authentcity

necessary reminders at 4 am

in order to create something new one has to let go of something old.  we can't get to the future by looking in the rear view mirror or holding onto what no longer serves who we are now.

life is conflict, but it's through conflict we learn and grow and make changes.  problems create new opportunity and growth.

what you think and believe determines the quality of your life. beating yourself up never makes things better. 

(now maybe after creating this meme and reminding myself of these things i can sleep)

there are men

there are men who aren't afraid to be vulnerable
who are willing to open up and share the truth of their feelings

there are men who aren't afraid of a woman's emotions or intimidated by her intelligence

there are men who are awake, who are masters at observing details and know how to take it all in and be moved by the beauty in life

there are men who can look into your eyes, exposing their soul while seeing yours

there are men who aren't afraid to hold your hand or kiss you in public because they can't resist and don't care what anyone might think

there are men who are respectful of and humbled by the magic of a woman, who seek the warmth and wisdom you embody

these are the men who make the world a better place because they are genuine, not embodying what they think it means to be a man, but simply by being a man

there are men like this.  i know because this is the man i love

for J
6-21-20

no fear

erotic thoughts

i awoke in the morning having rested quite well from the activities of the night before with my lover.  without turning over to face him or barely being awake, here i was wanting him again.  stretching like a cat, slowly and sensuously, i let my hand reach behind to brush his hip, in hopes he would awaken.  he stirred slightly. 
"are you awake?" i whispered.
he responded with a gentle "mmmm hmmm" as he moved closer to nuzzle into the back of my neck. his fingers gently brushing my hair aside to accommodate his warm breath and soft kisses.
"baby?" i asked, my question a whisper.
"yes?"
"will you rub me and kiss me all over?" my voice a near murmur.
"mmmm, yes my queen.  at your service."

...to be continued

i am

i am the nature of the divine

in human form

the life giver

the creative force 

the mother, the maiden, the crone

i have earned the title of goddess

through gut wrenching pain and darkness

through all my mistakes and fears

prayers and tears

and i have become strong

stronger than anything that has challenged me

i have stumbled often

but i have not fallen

my power lies within my feminine nature

and like nature herself

i am the truth and the trickster

the light and the darkness

the creator of life

the destroyer of illusion

yet through all of the shattering

i have maintained my softness

my vulnerability

choosing love over fear

and freedom over confinement

i am the innocence of youth

and the wisdom of age

daughter of the earth and sky

my feet rooted in the earth

and my arms reaching to the heavens

(c)sm cooper

2020

the calling

i'm ready to go back to the days when i practiced magic

with herbs and crystals 

and incantations

i am ready to dance barefoot again

under the light of the moon

to bathe in her fullness and light

to practice mantras and meditation

to light fires and beat drums

to harvest healing herbs

and honor the sacred

around me and within me

the years have taken their toll

and through them i became side-tracked

i am ready now

to return to the ways of the earth

to reconnect to the old ways

to heal and be healed

i am being called

6-17-20

smc

have no fear

don't be afraid to pull me close
when the storm sets in
you are the one who can calm my chaos

don't be afraid to be genuine
naked in your truth and vulnerability
i will hold you in your darkest hour

don't be afraid
of revealing your imperfections
i can't see them

do not fear losing your identity
but by all means lose yourself
in my touch

for J
6-8-20

flower

she prays for rain

lest she withers and dies

when her purpose is

to blossom and thrive

bringing pleasure to the senses

6-8-20

you know what turns me on?

poetry
transparency
effort
morning sex
quantum physics
vulnerable conversations
deep kisses
sacred geometry
morning coffee
cotton quilts
the scent of lilacs and roses
the sound of rain on a tin roof
kittens
shoulder kisses
eye contact
uncontrollable laughter
the color pink
bare feet
kisses on top of my head
curtains billowing from summer breezes...
and laying in bed feeling the breeze waft across my bare skin
painted toes
the feeling that only comes after a day in sun and water
crystals
my lover pulling me close
the scent of peonies and honeysuckle
clear blue skies
hearing the birds sing at the break of dawn
watching the sun rise
a really good book
creating a warm and comforting ambiance
the rare, exceptional movie
getting high with friends
walking in woods
the smell of bread baking
and fresh coffee brewing
the sound of children giggling
feeling and feeding my lover's passion
cloud gazing
star gazing

...to be continued

sat morning ruminating

it's 5:30 am.  i can hear birds singing outside my kitchen window as daylight slowly emerges.  i've always loved waking to the sound.  this morning i beat them to wakefulness, having awoken at 4.

sitting here at the keyboard i wonder what keeps us going everyday, through the mundane lather, rinse, repeat cycles that have become our lives.  i guess for me it's always been hope.  i've always clung to the idea that maybe tomorrow will be better and sometimes it is. 

it's not that i'm depressed all the time.  i think it's that life just becomes monotonous.  especially when things aren't what you'd like them to be and you have no power to change them. then i think, actually i do.  i could change them completely.  maybe not to my liking or for that matter, anyone else's. there's always the option of simply becoming invisible, disappearing and starting over somewhere else or even right where i am.

it sucks feeling more love for someone than you've ever felt and knowing it's probably the most futile thing you've ever done but you can't seem to change how you feel.  you want to break free from this addiction, this constant craving to be with the person who takes up 99% of the space in your head and your heart.  you've even tried and ended up in the hospital ER once because of the emotional upset to your heart. 

so what do you do?  sometimes you pray for apathy to a god you're not sure actually exists.  sometimes you accept your fate no matter how hopeless it seems.  and sometimes you live in the illusion because it's better than the reality.  but sometimes your doubts creep in and you begin questioning what you're really worth to another human being.  you question why you're not enough to be #1.  it's really all you've ever wanted, yet you keep putting yourself in situations where you never are.  there's always some reason; a drug addiction (mother), an alcohol addiction (husband), a mental affliction (partner), or a wife (current lover).  and so you feel you're never enough, you're never worthy enough to receive all you're willing to give.  i guess love has different meanings and degrees.  sometime i wish i didn't care so much or love so deeply.  i have tried to change that, believe it or not, tried to be like others and not get attached to people but inevitably i do.  and when i do i can't walk away.  i stuck with all of them because i loved them. 

so what is my big fear?  that i will go to my grave being unfulfilled, having never lived the fullness of a loving relationship,  that i will die with a flicker of hope lingering for what never was and at that point can never be. 

seriously, i get so fed up and frustrated with myself because i know the only sane thing would be to walk away.  i ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"  and often wonder why i even exist.

i'm 64 years old and i'll be the first to admit this is ridiculous, but unfortunately it's me and it's my life. i guess what i want is too much to ask or expect from anyone.  maybe the answer is to lower my expectations, or just give up and shut the fuck up.

final thought as i was walking away from my keyboard:

maybe my perception is all wrong.  perhaps it's not that i'm not worthy enough.  perhaps it's they who aren't worthy of my love.  but like a fool, i love regardless.  and maybe "worth" has nothing to do with it at all.  maybe love is love is love and we love despite all odds, despite everything because that's just who we are.  

what if?

i cried reading this: