what concerns me...

 ...is that as time goes by my presence in your life will become less and less important

...that you will look upon our time together as fond memories while i look at it as bittersweet memories and precious time i can't get back

...that my expectations for giving and receiving love have been raised too high because of what we shared

...that even though you may not have been consciously aware, you used me to feel empowered and adequate

...that i will never get over you

...that this is the end and the final chapter of love in my life and this life will never give me anything more than that taste of the one thing i've always wanted

...that life will continue but cease to have any real meaning because love is the only thing that gives it real meaning and substance

...and that without love i will continue to feel lost and apathetic about life and anything else in it

as i write these things i know i sound pathetic and like a victim.  it's not so much that i feel like a victim. i went into this thing knowing the circumstances.  i am at fault for being vulnerable, for allowing myself to feel something too good to be true and sustainable if both parties aren't fully invested.  i didn't intend for this to happen and i am not a victim, only a fool for thinking my heart wouldn't get involved.  

 

single thought

 if the timing was off we never would have made the connection

what this is

it's after midnight as i write this.  i've been reviewing some of what i've written over the months.  for the most part this blog should have been named, "love letters to jason".  this is where i come to write what i feel whether i have been glowing in the aftermath of his warmth and passion or craving him or devastated by circumstances regarding our illicit affair. 

he is my muse,  of that there is no denying.  he moves my emotions in every direction possible.  and even when i feel angry at him or frustrated with him  because of those circumstance, i love him and would take him into my arms without hesitation.  

so here i am again, focused entirely on him, my feelings for him and yet i know i need to let things be.  in many ways this is more his journey than mine.  i was along for the ride for a time but now all am is a bystander.    

alive

 i came across this quote i found in 2013:

"that scared feeling is you being alive"

it makes sense.  it's ok to be scared and step into the unknown.  that's the opportunity life gives us.  that IS life.

 it would be good...no, it would be great if we could stop being frozen (aka dead) because of our fear and just let go, trust our gut and jump into life and not worry how things will work out.  they always work out one way or another and in the end we'll be ok.  there will always be regrets, but most often because we didn't do what we dreamed of because we let fear define our path.  

maybe it's time to stop being so logical.  

Let It Be

sometimes we want to take all the memories and feelings attached to a particular person or circumstance, put them in a box and store them somewhere in the recesses of the mind so they are hidden.  but it doesn't work that way.  memories and emotions are attached to us and the person we shared them with.  we can't dispose of them, hide them away or forget them. we can't just let go so we must simply let it be what it is as we process the experience and all the feelings attached to it.  

so what do i do with this love i have for you my sweet prince?  the only thing i can...let it be.  

my great sin

 all those small sweet things

i'd never known before

you gave to me so willingly

to make me feel adored

you washed my hair so gently

laid kisses at my feet

worshipped me in word and deed

with no promises to keep

skin to skin we bathed in sin

and now the cost is due

the payment is my broken heart

because of loving you

you were never mine to love

but yet i let you in

and dreamed the dream of lovers

what was and could have been

8-18-20

i am not a warrior

 

that tattoo along my left foot

no longer belongs there

i am not a warrior

i am weak

it's a beautifully mild august morning

the only thing perfect about this day

and it is wasted on me

i don't want to breathe anymore

to think   to feel  to exist

if i were a warrior

i would not need that word 

engraved permanently on my body

if i were a true warrior

i would cut that word from my skin

leaving only scars

to add to my collection

inflicting physical pain

to numb the grief

but i am not that brave

8-18-20

tuesday morning questions

awakened by garbage trucks

i do not want to leave the bed

still smelling of union

even with the window open

he the first thought to materialize 

the dishes continue to pile

his towel left hanging by the shower

my cinderella slippers lay seductively by the bed

ten minutes up and i am in tears

how do i do this?  what do i do

when he is vital like the blood in my veins

when we breathed each other in

like life sustaining oxygen?

how many losses does one have to bear?

no doubt there will be more

i am useless to myself or anyone else

and why wouldn't i be?

i pleaded for help last night

begging whatever gods or entities that might exist

no comfort came    no answers heard

only guttural sobs echoing through the night

how can something so beautiful

not be right   not be meant to be

not be allowed to be mine

just this once?

how do i bear never seeing his face 

his brown eyes looking back at me

or my finger never tracing the curve of his ear 

or his lips again?

and where will i worship

when my need to taste him

and the spirit of desire

demands i offer my sacred vessel?

my cruel lover   

you have left your imprint and a memory

on everything around me and in me

why did you do this knowing 

you would never be mine?

8-18-20

cinderella lost

 

why do i believe in fairy tale endings? 

why do i believe in dreams that can't come true?

i think perhaps i wouldn't 

if it hadn't been for you

i've bathed in your love for hours

watching night turn into day

but when the morning comes

your bag is packed...you go away

and i am left to ponder

what this is and what might be

while in the dimly lit silence

darkness descends on me

there is no slipper made of glass

no prince to rescue me

my only true companion

is the night surrounding me

"star light star bright

first star i see tonight

i wish i may i wish i might

have the wish i wish tonight"

8-16-20

coming going

 with him i know

the highest of highs

and when he goes

the lowest of lows

labyrinth

there is a path that circles from me to you and back again 

into completeness

we have tried often to define this connection

speaking and stumbling with words inadequate

there is no trail or trace of what exists between us

except what lives on in our hearts and minds

sealed within the realm of the intangible

s.cooper

8-7-2020