resist resist resist

it's hard resisting contact when the heart wants to reach out, but the mind and common sense tell you nothing good will come of it.  yet still, i cannot imagine this is truly the end.  i fight myself, wanting to instigate communication, but i know he doesn't want me involved in his life anymore.  or maybe he did or does, i have no idea.  all i know is he agreed it would be best for me to step back,  i just know that if i remain in contact, it keeps me vulnerable and hopeful and god knows i'm trying to be strong.  and staying connected is preventing him from what he says are his intentions.  he's hoping to save his marriage.  basically the gist of our last communication was, he's working on the marriage and if it doesn't work out he'll be in touch.  and if i'm not available, he loses.  talk about being gutted and feeling a fool.  how else can i feel when basically i'm told he'll have a place for me if things don't work out at home.  perhaps he forgets that he chose me over his wife to begin with for two fucking years while he was pretending to be the good and loyal husband.  newsflash, how do you have a marriage based on that kind of bullshit?

so my dear, you stay home and behave, keep it in your pants and see how you like it, ok?  i wouldn't give a rats ass if all we ever were to begin with was fuck buddies with no emotional connection, but he went into this from the start as so much more.  he admitted he wasn't a "once and done" kind of guy in any relationship.  he sent me a song every morning until i asked him not to.  why?  because he was romancing me.  he has been romancing me from the start.  the man was and is dying for romance and desire and the kind of love i gave him, yet he will sacrifice both of us out of fear of destroying his life.  his choice.  i think that he thinks that if he gives up his current life it makes him a failure.  what kind of bs is that?

i feel pretty insignificant right now.  i cannot help but wonder, how do you want someone, make love with them like he made love with me, call them whenever the opportunity arose, zoom with them, text nearly every single day and night for two years sharing your feelings, put them on a pedestal, plan weekend getaways with them, sing to them, dance with them, tell them you love them (i remember the email and the first time he told me-out of the blue), cry over them, lose sleep over them, dream of them, wake up wanting them and then tell them you're in counseling trying to save your marriage?  how do you do that?  how do you connect so deeply in every way and then be willing to let that go? and then say you don't want them to hurt?  i pulled away to stop the hurt he was causing me.  and damn it, it still hurts and even if i heal there will always be a scar.  i try not to think about the moments we shared.  it's too painful.  but yet i do think of them and i write about them and i'm tortured by them.  he says he doesn't regret any of it.  i wish i could feel that way.  god how i wish i could.  i think for him our times together are like a fantasy he can pull up on a whim.  for me it's a heartbreak every time i think of those moments, the smiles, the laughs, the sweetness and the heat.  

it's crazy when two people have found what they were looking for...something that went beyond their dreams, and yet here we are, apart, perhaps for good.  my god i have rehashed this all over and over and i still can't understand how he seemed to love me like he did and yet is willing to let me be just a memory. i have been a fool.  a fool, a fool, a fool and i'm not just angry with him, i'm angry with myself.  i feel fucked and not in the nice way, by him and my own foolishness.  he said he always felt a lack of self worth.  maybe that comes from living a facade and playing with people's hearts and lives. 

my rant is over for now.  i didn't plan on saying all of this.  if he reads this, oh well.  i guess i don't owe him anything.  he obviously doesn't feel he owes me anything.  i opened up to him and gave him more of me in the most personal and intimate ways than i've ever given anyone.  and i think he gave me more than he thought he could.  and for what?  i would have been better off never knowing anything like we shared. and never having felt the depth of connection.  i think it was real.  it was for me.  it wasn't a fantasy for me, it was my real world.  my mistake.