sitting here at the keyboard i wonder what keeps us going everyday, through the mundane lather, rinse, repeat cycles that have become our lives. i guess for me it's always been hope. i've always clung to the idea that maybe tomorrow will be better and sometimes it is.
it's not that i'm depressed all the time. i think it's that life just becomes monotonous. especially when things aren't what you'd like them to be and you have no power to change them. then i think, actually i do. i could change them completely. maybe not to my liking or for that matter, anyone else's. there's always the option of simply becoming invisible, disappearing and starting over somewhere else or even right where i am.
it sucks feeling more love for someone than you've ever felt and knowing it's probably the most futile thing you've ever done but you can't seem to change how you feel. you want to break free from this addiction, this constant craving to be with the person who takes up 99% of the space in your head and your heart. you've even tried and ended up in the hospital ER once because of the emotional upset to your heart.
so what do you do? sometimes you pray for apathy to a god you're not sure actually exists. sometimes you accept your fate no matter how hopeless it seems. and sometimes you live in the illusion because it's better than the reality. but sometimes your doubts creep in and you begin questioning what you're really worth to another human being. you question why you're not enough to be #1. it's really all you've ever wanted, yet you keep putting yourself in situations where you never are. there's always some reason; a drug addiction (mother), an alcohol addiction (husband), a mental affliction (partner), or a wife (current lover). and so you feel you're never enough, you're never worthy enough to receive all you're willing to give. i guess love has different meanings and degrees. sometime i wish i didn't care so much or love so deeply. i have tried to change that, believe it or not, tried to be like others and not get attached to people but inevitably i do. and when i do i can't walk away. i stuck with all of them because i loved them.
so what is my big fear? that i will go to my grave being unfulfilled, having never lived the fullness of a loving relationship, that i will die with a flicker of hope lingering for what never was and at that point can never be.
seriously, i get so fed up and frustrated with myself because i know the only sane thing would be to walk away. i ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with you?" and often wonder why i even exist.
i'm 64 years old and i'll be the first to admit this is ridiculous, but unfortunately it's me and it's my life. i guess what i want is too much to ask or expect from anyone. maybe the answer is to lower my expectations, or just give up and shut the fuck up.
final thought as i was walking away from my keyboard:
maybe my perception is all wrong. perhaps it's not that i'm not worthy enough. perhaps it's they who aren't worthy of my love. but like a fool, i love regardless. and maybe "worth" has nothing to do with it at all. maybe love is love is love and we love despite all odds, despite everything because that's just who we are.
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