have no fear

don't be afraid to pull me close
when the storm sets in
you are the one who can calm my chaos

don't be afraid to be genuine
naked in your truth and vulnerability
i will hold you in your darkest hour

don't be afraid
of revealing your imperfections
i can't see them

do not fear losing your identity
but by all means lose yourself
in my touch

for J
6-8-20

flower

she prays for rain

lest she withers and dies

when her purpose is

to blossom and thrive

bringing pleasure to the senses

6-8-20

you know what turns me on?

poetry
transparency
effort
morning sex
quantum physics
vulnerable conversations
deep kisses
sacred geometry
morning coffee
cotton quilts
the scent of lilacs and roses
the sound of rain on a tin roof
kittens
shoulder kisses
eye contact
uncontrollable laughter
the color pink
bare feet
kisses on top of my head
curtains billowing from summer breezes...
and laying in bed feeling the breeze waft across my bare skin
painted toes
the feeling that only comes after a day in sun and water
crystals
my lover pulling me close
the scent of peonies and honeysuckle
clear blue skies
hearing the birds sing at the break of dawn
watching the sun rise
a really good book
creating a warm and comforting ambiance
the rare, exceptional movie
getting high with friends
walking in woods
the smell of bread baking
and fresh coffee brewing
the sound of children giggling
feeling and feeding my lover's passion
cloud gazing
star gazing

...to be continued

sat morning ruminating

it's 5:30 am.  i can hear birds singing outside my kitchen window as daylight slowly emerges.  i've always loved waking to the sound.  this morning i beat them to wakefulness, having awoken at 4.

sitting here at the keyboard i wonder what keeps us going everyday, through the mundane lather, rinse, repeat cycles that have become our lives.  i guess for me it's always been hope.  i've always clung to the idea that maybe tomorrow will be better and sometimes it is. 

it's not that i'm depressed all the time.  i think it's that life just becomes monotonous.  especially when things aren't what you'd like them to be and you have no power to change them. then i think, actually i do.  i could change them completely.  maybe not to my liking or for that matter, anyone else's. there's always the option of simply becoming invisible, disappearing and starting over somewhere else or even right where i am.

it sucks feeling more love for someone than you've ever felt and knowing it's probably the most futile thing you've ever done but you can't seem to change how you feel.  you want to break free from this addiction, this constant craving to be with the person who takes up 99% of the space in your head and your heart.  you've even tried and ended up in the hospital ER once because of the emotional upset to your heart. 

so what do you do?  sometimes you pray for apathy to a god you're not sure actually exists.  sometimes you accept your fate no matter how hopeless it seems.  and sometimes you live in the illusion because it's better than the reality.  but sometimes your doubts creep in and you begin questioning what you're really worth to another human being.  you question why you're not enough to be #1.  it's really all you've ever wanted, yet you keep putting yourself in situations where you never are.  there's always some reason; a drug addiction (mother), an alcohol addiction (husband), a mental affliction (partner), or a wife (current lover).  and so you feel you're never enough, you're never worthy enough to receive all you're willing to give.  i guess love has different meanings and degrees.  sometime i wish i didn't care so much or love so deeply.  i have tried to change that, believe it or not, tried to be like others and not get attached to people but inevitably i do.  and when i do i can't walk away.  i stuck with all of them because i loved them. 

so what is my big fear?  that i will go to my grave being unfulfilled, having never lived the fullness of a loving relationship,  that i will die with a flicker of hope lingering for what never was and at that point can never be. 

seriously, i get so fed up and frustrated with myself because i know the only sane thing would be to walk away.  i ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"  and often wonder why i even exist.

i'm 64 years old and i'll be the first to admit this is ridiculous, but unfortunately it's me and it's my life. i guess what i want is too much to ask or expect from anyone.  maybe the answer is to lower my expectations, or just give up and shut the fuck up.

final thought as i was walking away from my keyboard:

maybe my perception is all wrong.  perhaps it's not that i'm not worthy enough.  perhaps it's they who aren't worthy of my love.  but like a fool, i love regardless.  and maybe "worth" has nothing to do with it at all.  maybe love is love is love and we love despite all odds, despite everything because that's just who we are.  

