everything has changed

 

i remember times in my life when i felt optimistic, times when i knew i was loved.

they were long ago and far away.  

i hope someday i might feel and know those things again and not just a facsimile.

maybe tomorrow

maybe tomorrow i won't think about the sweet things we shared.  

maybe i won't think about our last time when i was hesitant and you pulled me back against you at the bedroom window...or maybe at least i won't grow weak in the knees when i do.

maybe tomorrow i won't think about the cinderella slippers i bought just for you or the way you reacted to my ferrari red toes that last weekend together.

maybe i'll forget about your reaction while modeling my lingerie just for you and i won't remember pink aprons and kitty cat ears.

maybe someday i'll forget how your silken hardness felt in my hands or how that first thrust felt when you entered me.

maybe eventually i'll forget how you called me your queen, your gypsy goddess, your pussycat.

maybe i'll forget your smile, your eyes and how you looked at me adoringly.

maybe i'll forget how good it all felt while it was happening and how bad it all felt every time when you left and reality hit.

perhaps i'll forget the songs i can never hear the same again.

i hope i can forget how you slipped your arms around me and drew me close when i met you at the door in my fuzzy black robe or how you worshipped at my feet.

maybe i won't remember all the hot, sweet words that fell from your lips when you fucked me and how it felt to want you fucking me.

maybe i won't think about how i fell so prey to my desire that i pinned you against the cabin wall in my heat.

maybe someday i won't remember how it felt to believe i was really loved.

maybe maybe maybe i will forget all of this and more.

and maybe tomorrow i won't cry.

        

resist resist resist

it's hard resisting contact when the heart wants to reach out, but the mind and common sense tell you nothing good will come of it.  yet still, i cannot imagine this is truly the end.  i fight myself, wanting to instigate communication, but i know he doesn't want me involved in his life anymore.  or maybe he did or does, i have no idea.  all i know is he agreed it would be best for me to step back,  i just know that if i remain in contact, it keeps me vulnerable and hopeful and god knows i'm trying to be strong.  and staying connected is preventing him from what he says are his intentions.  he's hoping to save his marriage.  basically the gist of our last communication was, he's working on the marriage and if it doesn't work out he'll be in touch.  and if i'm not available, he loses.  talk about being gutted and feeling a fool.  how else can i feel when basically i'm told he'll have a place for me if things don't work out at home.  perhaps he forgets that he chose me over his wife to begin with for two fucking years while he was pretending to be the good and loyal husband.  newsflash, how do you have a marriage based on that kind of bullshit?

so my dear, you stay home and behave, keep it in your pants and see how you like it, ok?  i wouldn't give a rats ass if all we ever were to begin with was fuck buddies with no emotional connection, but he went into this from the start as so much more.  he admitted he wasn't a "once and done" kind of guy in any relationship.  he sent me a song every morning until i asked him not to.  why?  because he was romancing me.  he has been romancing me from the start.  the man was and is dying for romance and desire and the kind of love i gave him, yet he will sacrifice both of us out of fear of destroying his life.  his choice.  i think that he thinks that if he gives up his current life it makes him a failure.  what kind of bs is that?

i feel pretty insignificant right now.  i cannot help but wonder, how do you want someone, make love with them like he made love with me, call them whenever the opportunity arose, zoom with them, text nearly every single day and night for two years sharing your feelings, put them on a pedestal, plan weekend getaways with them, sing to them, dance with them, tell them you love them (i remember the email and the first time he told me-out of the blue), cry over them, lose sleep over them, dream of them, wake up wanting them and then tell them you're in counseling trying to save your marriage?  how do you do that?  how do you connect so deeply in every way and then be willing to let that go? and then say you don't want them to hurt?  i pulled away to stop the hurt he was causing me.  and damn it, it still hurts and even if i heal there will always be a scar.  i try not to think about the moments we shared.  it's too painful.  but yet i do think of them and i write about them and i'm tortured by them.  he says he doesn't regret any of it.  i wish i could feel that way.  god how i wish i could.  i think for him our times together are like a fantasy he can pull up on a whim.  for me it's a heartbreak every time i think of those moments, the smiles, the laughs, the sweetness and the heat.  

