i miss him

 that's all.  i miss him.  

some flames flicker forever

 i only cried a little while 

stuck in moments with you

i wiped my eyes and told myself

there's nothing i can do

the anger i felt has lessened

and mostly i feel sad

time will tell the outcome

whether that's good or bad

the torch i've carried still burns in me

no matter how hard i may try

to extinguish that smoldering flame

it burns and it will not die

so i must accept this how it will be

until it burns itself out

but some flames flicker forever

of this i have little doubt

 

such wicked queens

 “Once upon a time there was a wicked witch and her name was

Lilith

Eve

Hagar

Jezebel

Delilah

Pandora

Jahi

Tamar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called goddess and her name was

Kali

Fatima

Artemis

Hera

Isis

Mary

Ishtar

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called queen and her name was

Bathsheba

Vashti

Cleopatra

Helen

Salome

Elizabeth

Clytemnestra

Medea

and there was a wicked witch and she was also called witch and her name was

Joan

Circe

Morgan le Fay

Tiamat

Maria Leonza

Medusa

and they had this in common: that they were feared, hated, desired, and worshiped.”

― Andrea Dworkin, Woman Hating

sunday morning coming down

i hope i may have gotten things out of my system...at least for the time being.  after posting last night i went to bed.  i laid there for awhile and debated on getting up and deleting what i'd written.  i have deleted so much of what i've written recently.  believe me, what i shared was milder than some of what i've written.  but instead i decided not to disturb the dogs and just sent loving energy in his direction like i used to do.    

i know i can be brutal at times.  maybe it's the only way i know how to defend myself against feeling so hurt, and finally feel a modicum of control over my emotions.  that sounds a bit contradictory, but you'd have to be me to understand.  whatever it is, it's done.  i was able to channel my anger into a poem rather than react in worse ways.  deep down i don't really want to hurt anyone and those who've helped to cause me pain should be thankful i limit it to words. as a woman who feels intensely, it only makes sense that anger would rear it's ugly head.  

i don't want him to hate me and i don't want to hate him.  i don't hate him.  i have battled between love and sorrow, frustration and anger.  i have felt such a huge range of emotions in the past few weeks...hell, in the past two years really.  but in the last weeks i have been on an extreme roller coaster.  i may not have felt so reactionary if i wasn't dealing with other deeply emotional things as well...ya know, like my kid dying. i also know that when i grieve (and i have been grieving immensely, there's no other word for it), that much of my old grief rises to the surface.  i know too well that deep grief is not something you get over, you simply learn to live with it.  not feeling sorry for myself, but i know i've been grieving for a long time not just over losing mark, but over my daughter's inevitable death.  it's a lot of heaviness to bear and until now i feel i've done a fairly decent job.  unfortunately under the more recent circumstance things compounded and snowballed.  i can only hope he can understand this.   

onward and upward, right?  i don't like the person i've been through all of this and i hope to maintain some semblance of balance.  it's the memories that tear me up and the feelings i felt with him.  even now as i write, some little flick of a memory of our intimacy and the tears are blurring my vision.  this time, the episode in the living room when we both got so lost in the moment as i straddled his knee.  god damn it, i want to forget and find some emotional normalcy.  this has become my everyday emotional state and i don't want it anymore.  please give me a fucking lobotomy for god's sake!  take away these memories so i no longer hurt.  damn it damn it damn it.

by now i've probably destroyed his desire for even friendship.  maybe just as well.  not sure i could do that, at least not yet.  jason was like a drug and i'm still going through withdrawal.  and this is how i HAVE to look at it.  you don't tempt an addict with their favorite drug.  that's what our relationship was like...junkies getting a fix.  and just like an addict who wishes they could turn back time and never start using, i wish i could, too.  unless i could be like keith richards and have a steady maintenance supply of the good stuff, i have no choice but to get clean.  

