friday lunchtime thoughts

from the vantage point of my kitchen table i can sit and see nothing but green maple leaves dancing in the breeze. from that same spot with windows open i can feel the warm waft of summer brush against my bare arms and hear the sound of neighborhood children squealing in the joy of their childhood days.

as i eat my lunch consisting of a cheeseburger with a thick slice of tomato and onion and a healthy squirt of mustard. i meditate on everything and everyone it took to bring this midday meal to my table and my tastebuds. the cow who sacrificed its life and the one who provided the milk for the cheese. the farmers who tended the cows and raised the wheat for the bread and the mustard, tomato and onion to adorn it, the meat, dairy and produce workers, the delivery people. no, i don't thank god personally, i simply become grateful and humble in thanking the plants, animals and people that graced my hungry belly with such tasty sustenance. i believe that simply thanking god without contemplation keeps us from being truly awake, truly grateful and truly humble in receiving the bounty. god does provide, but only through nature, life and the acts of ourselves and others. when we meditate on the details we become acutely aware and sincere in our gratitude and even a burger becomes sublime.

just my friday lunchtime thoughts. <3

there is a man

...one who studies me, noticing all my nuances, who explores me and falls at my feet worshipping me like i am holy.  there is a man who is not only unafraid of my feminine power, but who feeds on it and glories in it.  this is a man who seeks out my unleashed passion and sees it as a privilege to take me to the highest ecstasy, who knows intuitively how to make me shudder in bliss and takes pride in his ability to do so.  yes i've found a man who recognizes he is in the presence of the sublime as he submits before me to pay tribute to the goddess incarnate.  this is a man who is beyond the ordinary in the way he thinks, the way he responds, the way he is...a man who communes with my body, mind and soul to create magic and magnificence only the two of us can possibly know.

madness

she is magic and midnight lace

tossing
turning

tortured in the night by the yearning for her lover

she weaves dreams of seduction in her madness

as the fire burns relentlessly in her loins

she
 envisioning his presence

reaching out across the ether to touch her ghostly lover

inviting him to her bed 
her arms
casting her spell

seducing him with her hunger

honoring Nanaya

paying homage to Rati

becoming the goddess incarnate

dawn comes and she awakens
remembering the night

the visions

the passion

the pleasure

reaching for him across an empty bed

only to be left questioning what is real

smc
7-22-20

gumption and grace

i was once fierce and independent because i needed to be, had to be.  i was my own and on my own.  i chose to be different from the rest.  i wanted to be.

then came a time when that spirit in me was broken.  i became weak, dependent, afraid.  the light that had once burned as bright as july's sun now barely flickered.  (what you think is love is often not.)

but the time came i had to stand alone again.  i was forced to reclaim the woman i had been, to remember the one i was, free of control and compromise.

and now?  now i am comfortable in my independence.  i have fought hard, walked through fire, muck and mire, been broken by tragedy and loss on this journey to find this place and welcome this woman home.  yet there is an emptiness and when the night is long and the yearning is strong, i ask the heavens for the one who will complete me.

i still believe in the magic of love.

s.cooper

lessons learned

we make plans...the best of plans and yet we can never know for sure how things will turn out.  sometimes as expected but sometimes not.  the only way we'll ever know is to take that step forward.  eventually you will get to where you need to be even if there are detours and even if it's not where you expected to be.

here are just a few of the things i've learned in my years on this planet:

• we humans are extremely resilient 
• life's journey is a path to finding ourselves and discovering what really matters  
• if we pay attention, life often guides us with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs
• if we don't decide what we want and what's best for us someone else will decide for us
• we all make "mistakes" but are they really mistakes?
• quiet your thoughts and trust your gut 
• change is inevitable and necessary
• not choosing is choosing
• the straightest path to self growth is followed by stepping into our fear
• you have to become your own savior because no one else is going to rescue you
• there comes a time when you have to choose what's best for you not necessarily what's best for everyone else
• material things don't matter much
• loss is inevitable
• you will survive
• keep the faith
• breathe deeply, exhale.  repeat as often as necessary and let that shit go
• life goes on
• love is the greatest healer, the greatest gift and in the end, all that really matters

how to make peace with yourself in one easy step

witch

A Witch by Edward Robert Hughes, 1902

in the past i have entertained the thought that i might be a bit crazy
but honestly i knew better

people have called me a witch, a bitch, eccentric
even radical at times
and yes, i have been and can be all those things

these definitions are limited but are all part of who i am
i am more
i am me
i am not trying to be anyone else

it does not make me crazy for knowing what i know
saying what i think
and feeling all i feel

i talk to the plants
rub fresh herbs between my fingers to breath the intensity of their aroma
and caress my lips with rose petals to feel their silken kiss

i make magic
with herbs and oils and crystals

i lay bare breasted under the sun
and dance naked under the moon

i hurt easily
and hide when i hurt
howling like a wounded animal into the ether

i love intensely
and only
only when i am loved
do i fly

7-7-2020

half isn't whole

the great balancer

we require intimacy, sexual expression and fulfillment in order to find grace amidst the chaos of life.  i believe it is a basic human need and having it fulfilled is necessary for our physical and emotional well being.  intimacy is the place we hold space for our vulnerability and our partner's vulnerability.  allowing ourselves and our partner to be vulnerable, expressive and free empowers both of us to face the challenges we confront daily.  if we have no intimacy, no safe place where we can revel in connection we are often left feeling cheated and struggling to function in a balanced way. 

thought

you cannot save a sinking ship.  the best you can do is jump and try to save yourself.

