the purpose of life

 

strong enough

 

blah blah blah again

 i want to matter but everything around me says i don't so i'm trying to matter to myself.  

i have a handful of friends, none close anymore, my kids and my fur kids, none of which make me feel wanted, none of which can give me any sense of purpose or belonging.

i want to care about something bigger than me.  i guess i do and that's what's so hard.  i have no business caring about what i actually do care about.  

i try to step back and tell myself, "these are just feelings".  i try to replace one thought with a totally benign thought.  

i try to observe my thoughts and feelings rather than succumb to them.  it works for a minute, maybe a day or two, then i'm right back here, wanting, wishing, wallowing.  

somedays i hate my life and i hate myself for what i've become, for what i think i've always been.  

i want to be enough, for myself, for somebody, but i'm not feeling it.  

i can't live like this.  this isn't living.  this feels like a slow death.  

sometimes i think, "why not just get it over with", but there's that minuscule, dim hope that maybe somehow something might change.  

this love affair has done me in, lifted me then destroyed me.  without realizing it, i was looking for something to make me thrive and feel alive.  what a fool i've been.  life would be so much easier had i never known what it felt like to be wanted, to be held, to feel adored, loved and to be able to express all i had inside.  was it worth this pain?  no no no, a thousand times no.   

fuck you, fuck me, fuck my life again and again and again. 

no one wants to hear this shit.  not even me.  yet hear i am, crying, screaming, beating my fists and kicking my feet, spilling my guts, spewing pointless words and not a god damn thing changes.  so i do the dishes, care for the dogs, take a shower and play a part, pretending like any of it matters when none of it really does.  they are just motions that get me from one day into the next, without purpose, without intention with a shred of hope that they will get me to a point where something actually does matter.

isn't life supposed to be precious, have some meaning?  

i watch my daughter dying, dedicated to making the best of what's left of her life.  what strength!  i wish i could give her mine, trade it, give her more time.  more time to be with the man she loves, more time to live big and passionately like she knows how to...she would know what to do with it because i certainly don't.  maybe i never did.   

i want to find meaning and passion, but i know where i find those things.  i find those things in the one i love, the one i share intimate moments with.  i find those things in showering love and affection on the one i love.  i find those things in being loved and cherished by the one i love and cherish.  don't we all?  am i so unusual?  am i so foolish to want what i have known?  maybe i am.  maybe you only get so much in one lifetime...but i don't necessarily believe it has to be that way.  but then i think, i'm old, maybe i should just give up.  and maybe i should, but it's easier said than done.  you don't stop loving someone just because you should.  you don't stop wanting these things or loving someone just because you should.  if that were the case i certainly would.  

 

this ain't no poker game

you hold onto her while holding onto me while i am torn between holding on and letting go.

why, if you love someone and they love you, do you have to work so hard to hold on and make it work?

that question isn't about us.

seems to me you're treading water, trying to grab hold of an imaginary shore. 

maybe it was real at one time, maybe it's not anymore.

are you trying to recreate the past or just too afraid to jump forward?

and me?  where do i come in?  as a backup plan?

like you said, you're subconsciously looking forward to being with me, so where is your heart?

are you getting what you want?  

don't you wonder if you're living in an illusion?

do you think you can forfeit passion for morality and be satisfied?

can you quell those feelings you hold for me, pretend you don't feel them. pretend that you love her and want a life with her while fantasizing about us?

do you even know what you want?  if so, please say it.  SAY IT!  i can take it! 

deny the truth all you want, but you have a choice to make.  you can't have us both so it's time to let one of us go.  you can never be fully present with her as long as you're thinking of me.  

do you want me while living with her?  if so, where is your love for her?  

do you feel guilty when you're with me?  if not, then where is the love for her?  

yes, you can hold love for both of us, but what do you want?  who do you want?  

you have to know that you will never have with her what you have with me.  it doesn't work that way.  if you're willing to settle, then settle and let me go.  

how long will you hold on, believing you're working toward a happier outcome?  

can you change who you are and what you want?  if so, more power to you.  if not, can you cash it in?  can you cash us in?  

you're playing a game of chance, hoping for the payout.  like kenny rogers sang, "you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to talk away, know when to run".    if you can't, you better remove yourself from the game.  

i'm not your ace up the sleeve.

