7th week thought stream

the morning of april 24th, 2020 (approximately)


a full 8 hours of drug induced sleep.  thank you dr. george.  yet i do not feel as refreshed as i might from a summer's eve douche.

rain drips from the awning above the kitchen window.

another morning to ponder as i sip instant coffee and battle the cat for space at the kitchen table.

the last time i douched was after i compromised my integrity with a man i didn't love.  it was an act of self-care...the douche that  is.

"dear vagina, i am sorry i allowed someone who didn't value your sacredness to enter.  it hasn't happened since and i promise it won't happen again.  but you know that don't you?"

as i sit, i finally concede to the cat's persistence as she sprawls across my notebook, to indulge her and myself in a tactile experience.

outside the window the maple tree that lives next door has small green leaves beginning to fill it's previously barren branches.  a train rumbles as it passes through town several blocks away.

i am hoping the wind dies down to allow a comfortable walk this morning.

the wind chimes outside my back door sing.  i wonder if they annoy my neighbors.  i don't care, i only wonder.

yesterday on my first walk of Spring i noticed all the alleyways i could traverse, which made my walk more interesting.  one can walk down (or up, depending upon how one looks at it) a sidewalk and see how the neighborhood presents itself.  but wandering through alleys offers a glimpse of what is behind the facade.  instead of trimmed hedges and pretty flowers there are rusty gas grills, piles of rotting timber, and remnants of last years gardens.

it has been 7 weeks in isolation.

Not Dark Yet

Bob Dylan

Shadows are falling and I been here all day
It's too hot to sleep and time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't let me heal

There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there
Well my sense of humanity is going down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain

She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writin' what was in her mind
I just don't see why I should even care
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well I been to London and I been to gay Paree
I followed the river and I got to the sea
I've been down to the bottom of a whirlpool of lies
I ain't lookin' for nothin' in anyone's eyes

Sometimes my burden is more than I can bear
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

I was born here and I'll die here, against my will
I know it looks like I'm movin' but I'm standin' still

Every nerve in my body is so naked and numb
I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don't even hear the murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

i'm trying

A Mantra for the Crazy, Lost, Wild & Free Ones

People often ask her what she’s doing.
What are her plans? What are her goals?

She answers, simply, “I’m making.”

What follows are blank stares, and the inevitable question of “making what?” is left to linger in the air.

Her reply is this:

I’m making mistakes and choices that are leading me to where I need to be.

I’m making messes and making no effort to clean them up until I have learnt from the glinting shards, dispersed all on the floor.

I’m making a living in a job that I don’t wish to pursue, to make money to open up gateways that I need a paid ticket to get through.

I’m making notes on the conversations and stories that I have been told along the way.

I’m making commitments to myself to live only for myself, and only for those that intertwine beautifully, in all of my various branches.

I’m making room for self-growth and making an effort to follow notes of songs that sing to me.

I’m making after hours in bars an acceptable place for a woman to drown her sorrows—alone, if she wants to.

I’m making passionate moments, encounters, and meetings.

I’m making love to words and etching them down in a book of poetry that no one will read until I want them to.

I’m making coffee in the morning and making a choice to have a lonely glass of red at night to keep me company.

I’m making noise out loud that was once trapped and restricted in my mind for too long.

I’m making promises to my mother to be the strongest woman I can be, in a world that can shake the bones of you.

I’m making deals with my sister to never leave her behind.

I’m making my dad quiver with my choices in men.

I’m making prayers and offerings to the sky for guidance at times when I need a helping hand to take the pressure off.

I’m making this life a piece of art in the way that I move.

I’m making history for allowing the power within me to heal myself and others that I come in contact with.

I’m making a beautiful, chaotic life seem normal.

I’m making “crazy, wild, free, lost, and woman” words to be f*cking proud of.

I’m making the best of what I’ve got and I’m making no apologies for being committed to the making of me.