it's crazy when two people have found what they were looking for...something that went beyond their dreams, and yet here we are, apart, perhaps for good.  my god i have rehashed this all over and over and i still can't understand how he seemed to love me like he did and yet is willing to let me be just a memory. i have been a fool.  a fool, a fool, a fool and i'm not just angry with him, i'm angry with myself.  i feel fucked and not in the nice way, by him and my own foolishness.  he said he always felt a lack of self worth.  maybe that comes from living a facade and playing with people's hearts and lives. 

my rant is over for now.  i didn't plan on saying all of this.  if he reads this, oh well.  i guess i don't owe him anything.  he obviously doesn't feel he owes me anything.  i opened up to him and gave him more of me in the most personal and intimate ways than i've ever given anyone.  and i think he gave me more than he thought he could.  and for what?  i would have been better off never knowing anything like we shared. and never having felt the depth of connection.  i think it was real.  it was for me.  it wasn't a fantasy for me, it was my real world.  my mistake.  

imaginings

 yesterday i didn't cry.  today i'm not so strong.

i left the house early to run some errands.  not wanting to return home to the same place and same things, i i drove through for a coffee and headed to the park across the river from downtown.  there are two, one directly behind town, the other across the river from it.  not my preferable one, but the other one is still under improvement construction. 

i parked my car, fought off a yellow jacket who had entered through the window.  i got out but he stayed in, so then proceeded a ten minute battle of getting him out of my car without making him angry enough to sting me.  success was mine after which i proceeded with coffee and book in hand to a small pavilion.

i've been rereading "illusions" by richard bach for the umpteenth time.  a small book one is able to read in a single setting.  but i have chosen this time to savor the words that seem to affect my spirit so.  i knew i would finish the book there at the park today.  there was never a more perfect time to do so with the sun shimmering like diamonds on the water and the sky so blue and clear.  

nearing the end of the story i felt such sorrow i cried, not only because of a scene in the story but because i was nearing the end of the book.  whenever you love something, the ending of it is hard to bear.  i allowed the tears to come for a moment or two, then watched a young man get out of his car, fishing pole in hand and walk down to the dock to cast his line.  

in the book, the reluctant messiah teaches his flying companion how to manifest by imagining.  whether anyone believes it or not, we are capable when we believe.  so i decided to do just that.  i envisioned my love having dropped his suitcase in the other room, standing in the kitchen.  he slid his arms around me, his eyes smiling while i stroked his whiskers.  i touched my fingers to his lips, tracing their outline before i kissed them.  no words were spoken until i looked up into his eyes and he said, "here i am.  i'm yours."  and we both smiled and we both cried.  as the vision faded, i found i was crying because it felt so real.  

afterwards, considering the words i'd recently read, that perhaps i should start smaller, despite knowing i have manifested big things in my life.  so i envisioned a yellow flower and let the thought go.  i gathered my book and my by now empty coffee cup and started walking up the path by the river, heading towards a bench near the water to sit in the sunshine and watch two ducks, obviously a couple, that i'd noticed earlier.  as i sat there considering these two ducks, one a  mallard, one a plain white duck, i thought about how wonderfully simple there lives were.  they weren't worrying about anything, perfectly content to be in the water, grooming themselves. no concern as to what anyone thought or cared, no worry about food or shelter or tomorrow.  oh to be a duck.  and as i sat there i noticed the plant growth along the river bank right in front of me.  tall, leafy, clusters of plants and atop each one were yellow blossoms. 

finally it was time to return to the car and head home.  i would have stayed but the coffee had made my leaving necessary.  as i was looking down to avoid stepping in geese droppings before stepping onto the path, i noticed that the ground was covered in tiny yellow flowers.  