 

trying

 

some days i do well

some days i do well some of the day and not so well some of the day.

some days i don't do well at all.

today was one of those days when i felt strong and sure of myself.  then the night closed in on me and now all i feel is sad.

sad because i miss him.  sad because everything seems so pointless at times and you wonder why you're even alive.  sad because i crave his company and the intimacy we shared.  i don't want to live without it and without feeling that love and giving love.  

i want to cry and let it out but it all seems to be caught in my throat.

he says i'm luckier than i know.  how am i lucky?  because i'm trying to get my shit together?  i don't have it together just yet.  i'm simply trying to continue and accept whatever comes and whatever follows.  i don't feel lucky.  i'm in fucking survival mode.  i'm eating too much, not sleeping enough (even though sleeping is all i feel like doing) and pretending i'm ok even when i'm not because i'm tired of the shit i've been going through.  i'm tired of loss and i'm tired of myself and this pathetic excuse for a life.  and i'm tired of wanting more.  

yeah, i'm making plans here and there to do things but i'm not excited about any of them.  in fact i'm apathetic about life in general.  i am forcing myself to be a little proactive, literally forcing myself. i feel if i don't i will simply sit here in this house and succumb to an even more reclusive life.  

i seldom leave except to get a few things at the store or buy cigarettes.  it is thursday already and i have left twice this week, only to drop my dogs off and pick them back up from their grooming appointment a couple of hours later.

i will leave the house again on friday to see my therapist and from there come back home.  maybe i'll feel good enough to stop at hermann woods on my way home and take a walk if i think my foot can handle it.

everything is a maybe. 

this life don't seem

much like livin'

when there ain't 

no place for givin'

all of my love

all of my love

all of my love

i'm gainin' weight

and losin' sleep

we never should've 

gone so deep

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

thoughts like razors

cut my mind

until it bleeds

until i'm blind

with all of this love

all of this love

all of this love

i'm still here

but none can see

that's it's not really

all of me

because of this love

all of this love

all of this love

the darkness comes

it permeates

while i wonder

while i wait

for all of his love

all of his love

all of his love

-smrc

    

Here's Where You Belong ...

You can change the mask you wear
But not the way you feel inside
Bury your head into the sands
But that won't let you hide
Your mind it is a battleground
Your brain's a raging storm

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

The sins of childhood cannot be erased
Like a paper tattoo
But, babe, don't let that drag you down
Like they're expecting it to do
Yesterday's failure is today's success
The path can be easily shown

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Ah, Mister Grown Man
Question mark held in your hand
Tell me, what will it take you
To make you understand?


Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong

Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
Here's where you belong
And here's where you belong

fall equinox

 

you gave me the sex that i always wanted

words that ring so damn true if i were so eloquent i would have written them myself... from "you gave me the sex that i always wanted" by Sophie Gregoire. 

I had always been looking for somebody who would be both primal and sensitive, connected to his heart and strong. Deeply present, loving, nurturing, and soft—and wild too. Sexual. In his power. 

That was you.

I have thought and talked a lot about sacred sex in time, but as an idea—because I didn’t know, until I found you. 

Before you, the men of my life may have had technique—but they lacked presence. 

Some can miss the key point, which is: doing the love making with us, deeply connected to us—in response to our opening, to our love.

...I realize that the reason our sexual life is so beautiful to me, is because you gave me the love that I longed for. 

It is because of the trust that we built together that my body agreed to let you lead. 

It is because you were always present, consistent, reliable, and sure, that you didn’t meet any resistance within my body, within my soul.

It is because your masculinity was fully there, embodied, unwavering—that my body opened so much, so softly.

It is because you knew how to hold space, accept, and receive all of me, without the need to change, fix, edit, or transform, that I felt safe enough to fall in love with you entirely—body, heart, and sex.

It is because I trusted your heart that I surrendered fully to you.

You lead, but you command only with respect—riding my own waves, like a sacred art of two.

Some men open your body, your love—but they end up feeling like a spell for your soul. You can regret later on, the openness and the trust that you showed.