~
Author: Sophie O’Sullivan

to my lover at 4 in the morning

as i sit here in the wee hours of the morning when i can't sleep my thoughts are with you.  seems to be the way it is every moment my mind is not occupied.  you're just there.  i picture you sleeping.  i imagine you getting up all sleepy headed, making coffee, getting ready for your workday or your weekend.  i wonder if you think of me upon rising, if you wished you were with me as opposed to where you are and who you're with.  some questions i'm afraid to ask.  you see, it hurts.  maybe it shouldn't, but it does.  i do not like you loving someone other than me.  i'm selfish that way.  i want us to be each other's one and only and to be the person who gives you everything you need.  i have it to give but it's not for anyone else to receive.  and i want so badly to give.

i try to avoid my thoughts but they come...they always come...the wanting and needing you in my life.  you've opened me so fully to my desire, you've shown me what real connection is and what i've been seeking all my life.  you and i are what dreams are made of.

i try to be more rational, to accept the situation for what it is.  i try to tell myself that this is probably all i'll get so savor it.  and i do savor it, but knowing it may be all i ever get makes it hard.  i know i can't make you do anything or change anything. those things are yours to decide.  that's not saying i don't want you to.  i do.  so badly i do.  i want you to take me into your life and depend on me for the love and attention you crave instead of hoping it magically shows up where you are now.  i don't want to give you an ultimatum because i'm afraid you will simply accept the loss and let me go. that thought scares me too much.  i'm afraid you wouldn't fight to keep me and that thought alone makes me question my real worth in your life.  can you live without me?  sure, you would survive, but do you want to go back to less than you know with me?

i have loved deeply in the past but never quite like this.  i have been loved, but never in a way such as you have shown me.  i miss you so.  this loving you and wanting you goes so deep that it always brings tears to my eyes.  you have become the great love of my life.  what am i supposed to do with that? 

aftermath (ode to 45)

we traveled down a weary road
not knowing what would come
would we live or would we die
when all was said and done?

the politicians stood and lied
trying to save face
so unconcerned they truly were
about the human race

so many senseless people
believing what was told
succumbed to covid-19
the young not just the old

the people gathered in the streets
to protest isolation
in ignorance spreading hate
they furthered devastation

our doctors and our nurses
battled such great odds
while the greed of politicians
controlled supplies like gods

the bailouts went to billionairs
instead of those in need
all because of backdoor deals
to satisfy men's greed

funerals could not be held
to honor all those dead
instead the bodies piled up
in semi-tractor beds

the blood of jesus didn't save
but here is how it stands
there's blood and plenty of it
on our politicians hands. 

4-23-20
(c) 2020 s.cooper

only options

sometimes we are done

done with pretending

done with not being who we are

done with living joylessly

done with not feeling connected to our soul

just done

so we make hard decisions

undo our lives to start over

accept momentary pain

over a lifetime of suffering

choosing to thrive

rather than survive

we choose to stop dying for everyone else

and start living for ourselves

however that looks

whatever it takes

knowing it won't be easy

but knowing we are strong enough

there will be times

when we question everythimg

every choice

every action

every option

every possibility

we will be afraid 

tempted to return to our comfort zone

wondering if the choices we made

were right or wrong

but we must reach deep

and be brave enough 

to see where life will take us

and awake enough to remember 

there is no right or wrong

only options

(c)

4-23-20

s.cooper

A Note from your Mother on Earth Day

Dear Children of Earth,
As you can see from the effects of covid-19 causing you to slow down, I am healing. It saddens me that it has taken something as extreme as a pandemic for me to breathe and perhaps for many of you to realize the damage caused to your mother. My hope is that by seeing blue skies, clean air and water and the return of wildlife to areas previously abandoned, that you have become more conscious of your impact and your responsibility towards me, your home.
If you have learned anything from this, I hope it will be that small things matter in the big picture. If you can continue to curb your carbon emissions by organizing the trips you make in your cars and planes once this virus recedes you and I both will reap the benefits. If you continue to support small, local businesses for your needs you will continue to grow your local economy, support your neighbors and keep mass producing corporations from polluting the air and water quite so much with their waste. By making small sacrifices, (which really aren't sacrifices at all), you can keep me a greener and cleaner planet for your children and grandchildren to thrive in. Not only will they learn from your behavior, both they and I will be happier and healthier for the choices and efforts you make today and every day.
i want to remind you that the place you call, “away”, does not exist. Nothing disappears, it only changes form. Some of it to a beneficial form, but most of it not. I ask that you think about this and in doing so you will consider the acts of reducing and reusing whenever and in whatever way you can. These may seem like fruitless or pointless efforts but they are not. Like every drop of rain in the ocean, each act has a ripple effect and the simple act of caring changes everything.
You, dear children, are the stewards of both Earth and Sky and most definitely the future. May you all become sentient beings, remembering your connection to me, your mother, for that is your true nature. I am here to support and sustain you, but I need you to care for me so I can continue to care for you. Walk gently my children, walk gently, for every day is Earth Day.

