there is light inside me

 there is light inside me

i have the words tattooed on my body as a reminder 

because sometimes i need reminded 

of who i am, that i am good 

and that i can trust myself and the people i love

and that even when i'm by myself

i'm not really alone.

letter to my love - seeking clarity, context & contentment

in my sadness over your leaving i have to question why our parting always causes me such sorrow when i know we'll be together again.  but the truth is, i don't KNOW this.  so obviously some of my sadness is fear based.  a lot can change in a short time and that scares me.  i've had hard lessons in this.  this is just some of why our parting is so sorrowful for me.

looking over the situation and my feelings, here is what i think...

when we are together i feel genuinely happy.  not just because of the attention and company, but for a short time i feel purposeful and alive.  when we are together i am able to do what i do best, that being to love and care for you.  when together i matter, you matter and we matter as a couple.  when we part ways i am forced to look at what is missing in my life and how it feels unfulfilled much of the time without the presence of my companion.   i love hard and sometimes that can suck.

what i want is to be that woman who doesn't need much of anything from anyone or who doesn't need another person to fulfill her, but you can't run from the truth of who you are.  and does that woman actually even exist?  i'm not so sure.  

love is the greatest gift you can give or receive. it truly is what life is all about.  this i KNOW.  loving IS living and without it we are only existing as a cog in the wheel of life, going round and round.  

it's hard letting go every time we part.  i want it to be easier but the only way i see it being easy is if i didn't love you.  so maybe it's just something we both have to live with and perhaps i should stop being so hard on myself. 

i am learning or in the least i'm trying to adapt to something different with you, the man i love and whose love i am deeply grateful for.  i am trying to live for the moments, not so much for the future and not just in regard to our relationship.  please have patience with me.  

 

notes to a born self

 from kamal ravikant, an excerpt from "Notes to a Born Self" ~

- You are worthy. The sooner you accept that, the sooner life will zing.

- Break rules. The rewards greatly outnumber the punishments.

- Everything is an experience. In the now, that’s it.

- Good and bad are labels. Be with the experience, not the label.

- You are special. Treat yourself well.

- I repeat: you are fucking special. Don’t accept less from anyone.

- Love requires risk. It’s worth it.

- The more you close your heart, the more it gets broken. Funny how that works.

- Your mind is not far removed from a monkey. Don’t trust it.

- Your inner self, the quiet and deep part within, trust that.

- Every day, spend time in gratitude.

- Every day, create something.

- Love yourself. It works wonders.

I am a later version of you. Before I know it, there will be a later version of me. And before he knows it, no more. Poof, a wisp of stardust, gone. Leave behind a life that mattered. I love you.

lucky me

i'm lucky enough to have fallen in love with someone who wants to know all the little things about me, like my favorite color and how i take my coffee, who loves to see me smile and hear my laughter, who makes me question why i thought i could live without love and who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or anyone.  i'm lucky enough to have fallen in love with someone who sees my flaws and still thinks i'm perfect just the way i am.  

i'm lucky enough to love someone whom, when we make love, makes me feel as if i'm being rewarded simply for being me.

love love love

sitting here on this sunday night in the stillness.  i am thinking about life, mine in particular.  i know i've thought this, felt this and probably said it a thousand times, but when it boils right down to it, te only thing that matters, is of any real spiritual or soulful value in life is love.  

i belong to facebook group called "the three blessings".  members usually post daily at least three things they are grateful for or feel blessed by.  sometimes i struggle with three things.  most of the time i can make a list much longer.  tonight i kept it simple.  my three blessings were:

love

love 

love

it's so simple and covers everything.  it's not just the love i receive.  it's that, too, but it's more.  there is so much love in the world but so often what we seem to focus on are the ills of society.  (guilty!)  however, i bet if we just stop and consider all the love that exists in the world, we couldn't even fathom it. 

i feel blessed by love.  the love between my kids and i, the love between siblings, the love i've shared with coop and mark, the love shared with my animal companions.  

but tonight...tonight i am feeling especially blessed by the love of the man in my life.  and sometimes the love in me is so big i don't quite know what to do with it.  i never used to love so hard, but life and loss in particular have taught me to give in, embrace and experience it completely.  

is it scary?  yeah, it is for me because life has shown me what incredible loss feels like, so there is always the element of fear.  but i also know that it's worth the risk.  if we've never truly loved we've never truly lived.   

tonight i go to bed with a grateful heart for all the love in my life and in the world.  

demons

DEMONS

 i like to think i live alone, but i don't.  they are always with me.

sometimes they rest, but i know it's just a temporary reprieve. 

all it takes is one small thing and they swoop in and before you know it i become mistrusting, indecisive, needy, unworthy...all the things that make me hate myself.

i like to think i'm strong enough to conquer them and the thoughts they feed me.  i wish i believed i was.

obviously i'm not.

with thoughts of jason

"And so you see, I have come to doubt All that I once held as true; I stand alone without beliefs. The only truth I know is you."

i am not old

I am not old… she said

I am rare.

I am the standing ovation

At the end of the play.

I am the retrospective

Of my life as art

I am the hours

Connected like dots

Into good sense

I am the fullness

Of existing.

You think I am waiting to die…

But I am waiting to be found

I am a treasure.

I am a map.

And these wrinkles are

Imprints of my journey

Ask me

anything.

Author: Samantha Reynolds

tarnished glory

 

every once in awhile...

 ...we need a little alan watts reminder...

she was brave