2 for the price of 1

Closed Until Further Notice

I am tired of all the bullshit and fakery and pretense handed to you from those who are supposed to care.   

Whether it be friends or family or past lovers, I'm sick of loving and caring so deeply then being left to feel I was the only one who really did. I allow people to steal my self worth...no no, I actually hand it over to them, opening my heart, letting myself be vulnerable, oh so vulnerable, making the mistake of believing they have as much love for me as I have for them. I give them everything only to have it be tossed aside in the end.

I'm tired of abandonment, intentional and otherwise. And yet sometimes that is what I wish I could do, abandon it all, every person and every thing and become a rock. Already I'm an island. If this is how the world shows me how I must be, this is how I must become.

I've grown sick of the world and all in it, but yet there's a part of me that wants to embrace it and run wild with it, eat it all up and know what living actually is.

I am growing old. We all are. Our time here is finite. Why can't we stop with all the bullshit and illusion? Why can't we all be honest and real and vulnerable and live with hearts open?

I am hurting, I am saddened, I grieve daily for all that was and all that could have been.

My heart has been open too long in a world that has no place for people like me.

What Good a Heart?

There it is

laying on the ground

hardly recognizable

as a human heart

covered in dirt and splinters

as it is

near colorless now

drained of blood and spirit

no more useful

than a child's ball

toss it back and forth

kick it down the street

until it's torn apart

defiled and deflated

then toss it into the dumpster

where all useless and abandoned things go

and take it away to be buried

among all the other broken, wasted things

aren't we?

we could have been that couple who never fell out of love, doing all those things we thought about and talked about. 

i imagined us taking walks and sitting by the river, sharing books and coffee and kisses or a picnic we had prepared.  you pictured us chopping vegetables while stirring things up in the kitchen.

we didn't get to curl up together on the sofa to share popcorn and a favorite movie or take a drive with no destination in mind only to see what we could find.

there was so much more we could have shared, so many things i wanted to share...more music, art, poetry, books...and more lovemaking, always more lovemaking.

we could have talked about the poets and prophets, movies and theories, people and places.

we could have people watched and made up stories about their lives, and laughed until we cried.

we could have turned ice cream cones into erotic art with our tongues.

we could have turned simple minutes into special memories...

there was so much more to be known.

we could have been that couple who never grew tired of each other... i know this because i know myself and i know you.

we could have been that couple that stays in love forever...

but then my love, aren't we?

 

finite

 from aug, 4th, 2019

days waste away

passing without purpose

lovers loving with limits

denying each other

denying themselves

the freedom to be fully immersed

the end is in sight

yet we think we can wait

and hang on 'til tomorrow

wishing our time away

when there is so little of it left

until

i counted the moments

until i could see you

until we could live 

lips touching teasing

until passion overtook

every day i watched for your words

letting you reach out to me first

to know i wasn't the one pursuing

that it was you reaching for me

and now i count the moments 

waiting for time to pass

filling my days with mundane tasks

and pointless conversations

love has alway been the only thing

that gives me purpose

that makes me feel anything

be it passion or sorrow

for twenty four months

i wished the time away

until we were together again

now i simply wish it away

i am sleeping more these days

a good way to hide 

to not face time or truth

there is no reason to awaken

i am not living

only existing

only waiting

only breathing

until i stop

 

i miss him

 that's all.  i miss him.  

some flames flicker forever

 i only cried a little while 

stuck in moments with you

i wiped my eyes and told myself

there's nothing i can do

the anger i felt has lessened

and mostly i feel sad

time will tell the outcome

whether that's good or bad

the torch i've carried still burns in me

no matter how hard i may try

to extinguish that smoldering flame

it burns and it will not die

so i must accept this how it will be

until it burns itself out

but some flames flicker forever

of this i have little doubt

 

such wicked queens

 “Once upon a time there was a wicked witch and her name was

Lilith

Eve

Hagar

Jezebel

Delilah

Pandora

Jahi

Tamar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called goddess and her name was

Kali

Fatima

Artemis

Hera

Isis

Mary

Ishtar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called queen and her name was

Bathsheba

Vashti

Cleopatra

Helen

Salome

Elizabeth

Clytemnestra

Medea

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called witch and her name was

Joan

Circe

Morgan le Fay

Tiamat

Maria Leonza

Medusa

and they had this in common: that they were feared, hated, desired, and worshiped.”