  

      

hell hath no fury

hurt has turned to anger

a bad taste is in my mouth

i want to beat my fists on you

chew you up and spit you out

be grateful i'm not evil

though i could easily be

then i'd witness just once more

you down upon your knees

you'd beg for mercy once again

but it would never come

i would simply turn away

the same way you have done

my prince you have no inkling

of the things that i could do

to make your life unbearable

you haven't got a clue

i wonder how you sleep at night

and i'll never understand

how you can hurt the ones you love

yet think yourself a man

i hope the house of cards you've built

will someday fall apart

and you will know just how it feels

when someone breaks your heart

(a little release of anger and cruelty at 2am sunday morning so i could get some relief and sleep. at least when i'm angry i'm not crying...well, not usually anyhow.  i feel a little better and a little bad, but he should know the fire in me works both ways.  i think i can sleep now.  please god, let me done with this.) 

no greater truth

 

i can't help but wonder how many times does one have to let go?

everything has changed

 

i remember times in my life when i felt optimistic, times when i knew i was loved.

they were long ago and far away.  

i hope someday i might feel and know those things again and not just a facsimile.

maybe tomorrow

maybe tomorrow i won't think about the sweet things we shared.  

maybe i won't think about our last time when i was hesitant and you pulled me back against you at the bedroom window...or maybe at least i won't grow weak in the knees when i do.

maybe tomorrow i won't think about the cinderella slippers i bought just for you or the way you reacted to my ferrari red toes that last weekend together.

maybe i'll forget about your reaction while modeling my lingerie just for you and i won't remember pink aprons and kitty cat ears.

maybe someday i'll forget how your silken hardness felt in my hands or how that first thrust felt when you entered me.

maybe eventually i'll forget how you called me your queen, your gypsy goddess, your pussycat.

maybe i'll forget your smile, your eyes and how you looked at me adoringly.

maybe i'll forget how good it all felt while it was happening and how bad it all felt every time when you left and reality hit.

perhaps i'll forget the songs i can never hear the same again.

i hope i can forget how you slipped your arms around me and drew me close when i met you at the door in my fuzzy black robe or how you worshipped at my feet.

maybe i won't remember all the hot, sweet words that fell from your lips when you fucked me and how it felt to want you fucking me.

maybe i won't think about how i fell so prey to my desire that i pinned you against the cabin wall in my heat.

maybe someday i won't remember how it felt to believe i was really loved.

maybe maybe maybe i will forget all of this and more.

and maybe tomorrow i won't cry.

        

resist resist resist

it's hard resisting contact when the heart wants to reach out, but the mind and common sense tell you nothing good will come of it.  yet still, i cannot imagine this is truly the end.  i fight myself, wanting to instigate communication, but i know he doesn't want me involved in his life anymore.  or maybe he did or does, i have no idea.  all i know is he agreed it would be best for me to step back,  i just know that if i remain in contact, it keeps me vulnerable and hopeful and god knows i'm trying to be strong.  and staying connected is preventing him from what he says are his intentions.  he's hoping to save his marriage.  basically the gist of our last communication was, he's working on the marriage and if it doesn't work out he'll be in touch.  and if i'm not available, he loses.  talk about being gutted and feeling a fool.  how else can i feel when basically i'm told he'll have a place for me if things don't work out at home.  perhaps he forgets that he chose me over his wife to begin with for two fucking years while he was pretending to be the good and loyal husband.  newsflash, how do you have a marriage based on that kind of bullshit?

so my dear, you stay home and behave, keep it in your pants and see how you like it, ok?  i wouldn't give a rats ass if all we ever were to begin with was fuck buddies with no emotional connection, but he went into this from the start as so much more.  he admitted he wasn't a "once and done" kind of guy in any relationship.  he sent me a song every morning until i asked him not to.  why?  because he was romancing me.  he has been romancing me from the start.  the man was and is dying for romance and desire and the kind of love i gave him, yet he will sacrifice both of us out of fear of destroying his life.  his choice.  i think that he thinks that if he gives up his current life it makes him a failure.  what kind of bs is that?

i feel pretty insignificant right now.  i cannot help but wonder, how do you want someone, make love with them like he made love with me, call them whenever the opportunity arose, zoom with them, text nearly every single day and night for two years sharing your feelings, put them on a pedestal, plan weekend getaways with them, sing to them, dance with them, tell them you love them (i remember the email and the first time he told me-out of the blue), cry over them, lose sleep over them, dream of them, wake up wanting them and then tell them you're in counseling trying to save your marriage?  how do you do that?  how do you connect so deeply in every way and then be willing to let that go? and then say you don't want them to hurt?  i pulled away to stop the hurt he was causing me.  and damn it, it still hurts and even if i heal there will always be a scar.  i try not to think about the moments we shared.  it's too painful.  but yet i do think of them and i write about them and i'm tortured by them.  he says he doesn't regret any of it.  i wish i could feel that way.  god how i wish i could.  i think for him our times together are like a fantasy he can pull up on a whim.  for me it's a heartbreak every time i think of those moments, the smiles, the laughs, the sweetness and the heat.  

