and had such a sad look on her face.  knowing her as an animal lover, i thought she probably was sad as a little girl, knowing that fish was dead.  it took me back to when i was about the same age, living on the farm outside of lodi, just down the road from my aunt and uncle.  

my uncle raised chickens and i never gave it much thought as to why.  i was after all maybe all of four years old.  but that day i'd heard my uncle talking, telling how it was time to butcher some chickens.  i remember being shocked, but said little.  i was always too scared of my uncle nick to say anything at all.  i don't think uncle nick was a mean man but he was always gruff and i think took some pleasure in making us think he was. 

later that night when i was in my bed i began to think about those poor chickens and wonder how anyone could kill them and why they would want to do such a thing.  of course by this time i'm sure i had enjoyed the tasty delight of fried chicken, but my four year old mind wasn't making that connection.  food was food and i don't remember at that point ever asking what it was i was eating.  my siblings and i ate what we were given.  if we didn't we went without.  needless to say, the thought of uncle nick killing chickens now had me convinced he was a horrible person.

laying in my bed that night i began thinking about the death of my uncle's chickens and began to cry.  eventually my mom came in and asked me why i was crying.  "uncle nick's going to kill the chickens!", i cried.  i don't recall my mother's words but somehow she explained to me that chickens were food and that was why he raised them.  i'm sure i was only partially satisfied with the answers given, but there wasn't much i could do but accept my mother's words and finally go to sleep.  that was the day i learned that chickens weren't pets or just fancy, feathery birds.  no, they were not.  they were food.  

 

risk v regret

Do the risky thing no matter what happens—there is far less regret in living life through action, rather than just in our heads. When we don’t honor our heart we miss out on experiences, which connect us deeper to our own truth. 

Tracy Crossley  (Behavioral Relationship Expert)

magic

i woke this morning and as i lay in bed, conscious thoughts just beginning to form, they turned to moments shared with him.  the next thing i knew my eyes were leaking profusely and i was sobbing, missing him and the intimacy and magic we've shared.  i want the magic of smiles that come from never getting tired of seeing them come through the door, of knowing such a precious thing as their love is yours, of finding ways to show them how much love and appreciation and desire you hold in your heart, mind and body for them.  i want that magic and i know when you really have that it's not a fleeting thing at all. when you come from a place of shared love and gratitude,  it is a never ending process that keeps itself alive.  i don't just think this, i know this...we know this.  we knew magic.       

things lost, things found

i was going through some items on a bookshelf this morning when i picked up a journal that was given to me by a friend from my teenage years.  cheryl sent it to me after mark's death along with a letter expressing her condolences and love.  i remember crying when i read the inscription, "for my sallie with love".  for some reason, cheryl has always called me her sallie.  

inside the journal is an assortment of comments from others that i collected as i struggled with my self worth and identity after mark died.  (seems to be a common trait i have)   i was at a point after mark's death of doing some self evaluation and decided to ask my friends to write down what they considered my best qualities to allow me some perspective (and hopefully a much needed boost to my self esteem).  no flattery for flattery's sake, only truth.  the following quotes are what i received.

Donna A: your best qualities are loyalty, honesty and strength.  you have always been loyal to friends and stuck by them. you are honest with your opinions and do not sugarcoat things.  you are real.  your strength is amazing.  you always find ways to get through any challenge and make the best of things.  perseverance, beauty and may other things make you a beautiful person.  i am so proud of you for all you have accomplished, not just now but throughout the years.  your strength and determination surpass that of any other person i know.  

Deb H: 1. kindness-you have always been kind to me and nearly everyone i've seen you interact with.  2. honesty-you are not one to tell people what hey want to hear.  i have never seen you be brutally honest but you are not one to sugar coat  it either, especially when someone ass you what you think.  3. sensitive yet strong.  you are strong willed and have pulled yourself through many troubling times.  yet, you are sensitive to those issues that continue to haunt you even when you believe you have put them behind you.  but that is what makes you the person you are today.  you are sensitive and a good listener to others and able to give advice based on your own experiences.  there are more but these are the ones i like the most.  simply put, you are always willing to help others through tough times even when you are struggling.

