madness

she is magic and midnight lace

tossing
turning

tortured in the night by the yearning for her lover

she weaves dreams of seduction in her madness

as the fire burns relentlessly in her loins

she
 envisioning his presence

reaching out across the ether to touch her ghostly lover

inviting him to her bed 
her arms
casting her spell

seducing him with her hunger

honoring Nanaya

paying homage to Rati

becoming the goddess incarnate

dawn comes and she awakens
remembering the night

the visions

the passion

the pleasure

reaching for him across an empty bed

only to be left questioning what is real

smc
7-22-20

gumption and grace

i was once fierce and independent because i needed to be, had to be.  i was my own and on my own.  i chose to be different from the rest.  i wanted to be.

then came a time when that spirit in me was broken.  i became weak, dependent, afraid.  the light that had once burned as bright as july's sun now barely flickered.  (what you think is love is often not.)

but the time came i had to stand alone again.  i was forced to reclaim the woman i had been, to remember the one i was, free of control and compromise.

and now?  now i am comfortable in my independence.  i have fought hard, walked through fire, muck and mire, been broken by tragedy and loss on this journey to find this place and welcome this woman home.  yet there is an emptiness and when the night is long and the yearning is strong, i ask the heavens for the one who will complete me.

i still believe in the magic of love.

s.cooper

lessons learned

we make plans...the best of plans and yet we can never know for sure how things will turn out.  sometimes as expected but sometimes not.  the only way we'll ever know is to take that step forward.  eventually you will get to where you need to be even if there are detours and even if it's not where you expected to be.

here are just a few of the things i've learned in my years on this planet:

• we humans are extremely resilient 
• life's journey is a path to finding ourselves and discovering what really matters  
• if we pay attention, life often guides us with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) signs
• if we don't decide what we want and what's best for us someone else will decide for us
• we all make "mistakes" but are they really mistakes?
• quiet your thoughts and trust your gut 
• change is inevitable and necessary
• not choosing is choosing
• the straightest path to self growth is followed by stepping into our fear
• you have to become your own savior because no one else is going to rescue you
• there comes a time when you have to choose what's best for you not necessarily what's best for everyone else
• material things don't matter much
• loss is inevitable
• you will survive
• keep the faith
• breathe deeply, exhale.  repeat as often as necessary and let that shit go
• life goes on
• love is the greatest healer, the greatest gift and in the end, all that really matters

how to make peace with yourself in one easy step

witch

A Witch by Edward Robert Hughes, 1902

in the past i have entertained the thought that i might be a bit crazy
but honestly i knew better

people have called me a witch, a bitch, eccentric
even radical at times
and yes, i have been and can be all those things

these definitions are limited but are all part of who i am
i am more
i am me
i am not trying to be anyone else

it does not make me crazy for knowing what i know
saying what i think
and feeling all i feel

i talk to the plants
rub fresh herbs between my fingers to breath the intensity of their aroma
and caress my lips with rose petals to feel their silken kiss

i make magic
with herbs and oils and crystals

i lay bare breasted under the sun
and dance naked under the moon

i hurt easily
and hide when i hurt
howling like a wounded animal into the ether

i love intensely
and only
only when i am loved
do i fly

7-7-2020

half isn't whole

the great balancer

we require intimacy, sexual expression and fulfillment in order to find grace amidst the chaos of life.  i believe it is a basic human need and having it fulfilled is necessary for our physical and emotional well being.  intimacy is the place we hold space for our vulnerability and our partner's vulnerability.  allowing ourselves and our partner to be vulnerable, expressive and free empowers both of us to face the challenges we confront daily.  if we have no intimacy, no safe place where we can revel in connection we are often left feeling cheated and struggling to function in a balanced way. 

thought

you cannot save a sinking ship.  the best you can do is jump and try to save yourself.

underrated strength

doing things on my own...some people may not think it's a big deal, but for me, having been in a relationships for nearly 40 years of my life, it was. but i was determined after mark died to adapt. i mean, did i have a choice really? 

i can't tell you how many times i was eating lunch alone or shopping alone, that i would break down in tears. i didn't want to be there alone and i missed him so much. but i kept forcing myself to go out and do it again and again. i knew i had to or never have any quality of life. i'm happy to say i finally got to the point where it seemed ok to do more things on my own. it's pretty much the norm these days because, well, i am alone 99% of the time.  not only has mark been gone for 3 years, but 2 of my best buds have moved to other states and i ended a third friendship by choice.  funny that i chose to stay in this little town because i had friends here.

the trip to london in the spring of 2019 was a challenge because my son was in conference for 3 days and i was on my own in an unfamiliar city in an unfamiliar country.  i admit i spent the first day alone in the hotel room, feeling incapable of leaving. yeah, i wasted a whole day in london sniveling in a hotel room. i got so angry, depressed and disappointed with myself for wasting a whole day wrapped up in my insecurity i was determined not to waste any more days.  the next day i got out and even took a bus on my own. it was a little confusing and stressful at times and like i said, maybe not a big deal to some, but for me that was a huge step. i did it!  and doing that gave me more confidence in myself overall. 

after that i even started going to the city pool regularly and ALONE and that is something because for years i wouldn't go at all.  why?  because i was too insecure and ashamed of my appearance. it's sad it took me so many years to like myself well enough to not give a fuck about things like that.  i think when living alone you better learn to like yourself or you're in bad company. 

so anyhow, kudos to all the people who've had to learn to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone and walk alone. we are braver than you might think.

flash burn

you
on your knees at my feet
i can never forget
those eyes
pleading my approval
your submission
craving my permission
my beautiful man
my precious boy
that moment seared into my memory
my god how i love you

7-4-20

a little inspiration