underrated strength

doing things on my own...some people may not think it's a big deal, but for me, having been in a relationships for nearly 40 years of my life, it was. but i was determined after mark died to adapt. i mean, did i have a choice really? 

i can't tell you how many times i was eating lunch alone or shopping alone, that i would break down in tears. i didn't want to be there alone and i missed him so much. but i kept forcing myself to go out and do it again and again. i knew i had to or never have any quality of life. i'm happy to say i finally got to the point where it seemed ok to do more things on my own. it's pretty much the norm these days because, well, i am alone 99% of the time.  not only has mark been gone for 3 years, but 2 of my best buds have moved to other states and i ended a third friendship by choice.  funny that i chose to stay in this little town because i had friends here.

the trip to london in the spring of 2019 was a challenge because my son was in conference for 3 days and i was on my own in an unfamiliar city in an unfamiliar country.  i admit i spent the first day alone in the hotel room, feeling incapable of leaving. yeah, i wasted a whole day in london sniveling in a hotel room. i got so angry, depressed and disappointed with myself for wasting a whole day wrapped up in my insecurity i was determined not to waste any more days.  the next day i got out and even took a bus on my own. it was a little confusing and stressful at times and like i said, maybe not a big deal to some, but for me that was a huge step. i did it!  and doing that gave me more confidence in myself overall. 

after that i even started going to the city pool regularly and ALONE and that is something because for years i wouldn't go at all.  why?  because i was too insecure and ashamed of my appearance. it's sad it took me so many years to like myself well enough to not give a fuck about things like that.  i think when living alone you better learn to like yourself or you're in bad company. 

so anyhow, kudos to all the people who've had to learn to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone and walk alone. we are braver than you might think.