Mike K : what are sallie's best qualities?  a bit difficult since we've never met face to face. so why do i love your person?  you must have some extraordinary qualities.  first of all, you were the life partner of the closest friend i've ever had.  i know that you must be smart and witty.  mark did not suffer fools well.  you have a huge heart.  you are going through probably the most painful part of your life, but you haven't dug a hole and jumped in.  you have been able to be my sounding post and therapist while enduring your sadness.  this makes you more than generous.  i know that sometimes you don't feel like dealing with any person, yet you have always made time for my grief over mark and my personal issues i haven't shared with anyone ever.  this makes you a generous and loving person, giving when you may not feel like it.  and finally, trustworthiness.  i feel i can share anything with you in confidence and it will remain safe with you.  you would not ever hurt anyone unless they really deserved it.  i imagine you could give as much as you get when hurt or invalidated by someone.  you are a strong woman with a soft soul and a quick mind.  i feel that i know you well but how can that be?  we've never met!  but i have seen enough and learned enough to know you are very special to me.

Shannon P: reasons why i love you...you're my aunty, one of my favorites.  i have memories of you showing me how to cook, letting me get up on the step stool.  i always wanted to be a chef and you helped me find my calling.  although i could never be as good as you royse ladies, i'm inspired to be.  and you love unconditionally...i always felt warm and welcome in your house no matter the disastrous paths some of us have taken.  you didn;t judge, just offered your opinion and loved us anyway.  you are so smart about so many things, so knowledgable and helpful  i always hoped i could be a strong, passionate, caring woman like yourself...you're one of my heros. 

Cheryl V: you are a kind, caring, loving person and i can see you are someone who likes to be silly and have fun.  and i'm just not saying this, you are one heck of a writer.  

Betsy P: what i love about you is that you are a great communicator.  you are compassionate, honest and empathetic.  i love your sense of humor.  it's a dry one and for me it's the best!  you are authentic, you are just being you and i gravitate toward that.  i love that you think outside the box and are open to ALL!  i have the perception that you accept me with all my flaws and that, dear sal, is the gift! 

Linda K:  ok, i've been giving this a lot of thought.  first character trait is your intelligence.  you are one of the most articulate and verbally expressive women that i know.  you are well read and know how to get your point across.  2. you're ornery as hell!  i am sure if i were to suggest one of my wild ideas to you, you'd be right on it!  3.  you have no trouble coming out with what you think and feel even if it may be upsetting.  4.  you re steadfast and true.  i know if i needed you and it was within your ability, you'd be right there for me.  5. you have a crazy sense of humor and make me laugh a lot.  damn woman, i just love ya!  

Kelly S: you have done so much and been so strong and along the way you have shared all the struggles and joys with us.  you have the strength of zues i am convinced.

Donna H: what you've accomplished and worked through in the past 7 months is nothing less than mind boggling, sallie.  you are amazing.  live your new life with all the zest within you.  you deserve it.

Cindy F: you are one of the most beautiful people, your soul exudes strength, compassion, love, depth, wisdom. 

i guess there are no coincidences and the fact that i decided to open this journal today at a time when i really needed to be reminded of who i am, validates that.  

wisdom quotes

all quotes (c) jeff brown from his book, "love it forward".  asterisks represent my most favorite of those shared.

*Out with the old, in with the true.

Be like the river that doesn't wish it were the ocean.  Surrender to who you are.

*You can connect from all kinds of places- energetic harmony, sexual alchemy, intellectual alignment- but they won’t sustain love over a lifetime. You need a thread that goes deeper, that moves below and beyond the shifting sands of compatibility. That thread is fascination- a genuine fascination with someone’s inner world, with the way they organize reality, with the way they hearticulate their feelings, with the unfathomable and bottomless depths of their being. To hear their soul cry out to you again and again, and to never lose interest in what it is trying to convey. If there is that, then there will still be love when the body sickens, when the sexuality fades, when the perfection projection is long shattered. If there is that, you will swim in love’s waters until the very last breath.

*Savor every bloody moment of aliveness. Don’t delay the delight to a day that may never come. Don’t wait for the last breath before you wake the f*#k up.

*We can’t find our path without getting messy. Messy comes with the territory. We came in messy. We learn messy. We love messy. We leave messy. I never found my way to clarity without first befriending confusion, in all its chaotic forms. I never found a path that felt like home before falling into quicksand. I never established a new way of being without trying the wrong way of being on for size. I never found the light without stumbling around in the dark. I never tasted God before getting a little dirt in my mouth. In the heart of the chaos is the clay that shapes us home.

You are the sculptor of your own reality. Don’t hand your tools to anyone else.

***When you add soul to sex, it’s not sex anymore. It’s God. 

*You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch- it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins.

Truth is the gateway to the moment.