― Andrea Dworkin, Woman Hating

sunday morning coming down

i hope i may have gotten things out of my system...at least for the time being.  after posting last night i went to bed.  i laid there for awhile and debated on getting up and deleting what i'd written.  i have deleted so much of what i've written recently.  believe me, what i shared was milder than some of what i've written.  but instead i decided not to disturb the dogs and just sent loving energy in his direction like i used to do.    

i know i can be brutal at times.  maybe it's the only way i know how to defend myself against feeling so hurt, and finally feel a modicum of control over my emotions.  that sounds a bit contradictory, but you'd have to be me to understand.  whatever it is, it's done.  i was able to channel my anger into a poem rather than react in worse ways.  deep down i don't really want to hurt anyone and those who've helped to cause me pain should be thankful i limit it to words. as a woman who feels intensely, it only makes sense that anger would rear it's ugly head.  

i don't want him to hate me and i don't want to hate him.  i don't hate him.  i have battled between love and sorrow, frustration and anger.  i have felt such a huge range of emotions in the past few weeks...hell, in the past two years really.  but in the last weeks i have been on an extreme roller coaster.  i may not have felt so reactionary if i wasn't dealing with other deeply emotional things as well...ya know, like my kid dying. i also know that when i grieve (and i have been grieving immensely, there's no other word for it), that much of my old grief rises to the surface.  i know too well that deep grief is not something you get over, you simply learn to live with it.  not feeling sorry for myself, but i know i've been grieving for a long time not just over losing mark, but over my daughter's inevitable death.  it's a lot of heaviness to bear and until now i feel i've done a fairly decent job.  unfortunately under the more recent circumstance things compounded and snowballed.  i can only hope he can understand this.   

onward and upward, right?  i don't like the person i've been through all of this and i hope to maintain some semblance of balance.  it's the memories that tear me up and the feelings i felt with him.  even now as i write, some little flick of a memory of our intimacy and the tears are blurring my vision.  this time, the episode in the living room when we both got so lost in the moment as i straddled his knee.  god damn it, i want to forget and find some emotional normalcy.  this has become my everyday emotional state and i don't want it anymore.  please give me a fucking lobotomy for god's sake!  take away these memories so i no longer hurt.  damn it damn it damn it.

by now i've probably destroyed his desire for even friendship.  maybe just as well.  not sure i could do that, at least not yet.  jason was like a drug and i'm still going through withdrawal.  and this is how i HAVE to look at it.  you don't tempt an addict with their favorite drug.  that's what our relationship was like...junkies getting a fix.  and just like an addict who wishes they could turn back time and never start using, i wish i could, too.  unless i could be like keith richards and have a steady maintenance supply of the good stuff, i have no choice but to get clean.  

  

      

hell hath no fury

hurt has turned to anger

a bad taste is in my mouth

i want to beat my fists on you

chew you up and spit you out

be grateful i'm not evil

though i could easily be

then i'd witness just once more

you down upon your knees

you'd beg for mercy once again

but it would never come

i would simply turn away

the same way you have done

my prince you have no inkling

of the things that i could do

to make your life unbearable

you haven't got a clue

i wonder how you sleep at night

and i'll never understand

how you can hurt the ones you love

yet think yourself a man

i hope the house of cards you've built

will someday fall apart

and you will know just how it feels

when someone breaks your heart

(a little release of anger and cruelty at 2am sunday morning so i could get some relief and sleep. at least when i'm angry i'm not crying...well, not usually anyhow.  i feel a little better and a little bad, but he should know the fire in me works both ways.  i think i can sleep now.  please god, let me done with this.) 

no greater truth

 

i can't help but wonder how many times does one have to let go?

everything has changed

 

i remember times in my life when i felt optimistic, times when i knew i was loved.

they were long ago and far away.  

i hope someday i might feel and know those things again and not just a facsimile.