then and now

"You were a powerful freakin' woman.

A witch.

A wild, wise woman.

A creatrix.

Your womb was an oracle, your intuition was revered.

You were badass.

You were divine.

FYI: You STILL are."

~ 

Lisa Lister/The Sassy SHE

Kat Shaw Artist

quicksand

thoughts and insecurities

not wanting to feel this need in me

to be loved

to be needed

to be desired

wanting to not know

what i have come to know

about myself 

and love

and how that feels

i was better off

not opening up

not forfeiting my heart

to know love

but it's too late now

i can't undo the knowing

so i fight myself

my feelings and desires

but they don't go away

all that i resist persists

and i sink deeper

i know i must reach out 

in order to save myself

and my sanity

to reclaim the light

that has been hidden

in the mire of doubt 

and self sabotage 

i want to be that woman

i intended to be

and thought i was

the woman who knew her strength

and always always always

managed to pull herself up

i want to live for me

not for another 

but for me!  

i want to be enough

not just for another

but for myself!

i don't expect anyone to save me

that's not how it works

but i must reach out my hand 

ask and accept help this time

to extricate myself

before i am buried alive

sunday morning thought stream

awake, sad, not wanting anything but him.

why does it have to hurt so much?

the world is sick of me.

i am sick of me.

why why why did the universe hand me a gift i'm not entitled to? 

why is fate so cruel?

i don't want another, only him.

why is it we seek and never find anything or anyone to keep?

i have myself and that feels inadequate.  

every time i think i may be ok i find i'm not.

i'm not ok, not ok, not ok, not without him but i can't be ok with him as things are.  god why do i love so hard only to break so hard?  

every day i wait for night to come so i can go to sleep with some shred of hope for tomorrow.  but every day is lather, rinse, repeat.  tonight i can't even go to sleep because the tears won't stop.  

i don't want anyone else, i don't have it in me to want anyone else.  

i am not destined for anyone else. 

i don't want it to be over, i so don't want it to be.  

 how do i live?  how do i even begin to want to? 

Sad Lisa by Cat Stevens

the nearest place to god

 

simple enough

 

today

 ...felt better.

i feel a little optimism, something i've been lacking for some time.  it was good to talk to someone whom  i felt wasn't judging me and whom i believe can actually help me work through some long standing issues in my life.  i think i'm finally ready to accept someone helping me instead of me always helping others.  it's well past time for that.  so, even though i'm emotionally exhausted, i feel some sense of calm tonight. 

having courage fucked me up

came across this today on my fb timeline from 2 years ago.  having courage seems to have fucked me up.  i followed my heart, i took risks, i pissed people off, i believed in love, blah, blah, blah.    that courage has gotten me two years worth of regret and two years older. i guess i was the only one brave enough to actually put it on the line.   

Have the courage.

Have the courage to try.

Have the courage to be you, who you really are.

Have the courage to piss people off by making choices that align with your heart.

Hell, have the courage to follow your heart.

Have the courage to love.

To hope.

To believe in forever.

Have the courage to leave masks behind.

To say screw make-up and beauty products that convince you you’re flawed.

To be real, messy, fleshy, dirty and absolutely delicious.

Have the courage to dismiss labels and styles and to look beyond appearances to souls.

Have the courage to live a life you love.

Really.

To say no. And really mean it.

To not apologize, justify or even offer to make up for it.

Just No.

Have the courage to leave behind the script for normalcy and not feel guilt because it never felt like it fit.

Have the courage to call out fakeness.

The courage to ask for what you need and to walk away from anyone that can’t offer you just that.

Have the courage to believe in the once in a lifetime kind of love.

Have the courage to have confidence in yourself and dreams.

In your visions and beliefs.

In the life YOU want to live.

Because I promise you there’s no gold medal at the end of all this for following the rules of men.

For being or living how we’re supposed to.

How others think we should.

So have the courage...

The courage to truly live.

Author: Kate Rose

the quest for a spotless mind

i told myself i have been writing too much.  is that a thing?  i think it can be in my case.  but the thoughts...the thoughts are constant in my head.  it's like i have to put them down in type or ink to get them out of my head, to get rid of them even if briefly. 

i need to get over it and on with it just like i've had to do with everything else in my life.  it takes me awhile because i tend to cling to the past.  i guess that's normal with great loss.  i feel great loss.  that itself seems ridiculous this time around because what i lost was never really mine to lose.  it only felt that way.  but i was his. 

i take my phone to the bedroom each night, i turn it down so as not to disturb my sleep.  it's a habit i got into when he would send me songs every morning.  the first thing i would do before getting out of bed was to check my phone for that email.  i put a stop to those emails because i was becoming dependent on them.  but after that i would still check my phone each morning, looking for a text, to see if he'd played the word game we shared or left a message there.  i put a stop to those things as well.  i felt like he gave me no choice.  i didn't want to carry this need or dependency for someone or something that seemed futile.  i was too attached and trying to detach.  i still am.  the point is, i wake up every morning and check my phone, then the sadness overwhelms because he's not there.  

i want these feelings i have for him to recede, to at least let up enough i can wake up without him in the forefront of my thoughts each morning.  i carry him with me every single day and it's killing any hope in me for a normal life, or any kind of life without him.  but i can't have a normal life with him, either, unless he would want that.  so right now i guess i know where i stand.  i can acknowledge that over and over but accepting it is far more difficult.  

so here i am again, writing, trying to come to terms.  how does one accept a life like this, where any semblance of joy seems feels so far out of reach it seems inconceivable?  i feel like i need to fix myself, like there must be something wrong with me.   

i feel like i'm joel in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", wanting it all erased.  but in the end, having had their memories of each other erased, he and clementine had a connection that overpowered even that and they began again.  only for us, the memories won't be erased.  and the odds of beginning again?  well, that's up to him.  it always has been.  

so how do i fix my broken self?  i'm trying to find grace within myself but my mind is a hot mess.  to paraphrase clementine, "too many guys think i'm a concept or i'm gonna make them feel alive [and that i have], but i'm just a fucked up girl lookin' for my own peace of mind..."

  

Steps

 I will stand naked in the rain and let it was away me clean.

I will smoke the sacred medicine daily to ease my burdens until I am well.

I will build crystal grids and work magic and healing.

When the leaves turn crimson I will put on my flannel and boots to walk the woods alone until dusk.

I will summon the courage to get in my car and drive to Missouri to sit on a bluff above the river to help clear my head.

I will find a way to make small, meaningless, mindless tasks more meaningful and mindful.

I will seek grace within myself and remind myself there is light inside me.

I will no longer seek love, justice, integrity or understanding outside myself for I've found this to be a fool's search.

I will not ask, beg or expect anything from anyone. I've found this to lead only to disappointment.

I will not bring anyone or anything into my life that isn't necessary only to fill me up or clutter my space.

I will adopt and integrate the Buddhist concept that all suffering comes from desire, that I may quell my desires and find peace, healing and wholeness.

When the snow flies and the nights are long and cold, I will bury myself under a blanket and in books and learning.

And maybe in Spring I will be a new me rising from the tattered remnants of the old me and I will have learned to love the aloneness and solitude.

Maybe then I will have become someone I can live with.

Sallie Royse Cooper

9-9-2020

it feels sad...

 ...when your self induced orgasm leaves you laying on the bed in tears because it was purely mechanical and so damn empty