underrated strength

doing things on my own...some people may not think it's a big deal, but for me, having been in a relationships for nearly 40 years of my life, it was. but i was determined after mark died to adapt. i mean, did i have a choice really? 

i can't tell you how many times i was eating lunch alone or shopping alone, that i would break down in tears. i didn't want to be there alone and i missed him so much. but i kept forcing myself to go out and do it again and again. i knew i had to or never have any quality of life. i'm happy to say i finally got to the point where it seemed ok to do more things on my own. it's pretty much the norm these days because, well, i am alone 99% of the time.  not only has mark been gone for 3 years, but 2 of my best buds have moved to other states and i ended a third friendship by choice.  funny that i chose to stay in this little town because i had friends here.

the trip to london in the spring of 2019 was a challenge because my son was in conference for 3 days and i was on my own in an unfamiliar city in an unfamiliar country.  i admit i spent the first day alone in the hotel room, feeling incapable of leaving. yeah, i wasted a whole day in london sniveling in a hotel room. i got so angry, depressed and disappointed with myself for wasting a whole day wrapped up in my insecurity i was determined not to waste any more days.  the next day i got out and even took a bus on my own. it was a little confusing and stressful at times and like i said, maybe not a big deal to some, but for me that was a huge step. i did it!  and doing that gave me more confidence in myself overall. 

after that i even started going to the city pool regularly and ALONE and that is something because for years i wouldn't go at all.  why?  because i was too insecure and ashamed of my appearance. it's sad it took me so many years to like myself well enough to not give a fuck about things like that.  i think when living alone you better learn to like yourself or you're in bad company. 

so anyhow, kudos to all the people who've had to learn to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone and walk alone. we are braver than you might think.

flash burn

you
on your knees at my feet
i can never forget
those eyes
pleading my approval
your submission
craving my permission
my beautiful man
my precious boy
that moment seared into my memory
my god how i love you

7-4-20

a little inspiration

i want to write

tonight i want to write about the passion
how he grabs my hips and tugs my hair
how we share the mutual dance
of dominance and submission

i want to speak of the tenderness
yet the raw lust as well
how we make love
and how we fuck

how despite what goes on behind closed doors
no matter how hot and dirty it gets
there is such trust
and respect for one another

how he submits completely
seeking my command and approval
with the wide eyed innocence of a boy
that causes me to adore him even more

how he takes command
never tiring of exploring me
watching and sensing the depth of my response
making my pleasure his very own

i want to speak with him
of these moments we've shared
and memories we've made
but it's not always possible

so i reminisce and write
and as i do i imagine and relive it
rekindling my desire for him
for us
for what we know

i write in bits and pieces
remembering what has been
to make it more than fantasy
to make it solid and real

i want to think and write tomorrows
instead of only yesterdays
but there is only then and now
so instead i hold my breath

the only dream worth having (quote)

"The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget"
~Arundhati Roy

fear v love

a little motivation

each day i wonder

each morning i awake and think i will go about the day, living my life, keeping busy, distancing and distracting myself from thoughts of him.  does it work?  never.

instead the opposite... i am distracted by thoughts of him, of conversations and laughter, of sweet kisses and uncontrollable passion.  i reminisce about the way his skin feels, the way he looks at me, the heat and the sweetness of it all.

daily my mind does battle with me.  deservedness and hope vs inadequacy and pointlessness, wondering when i'll become too old to be desirable, when will it become too complicated to be with me, when will i no longer be worth the effort?

every day i wonder if i am being a fool for love, simply causing myself more grief than necessary.  but i can't seem to live without loving and needing to feel loved by the man i love. 

my mind runs in circles.  

too often i look in the mirror and see myself aging, noticing every line on my face and what little youth i have fading.  am i his fantasy until i'm too old to be?  is he living his fantasy while knowing the day will come when he can fall back into his life having at least experienced that?  he has a life to fall back on when all is said and done.  i have him and only myself to fall back on when i am too old to be wanted, needed, desired.  

then i think, am i creating a false scenario?  i have no way of knowing.  is he deceiving himself and me in the process without even realizing it?  does he question not only his own future but mine as well?  his own, yes.  mine?  probably not.  should i settle for less than i have known with him?  or should i just resign myself to what this is until it no longer is and i end up with nothing but bittersweet memories and an empty place in my heart?

and why do i have all these feelings and fears?  because there is no real commitment. there are no guarantees or promises.  because he is married, but realistically that's the reality of life regardless of that or any circumstance, so why do i put myself through this?  

i was and am more ok this time around than the times prior.  i cried tuesday night because i knew it would soon be over, that we would return to our "normal" lives, that i would go on missing him, wanting him, loving him.  i do wonder if my presence in his life is even fair to him.  analysis to paralysis as mark would say.  

i sometimes think i was born to grieve.  not that i feel victimized, but simply a sense of loss and always seeking or wanting the unattainable because even when i find what i want, it's never really mine.  or maybe it's mine, i just don't get to keep it.

i learned a long time ago that the only real thing is love.  the only thing that matters and that makes life worth living is love.  and ultimately you will be willing to sacrifice everything else you know just to know love.  i know this so well.  i suppose that's why i have been willing to sacrifice my sanity and be such a fool....to know a love like this.     

to quote a line from the movie that has stuck for years because of the simple truth of it:

“There are only four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.” ― Don Juan DeMarco   

and this...i want the world to know!  i want to share this beautiful being with others in my life.  i hate keeping it in the shadows, knowing others won't understand, that i'll be judged for loving a married man, that people will assume i'm being used.   when something feels so right and so beautiful i want to spread it around, to share it with my friends, to make it real in the world.  but i can't for his sake and my own.  

and i wonder how it feels when he takes off his wedding band to be with me.