in my sadness over your leaving i have to question why our parting always causes me such sorrow when i know we'll be together again. but the truth is, i don't KNOW this. so obviously some of my sadness is fear based. a lot can change in a short time and that scares me. i've had hard lessons in this. this is just some of why our parting is so sorrowful for me.
looking over the situation and my feelings, here is what i think...
when we are together i feel genuinely happy. not just because of the attention and company, but for a short time i feel purposeful and alive. when we are together i am able to do what i do best, that being to love and care for you. when together i matter, you matter and we matter as a couple. when we part ways i am forced to look at what is missing in my life and how it feels unfulfilled much of the time without the presence of my companion. i love hard and sometimes that can suck.
what i want is to be that woman who doesn't need much of anything from anyone or who doesn't need another person to fulfill her, but you can't run from the truth of who you are. and does that woman actually even exist? i'm not so sure.
love is the greatest gift you can give or receive. it truly is what life is all about. this i KNOW. loving IS living and without it we are only existing as a cog in the wheel of life, going round and round.
it's hard letting go every time we part. i want it to be easier but the only way i see it being easy is if i didn't love you. so maybe it's just something we both have to live with and perhaps i should stop being so hard on myself.
i am learning or in the least i'm trying to adapt to something different with you, the man i love and whose love i am deeply grateful for. i am trying to live for the moments, not so much for the future and not just in regard to our relationship. please have patience with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment