i hope i may have gotten things out of my system...at least for the time being. after posting last night i went to bed. i laid there for awhile and debated on getting up and deleting what i'd written. i have deleted so much of what i've written recently. believe me, what i shared was milder than some of what i've written. but instead i decided not to disturb the dogs and just sent loving energy in his direction like i used to do.
i know i can be brutal at times. maybe it's the only way i know how to defend myself against feeling so hurt, and finally feel a modicum of control over my emotions. that sounds a bit contradictory, but you'd have to be me to understand. whatever it is, it's done. i was able to channel my anger into a poem rather than react in worse ways. deep down i don't really want to hurt anyone and those who've helped to cause me pain should be thankful i limit it to words. as a woman who feels intensely, it only makes sense that anger would rear it's ugly head.
i don't want him to hate me and i don't want to hate him. i don't hate him. i have battled between love and sorrow, frustration and anger. i have felt such a huge range of emotions in the past few weeks...hell, in the past two years really. but in the last weeks i have been on an extreme roller coaster. i may not have felt so reactionary if i wasn't dealing with other deeply emotional things as well...ya know, like my kid dying. i also know that when i grieve (and i have been grieving immensely, there's no other word for it), that much of my old grief rises to the surface. i know too well that deep grief is not something you get over, you simply learn to live with it. not feeling sorry for myself, but i know i've been grieving for a long time not just over losing mark, but over my daughter's inevitable death. it's a lot of heaviness to bear and until now i feel i've done a fairly decent job. unfortunately under the more recent circumstance things compounded and snowballed. i can only hope he can understand this.
onward and upward, right? i don't like the person i've been through all of this and i hope to maintain some semblance of balance. it's the memories that tear me up and the feelings i felt with him. even now as i write, some little flick of a memory of our intimacy and the tears are blurring my vision. this time, the episode in the living room when we both got so lost in the moment as i straddled his knee. god damn it, i want to forget and find some emotional normalcy. this has become my everyday emotional state and i don't want it anymore. please give me a fucking lobotomy for god's sake! take away these memories so i no longer hurt. damn it damn it damn it.
by now i've probably destroyed his desire for even friendship. maybe just as well. not sure i could do that, at least not yet. jason was like a drug and i'm still going through withdrawal. and this is how i HAVE to look at it. you don't tempt an addict with their favorite drug. that's what our relationship was like...junkies getting a fix. and just like an addict who wishes they could turn back time and never start using, i wish i could, too. unless i could be like keith richards and have a steady maintenance supply of the good stuff, i have no choice but to get clean.
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