underrated strength

doing things on my own...some people may not think it's a big deal, but for me, having been in a relationships for nearly 40 years of my life, it was. but i was determined after mark died to adapt. i mean, did i have a choice really? 

i can't tell you how many times i was eating lunch alone or shopping alone, that i would break down in tears. i didn't want to be there alone and i missed him so much. but i kept forcing myself to go out and do it again and again. i knew i had to or never have any quality of life. i'm happy to say i finally got to the point where it seemed ok to do more things on my own. it's pretty much the norm these days because, well, i am alone 99% of the time.  not only has mark been gone for 3 years, but 2 of my best buds have moved to other states and i ended a third friendship by choice.  funny that i chose to stay in this little town because i had friends here.

the trip to london in the spring of 2019 was a challenge because my son was in conference for 3 days and i was on my own in an unfamiliar city in an unfamiliar country.  i admit i spent the first day alone in the hotel room, feeling incapable of leaving. yeah, i wasted a whole day in london sniveling in a hotel room. i got so angry, depressed and disappointed with myself for wasting a whole day wrapped up in my insecurity i was determined not to waste any more days.  the next day i got out and even took a bus on my own. it was a little confusing and stressful at times and like i said, maybe not a big deal to some, but for me that was a huge step. i did it!  and doing that gave me more confidence in myself overall. 

after that i even started going to the city pool regularly and ALONE and that is something because for years i wouldn't go at all.  why?  because i was too insecure and ashamed of my appearance. it's sad it took me so many years to like myself well enough to not give a fuck about things like that.  i think when living alone you better learn to like yourself or you're in bad company. 

so anyhow, kudos to all the people who've had to learn to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone and walk alone. we are braver than you might think.

flash burn

you
on your knees at my feet
i can never forget
those eyes
pleading my approval
your submission
craving my permission
my beautiful man
my precious boy
that moment seared into my memory
my god how i love you

7-4-20

a little inspiration

i want to write

tonight i want to write about the passion
how he grabs my hips and tugs my hair
how we share the mutual dance
of dominance and submission

i want to speak of the tenderness
yet the raw lust as well
how we make love
and how we fuck

how despite what goes on behind closed doors
no matter how hot and dirty it gets
there is such trust
and respect for one another

how he submits completely
seeking my command and approval
with the wide eyed innocence of a boy
that causes me to adore him even more

how he takes command
never tiring of exploring me
watching and sensing the depth of my response
making my pleasure his very own

i want to speak with him
of these moments we've shared
and memories we've made
but it's not always possible

so i reminisce and write
and as i do i imagine and relive it
rekindling my desire for him
for us
for what we know

i write in bits and pieces
remembering what has been
to make it more than fantasy
to make it solid and real

i want to think and write tomorrows
instead of only yesterdays
but there is only then and now
so instead i hold my breath

the only dream worth having (quote)

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget"
~Arundhati Roy

fear v love

a little motivation

each day i wonder

each morning i awake and think i will go about the day, living my life, keeping busy, distancing and distracting myself from thoughts of him.  does it work?  never.

instead the opposite... i am distracted by thoughts of him, of conversations and laughter, of sweet kisses and uncontrollable passion.  i reminisce about the way his skin feels, the way he looks at me, the heat and the sweetness of it all.

daily my mind does battle with me.  deservedness and hope vs inadequacy and pointlessness, wondering when i'll become too old to be desirable, when will it become too complicated to be with me, when will i no longer be worth the effort?

every day i wonder if i am being a fool for love, simply causing myself more grief than necessary.  but i can't seem to live without loving and needing to feel loved by the man i love. 

my mind runs in circles.  

too often i look in the mirror and see myself aging, noticing every line on my face and what little youth i have fading.  am i his fantasy until i'm too old to be?  is he living his fantasy while knowing the day will come when he can fall back into his life having at least experienced that?  he has a life to fall back on when all is said and done.  i have him and only myself to fall back on when i am too old to be wanted, needed, desired.  

then i think, am i creating a false scenario?  i have no way of knowing.  is he deceiving himself and me in the process without even realizing it?  does he question not only his own future but mine as well?  his own, yes.  mine?  probably not.  should i settle for less than i have known with him?  or should i just resign myself to what this is until it no longer is and i end up with nothing but bittersweet memories and an empty place in my heart?

and why do i have all these feelings and fears?  because there is no real commitment. there are no guarantees or promises.  because he is married, but realistically that's the reality of life regardless of that or any circumstance, so why do i put myself through this?  

i was and am more ok this time around than the times prior.  i cried tuesday night because i knew it would soon be over, that we would return to our "normal" lives, that i would go on missing him, wanting him, loving him.  i do wonder if my presence in his life is even fair to him.  analysis to paralysis as mark would say.  

i sometimes think i was born to grieve.  not that i feel victimized, but simply a sense of loss and always seeking or wanting the unattainable because even when i find what i want, it's never really mine.  or maybe it's mine, i just don't get to keep it.

i learned a long time ago that the only real thing is love.  the only thing that matters and that makes life worth living is love.  and ultimately you will be willing to sacrifice everything else you know just to know love.  i know this so well.  i suppose that's why i have been willing to sacrifice my sanity and be such a fool....to know a love like this.     

to quote a line from the movie that has stuck for years because of the simple truth of it:

“There are only four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.” ― Don Juan DeMarco   

and this...i want the world to know!  i want to share this beautiful being with others in my life.  i hate keeping it in the shadows, knowing others won't understand, that i'll be judged for loving a married man, that people will assume i'm being used.   when something feels so right and so beautiful i want to spread it around, to share it with my friends, to make it real in the world.  but i can't for his sake and my own.  

and i wonder how it feels when he takes off his wedding band to be with me.  

authentcity

necessary reminders at 4 am

in order to create something new one has to let go of something old.  we can't get to the future by looking in the rear view mirror or holding onto what no longer serves who we are now.

life is conflict, but it's through conflict we learn and grow and make changes.  problems create new opportunity and growth.

what you think and believe determines the quality of your life. beating yourself up never makes things better. 

(now maybe after creating this meme and reminding myself of these things i can sleep)

there are men

there are men who aren't afraid to be vulnerable
who are willing to open up and share the truth of their feelings

there are men who aren't afraid of a woman's emotions or intimidated by her intelligence

there are men who are awake, who are masters at observing details and know how to take it all in and be moved by the beauty in life

there are men who can look into your eyes, exposing their soul while seeing yours

there are men who aren't afraid to hold your hand or kiss you in public because they can't resist and don't care what anyone might think

there are men who are respectful of and humbled by the magic of a woman, who seek the warmth and wisdom you embody

these are the men who make the world a better place because they are genuine, not embodying what they think it means to be a man, but simply by being a man

there are men like this.  i know because this is the man i love

for J
6-21-20

no fear