All my love,
Mother Earth

p.s. Plant trees

(c) 2020

what if we are simply god's experience and nothing more?

a depressing day other than the time i was stoned and bearing my breasts to the sun.  it is 4/20/20 after all.   so after getting a bit high i was contemplating whether there was any actual meaning to life.  i was certainly feeling there wasn't.   so here is what i wrote before i hit the vape another time or two and headed into the sun:

life seems to have very little point.  we're born, we grow.  some of us marry and raise families, some make careers.  some do little.  some do much.  but in the end what does any of it matter?  i mean seriously, does it matter if someone grows up to be a doctor to discover a cure for cancer or someone else grows up to be a homeless addict?  sure we can say one person can make the world a better place and the other not so much and that's true to some degree. but again, what does it matter if all is finite?

if we were created by a god, to what purpose and what end?  if we simply evolved, then it was just a process and we're here by chance.  i can only come up with one answer to why, if we were created by a supreme being...so here's my (god based) theory...

god, being some sort of universal consciousness with awareness of self and the ability to create may have simply created life as an experiment.  you see, if god were the only thing that existed prior to life as we know it, how would he/she know their self as god?  or better yet, how could they experience their godhood without a somewhat intelligent or inquisitive creature to at least imagine or believe in their existence?  through the creation of intelligent life, god not only could become aware of his/her godliness but could also experience his/her existence through that creation.  basically we could just be god's experience of self or essentially god's entertainment.  perhaps it was all just an experiemnt.

maybe god, provided he/she exists, is waiting to see if his/her creation will actually progress enough to prove his/her existence?  if that actually happens, then what?  game over?  the real meaning of our lives ceases to exist.  would we realize that life's meaning was never about us?  that there never was a meaning to it for any of us, only for god? 

are we god experiencing itself by living, by loving and by dying and everything else in between?  maybe it's like joan osbourne sang...maybe god is one of us or more likely all of us.

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us Just a stranger on the bus Trying to make his way home

did i mention

did i mention i am turned on by the set of your jaw?

how i love the gray that's showing up in your hair
and the way your eyes shine when you look at me
or the way your lip curls at the corner when you smile?

have i mentioned how your powers of observation
impress me and can undress me?

or that i love learning you, what makes you tick
and how your beautiful mind works?

did i mention how your words seduce me
and your touch enthralls me,
how i have become slave to my desire for you,
how you've become the sun in my universe?
how i need your heat and light to survive?
how just hearing your voice or seeing your face
or simply thoughts of you spark my desire?

do you understand what it means

that you are able to love and accept parts of me that i couldn't

but now am better able to simply because you can?

did i mention how unique i think you are 

in so may ways that you make yourself irresistible to me?

are you aware of how much you are loved?

i know i have mentioned that 

and i want to remind you

again and again and again

you are so worthy

4-18-2020

thick woman blues (song)

i'm your thick, juicy woman
and i want your hot sweet love
i need your arms around me
just like heaven needs god above

your kisses taste like sugar
no i just can't get enough
i like it when you're tender and sweet
i like it when you're rough
----
chorus:
yeah i want your arms around me
and i want your kisses, too
i want your loving baby
'cos you know what to do

yeah i'm your thick juicy woman
that's just what i am
your thick juicy woman
and you're my lovin man
---

when you come home from workin' hard
i want you to be sure
everything you ever need
is right behind that door

when you wake in the mornin
and your eyes are open wide
you'll see this hungry woman
is right there by your side

repeat chorus:
yeah i want your arms around me
and i want your kisses, too
i want your loving baby
'cos you know what to do

yeah i'm your thick juicy woman
that's just what i am
your thick juicy woman
and you're my lovin man

i ain't worried 'bout cheatin
'cos baby you're not that bad
and i'm the best damn woman
that you know you ever had

yeah i'm your thick juicy woman
that's just what i am
your thick juicy woman
and you're my lovin man

yeah i'm your thick juicy woman
that's just what i am
your thick juicy woman
and you're my lovin man

4-17-2020
(c) s.cooper