instead the opposite... i am distracted by thoughts of him, of conversations and laughter, of sweet kisses and uncontrollable passion. i reminisce about the way his skin feels, the way he looks at me, the heat and the sweetness of it all.
daily my mind does battle with me. deservedness and hope vs inadequacy and pointlessness, wondering when i'll become too old to be desirable, when will it become too complicated to be with me, when will i no longer be worth the effort?
every day i wonder if i am being a fool for love, simply causing myself more grief than necessary. but i can't seem to live without loving and needing to feel loved by the man i love.
my mind runs in circles.
too often i look in the mirror and see myself aging, noticing every line on my face and what little youth i have fading. am i his fantasy until i'm too old to be? is he living his fantasy while knowing the day will come when he can fall back into his life having at least experienced that? he has a life to fall back on when all is said and done. i have him and only myself to fall back on when i am too old to be wanted, needed, desired.
then i think, am i creating a false scenario? i have no way of knowing. is he deceiving himself and me in the process without even realizing it? does he question not only his own future but mine as well? his own, yes. mine? probably not. should i settle for less than i have known with him? or should i just resign myself to what this is until it no longer is and i end up with nothing but bittersweet memories and an empty place in my heart?
and why do i have all these feelings and fears? because there is no real commitment. there are no guarantees or promises. because he is married, but realistically that's the reality of life regardless of that or any circumstance, so why do i put myself through this?
i was and am more ok this time around than the times prior. i cried tuesday night because i knew it would soon be over, that we would return to our "normal" lives, that i would go on missing him, wanting him, loving him. i do wonder if my presence in his life is even fair to him. analysis to paralysis as mark would say.
i sometimes think i was born to grieve. not that i feel victimized, but simply a sense of loss and always seeking or wanting the unattainable because even when i find what i want, it's never really mine. or maybe it's mine, i just don't get to keep it.
i learned a long time ago that the only real thing is love. the only thing that matters and that makes life worth living is love. and ultimately you will be willing to sacrifice everything else you know just to know love. i know this so well. i suppose that's why i have been willing to sacrifice my sanity and be such a fool....to know a love like this.
to quote a line from the movie that has stuck for years because of the simple truth of it:
“There are only four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.” ―
and this...i want the world to know! i want to share this beautiful being with others in my life. i hate keeping it in the shadows, knowing others won't understand, that i'll be judged for loving a married man, that people will assume i'm being used. when something feels so right and so beautiful i want to spread it around, to share it with my friends, to make it real in the world. but i can't for his sake and my own.
and i wonder how it feels when he takes off his wedding band to be with me.
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