to my lover at 4 in the morning

as i sit here in the wee hours of the morning when i can't sleep my thoughts are with you.  seems to be the way it is every moment my mind is not occupied.  you're just there.  i picture you sleeping.  i imagine you getting up all sleepy headed, making coffee, getting ready for your workday or your weekend.  i wonder if you think of me upon rising, if you wished you were with me as opposed to where you are and who you're with.  some questions i'm afraid to ask.  you see, it hurts.  maybe it shouldn't, but it does.  i do not like you loving someone other than me.  i'm selfish that way.  i want us to be each other's one and only and to be the person who gives you everything you need.  i have it to give but it's not for anyone else to receive.  and i want so badly to give.

i try to avoid my thoughts but they come...they always come...the wanting and needing you in my life.  you've opened me so fully to my desire, you've shown me what real connection is and what i've been seeking all my life.  you and i are what dreams are made of.

i try to be more rational, to accept the situation for what it is.  i try to tell myself that this is probably all i'll get so savor it.  and i do savor it, but knowing it may be all i ever get makes it hard.  i know i can't make you do anything or change anything. those things are yours to decide.  that's not saying i don't want you to.  i do.  so badly i do.  i want you to take me into your life and depend on me for the love and attention you crave instead of hoping it magically shows up where you are now.  i don't want to give you an ultimatum because i'm afraid you will simply accept the loss and let me go. that thought scares me too much.  i'm afraid you wouldn't fight to keep me and that thought alone makes me question my real worth in your life.  can you live without me?  sure, you would survive, but do you want to go back to less than you know with me?

i have loved deeply in the past but never quite like this.  i have been loved, but never in a way such as you have shown me.  i miss you so.  this loving you and wanting you goes so deep that it always brings tears to my eyes.  you have become the great love of my life.  what am i supposed to do with that?