This never happened with you. I never regretted being yours.

Because you never disconnected from us...And you never made love without love.

You never penetrated your woman without feeling her, loving her.

...sex is an art that climaxes when love is mastered.

Sex is the culmination of love, perhaps. Its fully embodied expression in the flesh.

The physical zenith of two connected hearts.

permission granted

wow, i love this.  how synchronistic it should show up just now.

You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t find yourself in. You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t love yourself in.

You’re allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your light instead of making you shine brighter, you’re allowed to pack all your bags and start over somewhere else and you’re allowed to redefine the meaning of your life.

You’re allowed to quit the job you hate even if the world tells you not to and you’re allowed to search for something that makes you look forward to tomorrow and to the rest of your life.

You’re allowed to leave someone you love if they’re treating you poorly, you’re allowed to put yourself first if you’re settling and you’re allowed to walk away when you’ve tried over and over again but nothing has changed.

You’re allowed to let toxic friends go, you’re allowed to surround yourself with love, and people who encourage and nurture you. You’re allowed to pick the kind of energy you need in your life.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.

You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.

We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.

You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.

You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.

Author: Rania Naim

now

eleven years ago i was preparing to start my life over, sorting, eliminating, packing, finding homes for my animals.  i was beginning a new and bittersweet adventure.  i made visits to two of my older sister, one of whom i never saw again.  both have since passed away.  i was spending time with loved ones before i left.  i was giving up everything that signified home to me to start a new life in a new place with the man i loved.  the timing wasn't great, but i knew who i wanted to be with and i made the best possible decision i could make for myself at the time. 

at the end of september 2009 my car was packed, my goodbyes were spoken and i hit the highway.  during my drive to my destination i had time to think about the past and i cried a lot because life seemed so bittersweet.  but i didn't let the naysayers stop me.  i knew what i had to do and that this wasn't about them, it was about me.  i had to be strong, determined and do what mattered most to me.  this was not out of selfishness as some chose to believe.  the journey i was taking, both literally and philosophically speaking, was about my own survival and securing my needs.

often i've heard myself say i regretted moving into a new life so quickly, not giving myself more time, but the truth us, i could have done so.  but it was harder to stay than to go.  so i went.  looking back in recent days i now forfeit the idea of that regret.  i put myself exactly where i belonged and where i needed to be at the time.  without that experience i would have never learned what i was capable of then and now.  if i had never seized the opportunity to be loved and to love again, i would be a different person now.  and because of it, i am a different person now.  

now i am a single, independent woman.  i have lived that way for the past three and a half years.  it hasn't been easy, but somehow i always saw this and yearned for it over the years.  it's not all it's cracked up to be at times but it's not bad.  i actually rather like my freedom.  i just happen to get caught up in missing the love and intimate connection two people can share.  that said, i have followed that desire more than once, only to end up feeling the worse for wear.  do i still want this?  absolutely!  but i want it to be real, not a "i'll see you when i can" relationship.  i want it to matter.  i want it and me to matter enough.  i want to be chosen and, as archaic as it may sound, i want to be claimed.  if i can't have that, then it's not worth it, no matter how deeply i care for another.  i have to live my life by my standards.  it's not that i'm not flexible, but i can no longer sacrifice myself for a fraction of what i truly want.  that is the clarity the last few years have given me. 

i am at a place where i will accept and live my life now, even if it's not exactly how i wish it would be.  i will not beg for love or attention or accept less than i or anyone deserves.  i have learned in the past two years what great love and desire feel like.  i have experienced how much i am capable of giving and receiving.  i have learned this is the love i want in my life, but if it's not mine to have then i will take this life i've created for myself and make the best of things without it.  

i am done trying to convince anyone of my worth in their life or to earn a place in it.

i am no longer waiting for the time to be right.  the time is always now.  

i am no longer clenching my hands or my heart.  i am letting go of the things i have no control over.

i am no longer waiting for someone to complete me.  i am complete as i am.

i am no longer waiting for understanding.  i understand myself.

i am no longer waiting for forgiveness.  i forgive myself.

i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i believe it already has and i am surviving and i will continue to survive.  (my record so far is 100% despite the odds)

it's just like me