what if?

i cried reading this:

someone else

there is someone else who lives inside her flesh these days
she is not the same person who used to dwell there
time has changed so many things so many times
that she changed, too.

she could have been one of those many women who became angry and bitter
but she didn't

instead her heart softened and she became more sensitive
life and death have taught her what actually matters
and that is only love and the memories made with those we love
she understands that memories are sometimes all you are left with

this woman who lives inside her now takes nothing for granted
she loves more deeply, cries more easily
and carries a sadness that has become a permanent part of her

every time her heart was broken it broadened the wound
and her vulnerability
so if you love her you need to love her completely
because that's the only way she knows to love you

5-29-20

she is all these things

thursday night thoughts (this ain't no dress rehearsal)

authenticity is worth striving for but it's not easy to be honest and real.  no, it's much easier to bow to the dictates of society and what others expect and think of us of us than it is to live according to what we desire and what truly speaks to our soul.  in the end if we do not seek our own path we will have failed to satisfy anyone, especially our self.  
our individual journey through life is ours to decide and to travel and therein lay the gift.  

if we do not choose for ourself, but instead allow others to choose for us, we deny ourselves the the full and unique experience of life.  we get one shot and a limited amount of time.  unfortunately we often wait until this, that or something else happens or changes or we change or someone makes a choice for us. we wait, thinking the time will come when things magically get better or it gets easier to walk away from the life, the marriage, the job, or whatever it is that we feel obligated to or afraid to leave.  then before you know it time has run out and we accept our unfortunate fate, one we actually chose because we failed to choose otherwise. "to not choose is to choose."

no, this is not a dress rehearsal.  this is your life.  

the holiest place

...is not inside a temple, a church or synagogue
it is not even fully found in the deep wood
or vast ocean

the holiest place, the sacred place, the holy of holies
is found in a relationship

we do not have to build a temple
or seek god elsewhere

our bodies are the temple
let us worship there

smc
5-21-20

this woman

i have hated this woman at times...probably more times than i've loved her.
i have fed her stories and lies about herself, told her she wasn't good enough or simply not enough.  sometimes i still do.

i've allowed others to treat her poorly, to break her and make her feel inadequate.  she has torn down walls and battled for others who failed to appreciate or stand up for her.

she has been beaten, abandoned had her spirit broken and her light dimmed, and despite this she still rises and loves deeply and believes she has light inside her.

this woman has had to be strong enough to carry on time and again while paralyzed by fear.

she has struggled to forgive herself for mistakes made as a mother, a partner, a friend.

this woman has a dirty mind, a smart mouth, scars and she keeps secrets...hers and other's.

she had done good things and bad things.
there are those who love her, those who like her and those who don't, but she's ok with that. 

this woman spends too much time in her mind and in her pajamas.
she seldom wears make-up but wears her gray hair like a crown.

she is who she is.  she won't pretend to be anyone she isn't. 

sometimes she is silly, but often she is sad. life and circumstance have made her this way, so when she smiles you can trust it's genuine.

she knows she's not perfect, in fact broken in some ways, but she has worth and she is still standing.
this woman knows she's a warrior even though some days she tires of the fight.

this woman is lover, life giver, and embodies strength and persistence.  she is a realist yet a dreamer, a wisdom seeker and a healer.  

you can love her or not love her, but if she loves you she will love all of you with her whole heart.  

this woman is a queen.  she just needs reminded sometimes.

this woman is me.

if i could

i would say i love you
but more than that
i would show you

i would tell you stories
and do silly things
just to hear you laugh


i would never be careful with my kisses.
never

i would make you soup
whenever you said
"soup sounds good."

i would paint my toes
in rainbow colors
and wear my hair up
just the way you love it

i would put on silky, lacy things
just to see your reaction
before i seduce you

i would teach you things
and you would teach me
and together we would become more
than we are separately

i would love you to sleep
with a night of passion
then love you awake
in the morning
with hot sweet coffee and kisses

when you least expect it
i would sneak up behind you
wrap my arms around you
and press myself against your back

if i could
i would weave myself into your flesh
so you would know
how loving you feels

5-17-20
for J