life is like a movie script.  we write the beginning and endings and everything in between in regard to and often in conjunction with others simply by our imagining.  we just so often tend to forget we are playing a part in the illusion and that we have any real part in how it he movie goes or how it ends.  wasn't it einstein who said, "imagination is everything"?

in wrapping this up, i'll add a "verse" from the messiah's handbook in "illusions":

"in order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom.  it is not always an easy sacrifice."  

dreams

i awoke this morning and followed my usual steps.  bathroom, take care of the dogs, make a cup of coffee, grab a smoke and head to my computer before actually starting the day.  but this morning something strange happened that i have no explanation for.  as i approached my desk to sit, my alexa device came on without any prompting whatsoever and played this song.  seems fitting. 

i hope the rain washes you clean and you'll know.

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully
To the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again
I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams
And have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
Oh, thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, you'll know

cloud gazing

i saw the goddess in the clouds

and as she drifted by

i watched a flame rise from her belly

there was no need to question why

then near her feet a tiger lay

so obvious and clear

i smiled to see my totem

reminding me he's near

for just awhile i found peace

in the vision i received

so grateful for the message

and what time i didn't grieve

i would like the chance

 ...to show you how it could be,

what might be.

but perhaps i am living in an illusion.

i hope that's all it is.

if not we will both lose.  

i would like the opportunity

to be happy in love,

to not just love

but to remain in love,

to nurture the desire we share.

the two of us could do that.

i know this.

but you have to want this

as much as i do.

you say you want more,

you want your freedom.

you could have that

and still have me.

i do not need you

to insure me 

or feed me

or house me

or take care of me.

i simply want you to be free enough

to make a little room for me.

drawing down the moon

it rained so i did not lay naked on the ground.  instead i stood in the dark, the moon hidden by the clouds, bearing my nakedness and my soul to the elements.  tears came and i begged All That Is for peace and hope and healing.  i closed my eyes and imagined the moon, invoking the goddess, and as she appeared i raised my arms to bathe in her light and breathe her into me, humbled by her presence and by all that surrounds in nature.  the planets, the elements have existed for millennia.  our lives here are so small and temporary.  the meaning anything in our lives has is that which we give it.  if there is greater meaning, it is a mystery to us and has always been.      

i want

 i want...

to cuddle naked

bodies touching

heat rising

lips meeting

hands reaching

bodies melding

i want...

to feel your desire growing 

tangible 

in my hand

against my skin

against my lips

i want...

to feel your fingers

explore my body

touching

teasing

penetrating me

i want...

your words of worship

that flow effortlessly

from your mouth

like honey

and fire

i want

i want

i want

glimmer

 i can sometimes feel it

a tiny pulse within a pulse

like that flash you catch in the corner of your eye

that you're not sure you really saw

i have to believe in it 

i have to trust my choice

(at least i had the courage to make one)

when there's no one or nothing else i can trust

and even then i question

i have been drowning

in the muck and mire 

of indecision

hearing only what i want to hear

believing only what i want to be true

i have fallen prey to words and touch

to wishes and dreams

to others needs   and my own

i have given all and accepted less

trying to convince myself it was enough

it is time to come home to myself again

to let go of fairy tale dreams

and ground myself in what is

instead of what isn't

to recognize that all i have is me

and no matter how much more i want

no matter how much i have to give

somehow i must be enough

for me

so i dry my tears

hold my hands over my heart

and tell myself hope lives here

maybe one day 

i will believe

tonight

i have a date with the moon tonight

and a promise to show up as my true self,

to bathe naked in her light.

i will wear only moonstone as a bridge

between the moon and me

and hematite to ground me in the truth.

i will allow her light to permeate my dark places

and all the fragmented pieces of myself

so i may become a more compassionate friend to myself

to end pisces cycle of old beliefs and limitations

and heal wounds both old and recent.

i will petition mother moon

to help me to no longer condemn my feelings and sensitivities

but instead hold them close to bless them

and thank them for their medicine 

so i am able to release them and begin fresh.