Sometimes love finds you when it’s ready. And when you’re ready too. How that happens is anybody’s guess. Love is the great mystery stew, its secrets well kept, its ingredients known to providence alone. While both people are being prepared, marinated, skewered, cooked to readiness in the fires of life, the cosmic alchemist is turning the pot, reverently preparing the base for the lovers who will meld into it. Only God knows when the stew is ready to be served. Divine timing, Divine dining…

***Although meditation was a helpful spiritual practice, it also reminded me of the limits of solo travel. When I would expand my consciousness in isolation, on the meditation cushion, alone in nature, at the tail end of an emotional release, there was a way in which I could never touch eternity. It was like I was skirting the edges of God- touching her toes, smelling her skin, watching her breathe- without ever penetrating her depths. With love as my meditation, God opened herself completely to me, inviting me deeper in with every breath stroke. In loving my beloved, in surrendering to the merger along the heart-genital highway, another portal opened, one where the eternal nature of soul-life was revealed. Our unified soul was the alchemical combination that showed us God. 

It’s all very complicated until time makes it simple.

***That’s the thing about great love. It elevates everything around it. You walk through a forest together and it becomes a great temple. You eat a meal together and you sit at God’s banquet table. You merge your bodies and all heaven breaks loose. That’s why we can’t stop singing about love. Every verse is a serenade into wholeness.

This life is a hero’s journey. Anyone who sticks it out and gives it their best shot is heroic, in my eyes. What we call normal is so often extraordinary. Just overcoming the weight of the world, and making a genuine effort to identify and honor our true-path is profound. Kudos to anyone who is making a genuine effort to get through this life with originality, awareness and authenticity.

It’s not about giving up on the fairy tale relationship. It’s about landing it in reality. It’s about giving the fairy feet. It’s about peeling away the prince’s armor and loving the human down below. It’s about wiping off the princess’ make-up and loving her divine humanness. It’s about finding romance in the naked fires of daily life. When our masks and disguises fall away, real love can reveal itself. Forget fairy tales- the human tale is much more satisfying. We just have to learn how to get turned on by humanness.

***There is a time to seek, and a time to find. Seeking, exploring, excavating our true path is essential to the journey, but we need to be careful not to miss the signs that we have discovered something that is ready to be lived. Sometimes we know more than we are admitting to ourselves about our path because we are afraid to live our truth fully. Perhaps we were not met with acceptance and support when we revealed who we were; perhaps we are afraid of the consequences of owning our path. Whatever stands in the way, let us courageously live what we find so that we can expand into wholeness. The universe delights in our actualization. 

I am all for aha! moments and other peak experiences, but my most lasting transformation happened in the subtleties, in those private moments of decision as to which path to walk. In every moment, there is a choice: Will I open, or close? Will I take responsibility, or blame? Will I download the learning, or deflect? Will I go to my edge, or fall back to safety? Will I honor my intuition, or listen to the world? Millions of moments of decision that inform who we become. Getting out of Unconscious Prison is a life-long journey. True path is built with choices. I choose authenticity.

*Everyone decides what love is for them. Some of us stop at practicality. And some of us will only stop when the most profound love connection walks through the door. The practical ones have a much better chance of lasting. But the soulful ones actually have a chance to touch God. Their odds are lower, but they don’t much care. Better an occasional banquet with God than 3 meals a day with a stranger. Pick your path…

***I didn’t realize how alone I was, until I wasn’t. It is such a relief when great love comes your way after years, lifetimes without it. Let there be no doubt that all love connections are not created equal. Some bonds are simply practical. Others are blindly rooted in pathology and old traumas. Still others are opportunities to heal and have essential needs finally met. And some have a mystical quality from the first meeting. Pure and simple. Apparent from the first outbreath. Unmistakably sacred. God rising on the wings of their love. This is how the timely and the timeless become indistinguishable- when love meets God deep in the heart’s inner temple.

 

who?

 who will ask how i slept last night or care about my day?

and who will care that my toes shine ferrari red or my eyes are a blue million miles?

i have put away the slippers purchased just for you and all the little lacy things that no one else will see.

the birthday card you sent me is now tucked inside a drawer with all the other cards you've sent

and the jewelry that you bought for me will not touch my skin again.  

who will always tell to be safe whenever i go and want to know if i arrived or made it home safely?

who will make me laugh and dance and make me feel alive? 

who will be thrilled to see me as much as i am thrilled to see them?

and who will say i love you and adore you and make me feel that?

no one.