it's crazy when two people have found what they were looking for...something that went beyond their dreams, and yet here we are, apart, perhaps for good.  my god i have rehashed this all over and over and i still can't understand how he seemed to love me like he did and yet is willing to let me be just a memory. i have been a fool.  a fool, a fool, a fool and i'm not just angry with him, i'm angry with myself.  i feel fucked and not in the nice way, by him and my own foolishness.  he said he always felt a lack of self worth.  maybe that comes from living a facade and playing with people's hearts and lives. 

my rant is over for now.  i didn't plan on saying all of this.  if he reads this, oh well.  i guess i don't owe him anything.  he obviously doesn't feel he owes me anything.  i opened up to him and gave him more of me in the most personal and intimate ways than i've ever given anyone.  and i think he gave me more than he thought he could.  and for what?  i would have been better off never knowing anything like we shared. and never having felt the depth of connection.  i think it was real.  it was for me.  it wasn't a fantasy for me, it was my real world.  my mistake.  

imaginings

 yesterday i didn't cry.  today i'm not so strong.

i left the house early to run some errands.  not wanting to return home to the same place and same things, i i drove through for a coffee and headed to the park across the river from downtown.  there are two, one directly behind town, the other across the river from it.  not my preferable one, but the other one is still under improvement construction. 

i parked my car, fought off a yellow jacket who had entered through the window.  i got out but he stayed in, so then proceeded a ten minute battle of getting him out of my car without making him angry enough to sting me.  success was mine after which i proceeded with coffee and book in hand to a small pavilion.

i've been rereading "illusions" by richard bach for the umpteenth time.  a small book one is able to read in a single setting.  but i have chosen this time to savor the words that seem to affect my spirit so.  i knew i would finish the book there at the park today.  there was never a more perfect time to do so with the sun shimmering like diamonds on the water and the sky so blue and clear.  

nearing the end of the story i felt such sorrow i cried, not only because of a scene in the story but because i was nearing the end of the book.  whenever you love something, the ending of it is hard to bear.  i allowed the tears to come for a moment or two, then watched a young man get out of his car, fishing pole in hand and walk down to the dock to cast his line.  

in the book, the reluctant messiah teaches his flying companion how to manifest by imagining.  whether anyone believes it or not, we are capable when we believe.  so i decided to do just that.  i envisioned my love having dropped his suitcase in the other room, standing in the kitchen.  he slid his arms around me, his eyes smiling while i stroked his whiskers.  i touched my fingers to his lips, tracing their outline before i kissed them.  no words were spoken until i looked up into his eyes and he said, "here i am.  i'm yours."  and we both smiled and we both cried.  as the vision faded, i found i was crying because it felt so real.  

afterwards, considering the words i'd recently read, that perhaps i should start smaller, despite knowing i have manifested big things in my life.  so i envisioned a yellow flower and let the thought go.  i gathered my book and my by now empty coffee cup and started walking up the path by the river, heading towards a bench near the water to sit in the sunshine and watch two ducks, obviously a couple, that i'd noticed earlier.  as i sat there considering these two ducks, one a  mallard, one a plain white duck, i thought about how wonderfully simple there lives were.  they weren't worrying about anything, perfectly content to be in the water, grooming themselves. no concern as to what anyone thought or cared, no worry about food or shelter or tomorrow.  oh to be a duck.  and as i sat there i noticed the plant growth along the river bank right in front of me.  tall, leafy, clusters of plants and atop each one were yellow blossoms. 

finally it was time to return to the car and head home.  i would have stayed but the coffee had made my leaving necessary.  as i was looking down to avoid stepping in geese droppings before stepping onto the path, i noticed that the ground was covered in tiny yellow flowers.  

life is like a movie script.  we write the beginning and endings and everything in between in regard to and often in conjunction with others simply by our imagining.  we just so often tend to forget we are playing a part in the illusion and that we have any real part in how it he movie goes or how it ends.  wasn't it einstein who said, "imagination is everything"?

in wrapping this up, i'll add a "verse" from the messiah's handbook in "illusions":

"in order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom.  it is not always an easy sacrifice."  

dreams

i awoke this morning and followed my usual steps.  bathroom, take care of the dogs, make a cup of coffee, grab a smoke and head to my computer before actually starting the day.  but this morning something strange happened that i have no explanation for.  as i approached my desk to sit, my alexa device came on without any prompting whatsoever and played this song.  seems fitting. 

i hope the rain washes you clean and you'll know.

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully
To the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again
I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams
And have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
Ooh, what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
Oh, thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, you'll know